Imprint

One year ago I took my lunch from work and went to a doctor's appointment. I was examined and all my doctor said was, "My dear. Call your husband. You're having a baby." I stared at him blankly and told him (for the fifth time) that I'm not married. He sheepishly looked at me and asked if I drove myself to the appointment and I told him I had driven myself. He asked me who I planned to have come to the hospital with me and I told him my mother. "Well then," he said, "best call your mother."

I called my work first and I told the girl in billing who answered the phone, "I'm going to have a baby." She laughed at me and jokingly replied, "Really?! I wondered why your belly's grown so much the last little while." I laughed because it was funny and then I told her, "No. I mean today. I'm going to have a baby today. I have to go straight to the hospital now." Billing girl started freaking out on the phone. She got my boss out of mediation and they asked me what I still needied to complete at work and I told them what was still pending. I was on the phone for about 10 minutes tying up loose ends and then I walked out to the waiting room and I called my mom. She headed down immediately.

I wasn't feeling any labor pains because of my hospital visit the night before (11-11-2009) where I was found to be having false labor. That pain was horrific. I had felt it the entire day at the office. It was in my back. I couldn't even stand up straight and my boss was convinced I was in labor then, but I refused to leave to go get checked because I needed the pay check. That night as I tried to relax in bed, I couldn't relax and the pain progressively got worse so I drove myself to the hospital, was checked and was told it was false labor but the nurse gave me a BIG shot of morphine in my hip that left me incapable of driving. I called my sister and her husband to see if they could come pick me up at the hospital and take me home. They did and I slept real good for the first time in 9 months. No worries. No concern about what was coming. No endless circle of thought in my head. No constant shifting from side to side to get comfortable. No restless dreaming. No waking up multiple times in the middle of the night due to back pain. Just... sleep. I drove myself to work the next day and I was completely calm at work even though around me chaos was erupting in every case that called in that day.

I guess that's why I wasn't feeling labor one year ago today when I drove myself to my doctor's appointment, is because that morphine was... awesome. I admitted myself to the hospital. I had called in only 3 weeks before to pre-register. I had my overnight bag in the car from the previous night's hospital adventure. I waited in the hospital bed, hooked up to every machine imaginable, and listened to my baby on the machines. He was so active. I couldn't stop laughing at his activity inside me and I could feel all of it powerfully. I watched my belly as he tossed and turned and I could see his movement. His heart beat was beautiful and soothing. I was given an epidural. My water broke and I didn't feel anything. I was focused on my babies heart beat and movement.

Time passed slowly and I was getting restless from just laying in bed. I found that as I layed there, I had lots of time to think about what was coming my way and I thought I would go insane with the thoughts. My mom and sister would kind of laugh because I would let out a sound of frustration and then wrap my fingers in my hair and tug... I was restless and I wanted to get up... I wanted to be anywhere but there doing what I was doing. But, I listened to my babies heart beat and his movement and it was calming.

Sixteen hours after I was admited to the hospital (now Friday November 13, 2009), I was prepped for C-section. I was wheeled into the surgical room and it was cold. They gave me something in my IV that made the room feel even colder. I was scared and I couldn't stop shaking. My mom was rubbing my cheeks in her hand and telling me to calm my body, but I was scared because within minutes my baby would be here and then within a couple days' time he would be gone and I wasn't ready for that. I kept shaking, trying to will my body to soothe, only it couldn't. My teeth started to chatterand the shaking became debilitating. And then I felt this sensation like a balloon was being lifted from my abdomen and then I heard a tiny cry.

My doctor wiped my baby off and held him over the divider and said, "There's the little trouble maker," as he laughed at my baby's newness. My baby boy was crying and the sound pierced the air like music that is written for only a mother's soul to comprehend. I laughed at his newness. He was perfection. My mom went with the nurse to clean him up and when she brought him back, he was wrapped like a peanut in a white blanket. She held him close to my face and I stopped shaking as I took in a deep breath of him. His scent was warm. I will never forget that moment. I will never forget his face the first time I saw it. Despite the fact that I was drugged beyond comprehension with pain meds for the delivery, I will never forget the first cry my baby made or the first time I saw his face. The memory of him has imprinted itself upon my heart.