Martti Ahtisaari- 2008 Nobel Peace Prize Recipient
Nobel Lecture
Delivered December 10, 2008
Oslo, Norway
Your Majesties, Your Royal Highnesses, Excellencies,
Distinguished members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, Dear Friends and Colleagues around the world,
I feel both humility and gratitude at receiving this year's Nobel Peace Prize. It is the greatest recognition anybody working in this field can be given.
What I am feeling now can only be compared with the joy I have felt when seeing the changes that peace has brought to the lives of people. When people, who have endured wars and crises, begin to build their lives in an atmosphere of peace - When faith in the future returns.
I too was a child affected by a war. I was only two years old when, as a result of an agreement on spheres of interest between Hitler's Germany and Stalin's Soviet Union, war broke out, forcing my family to leave soon thereafter the town of Viipuri. Like several hundred thousand fellow Karelians, we became refugees in our own country as great power politics caused the borders of Finland to be redrawn and left my home town as part of the Soviet Union. This childhood experience contributed to my commitment to working on the resolution of conflicts.
*****
Mediators do not choose the conflicts they became involved in but the parties to the conflict choose the mediator. Their participation as intermediaries is based on the trust of all the conflicting parties. The task of the mediator is to help the parties to open difficult issues and nudge them forward in the peace process. The mediator's role combines those of a ship’s pilot, consulting medical doctor, midwife and teacher.
However, there tends to be too much focus on the mediators. With that we are disempowering the parties to the conflict and creating the wrong impression that peace comes from the outside. The only people that can make peace are the parties to the conflict, and just as they are responsible for the conflict and its consequences, so should they be given responsibility and recognition for the peace.
The process leading to Namibian independence was long and required strong commitment and determination from the Namibians. Namibia is also an excellent example of what the UN and its member states can achieve at their best. Today, looking back to those years, it feels almost unbelievable that we managed to get all the key actors, the Western five (US, UK, France, Germany and Canada), the Soviet Union, the Organisation of African Unity, (represented by the African front-line states), the South-African government and all the political parties in Namibia, including SWAPO, to work towards a shared goal. It also taught that a durable solution can only be found if one is also prepared to engage in discussions with your political opponents. I do believe that the experience from the Namibia operation encouraged the government of South Africa to begin the process of democratic change.
The peace process in Aceh showed how important it is that a country's political leadership is committed to finding a solution to an internal conflict. Joint efforts by the political leadership in Indonesia and the Free Aceh Movement resulted in a peace agreement. However, it was only a start. Social and economic reforms can only progress if both negotiating parties and the population at large are committed to them in the long term. Work remains to be done in developing a national system that protects, sustains and improves the quality of life in Aceh.
All conflicts can be resolved
Wars and conflicts are not inevitable. They are caused by human beings. There are always interests that are furthered by war. Therefore those who have power and influence can also stop them.
Peace is a question of will. All conflicts can be settled, and there are no excuses for allowing them to become eternal. It is simply intolerable that violent conflicts defy resolution for decades causing immeasurable human suffering, and preventing economic and social development. The passivity and impotence of the international community make it more difficult for us to place our faith in jointly built security structures. Despite the many challenges, even the most intractable conflicts can be resolved if the parties involved and the international community join forces and work together for a common aim. The United Nations provides the right framework for international peace efforts and solutions to global problems. However, we are all aware of the constraints of the United Nations and of the tendency of the member states to give it demanding assignments without providing adequate resources and political support. It is important that the UN member states work resolutely to strengthen the world organization. We cannot afford to lose the UN.
In a conflict, one party can always claim victory, but building peace must involve everybody: the weak and the powerful, the victors and the vanquished, men and women, young and old. However, peace negotiations are often conducted by a small elite. In the future we must be better able to achieve a broader participation in peace processes. Particularly, there is a need to ensure the engagement of women in all stages of a peace process.
Peace processes and the agreements resulting from them end the violence. But the real work only starts after a peace agreement has been concluded. The agreements reached have to be implemented. Social and political change does not happen overnight, and the reconstruction and establishment of democracy demand patience. That requires a comprehensive approach to peacebuilding, and support for civil society.
