9 Years

His eyes sparkled when he laughed, he gave the best hugs I've ever known, we had the deepest conversations imaginable to a 12 and 15 year old, he was a rock star when it came to midnight basketball, he was dependable and loyal, and he was my best friend. Today he has been gone for 9 years and I miss him. Jordan, I know you know how much I miss you and I will never forget you. I love you, my dear best friend.

Today marks the nine year death-day of my adolescent friend Jordan. He killed himself because he found this world to be too dark of a place to reside in and he missed his heavenly home too much to prolong his time here. He was beautiful in every way and cared for the happiness of others above his own. He always thought of everyone before himself and stood up to those who belittled the weak and was a hero to those that were too scared to stand up for themselves. He accepted you regardless of who you were and who other's thought you to be. He loved passionately and loyally. He taught me about life and love and what's most important. He had a passion for music and art that was brilliant beyond his years and he loved to have deep, meaningful discussions. He found humor in the odd and had the greatest sense of humor I've ever experienced. Jordan could calm those in distress simply by reaching out to touch them... all it took was the touch of his hand, or the embrace of his arms- he gave the best hugs- and you felt safe and whole and loved. He made you feel important and loved because his ability to love was endless.

When my Grandma L died, it affected me real bad. I didn't get to see her before she went and so I was struggling. Jordan told me something that I will never forget. He said, "Other Mother, you believe in eternity, right?" I answered in the affirmative, to which he said, "And when one dies and moves in to Eternity, they become immortal, correct?" Again, I answered in the affirmative. He then asked, "How does one become immortal?" I looked at him confused and I responded, "By dying, Jordan. You just answered that question yourself." And he smiled his brilliant playful and loving smile and he said, "Yeah, I know. But there's another way someone becomes immortal, Other Mother." At this point I was really confused. I have ADHD and I was thinking, "Did I miss the entire first half of this conversation?" It just wasn't adding up in my head what he was trying to tell me. He laughed at the confused expression on my face... I can barely hear his laughter in my head right now- it was joy, his laugh was the sound of joy, you know that sound, that sound that fills your heart with joy- and he kept laughing and his smile reached his eyes. Then he grabbed my hand and he looked me in the eyes and he said very seriously, "Your grandmother is immortal which means you will be with her again, but what's more important than that, is you can still be with her here. She lives on in your memory. That's the other way people become immortal, they live on in the memories of the loved ones they leave behind." Wise kid, right? He was only 15 years old when he said that. He then continued on and said, "One day, when I am dead Other Mother, I will become immortal through your memmory, so be sure to always remember me." My 12 year old mind couldn't comprehend then what it was that he was suggesting... I understand it now. And, I wish so badly that I would have realized it then so that I could put my arms around him and tell him that he belongs here and that the world is dark and scary and we are far from home, but for right now, we are meant to be here. I would tell him that I love him and that he is my best friend, but mostly I would hold him until he felt as safe as I did when he would hold me when I was scared. But, that didn't happen, so all I am able to do is tell him every night in my heart that I will never forget him and that he lives on eternally in my memory. And every night until I am gone, I will continue to tell him this.

Jordan, I love you, you were my best friend and I will never forget you. Your memory will live on through me and my written word. I love you and I miss you, and your daughter has your smile, she's 9 now and she has your smile. Good night, my dear, best friend. Sleep well, Jordan.