Inequality breeds conflict
Growing inequality within countries and between regions deepens the existing cleavages. It is our task to create a future and hope for regions and countries in crisis where young people suffer from unemployment and have little prospects of improving their lives. Unless we can meet this challenge, new conflicts will flare up and we will lose another generation to war.
There has been a great deal of talk this year about the financial crisis. This financial crisis also highlights the importance of maintaining the commitment of the international community to development cooperation. The effects of this crisis may prove another major setback for the developing world. The very poorest people are already being hit hardest by the impact of climate change, rising food prices and lower levels of foreign trade. A reduction in foreign assistance and investment would be disastrous for badly needed economic growth. At this difficult time, I call on all governments to remain committed to their stated goals of eradicating poverty.
We must all be able to contribute to our own future and to the future of our communities. If the present trend continues, we will be faced with a situation where hundreds of millions of young people will be out of work in countries that are in early stages of development. If nothing is done, we will be creating an effective breeding ground for crime, instability and war as young people lose all hope. I believe that the fight against poverty is also the most effective measure of countering terrorism in the long term.
I returned ten days ago from Liberia I came away with mixed feelings. First, a feeling of sadness at the scale of destruction that the war left in Liberia and the size of the challenge for the Government and the international community. Second, a degree of optimism that the people we met, can begin to make a real difference - but only if the international community can retain its commitment to Liberia over the long term.
Conflict settlement requires the injection of optimism and hope born from employment and economic opportunities. Otherwise, fragile peace agreements can rarely be sustained. Over the long term, only the private sector is capable of growing new enterprises, creating investment opportunities which provide employment and enduring economic security. Attracting private-sector investment into war-torn areas is not easy. It requires innovation. A mix of non-economic and economic incentives will have to be devised. Similarly, involvement of the private sector in the larger work of formulating strategies for post-war recovery will require innovative thinking.
A solution must be found to the Middle East conflict
The most challenging peace-building project ahead of us is finding a solution to the conflicts in the Middle East, which have continued for decades. The tensions and wars in the region have been going on for so long that many have come to believe that the Middle East knot can never be untied.
I do not share this belief. All crises, including the one in the Middle East, can be resolved. The solution would require a contribution from all the parties involved as well as the international community as a whole. We might be strengthened in our resolve if we set our sights on the future and imagine what the world could look like if the countries in the region could jointly begin to develop their economic potential, build transport links, make full use of their educated population and begin to reap the benefits of an advantageous location in the crossroads of three continents.
I hope that the new President of the United States, who will be sworn in next month, will give high priority to the Middle East conflict during his first year in office. The European Union, Russia and the UN must also be seriously committed so that a solution can be found to the crises stretching from Israel and Palestine to Iraq and Iran. If we want to achieve lasting results, we must look at the whole region.
The credibility of the whole international community is at stake. We cannot go on, year after year, simply pretending to do something to help the situation in the Middle East. We must also get results.
For many people, tensions between religions have provided an easy explanation for the intractability of the Middle East crisis. I cannot accept this view. During my career I have seen many crises in which religion has been used as a weapon or as an instrument for prolonging the conflict. Religions themselves are, however, peace-loving. They can also be a constructive force in peace-building, and this also applies to the Middle East.
Peace mediators do not work alone
All parties to the conflict play a key role in finding a peaceful solution and putting it into practice. Likewise, a single outside party is rarely able to play all the roles that are required for a peace process to succeed.
All my peace assignments have taught me that a peace process is largely a matter of cooperation and partnership between different actors, parties to a conflict, peace mediators, governments, the civic society and international organizations.
Even though all eyes are often on the peace mediators, it is important to emphasize the role of the mediation teams and the other important actors outside the direct negotiation process itself. In my work I have always been in a privileged position to build up my own team, including my colleagues at the organization I founded after my Finnish Presidency, Crisis Management Initiative. I have had the opportunity to work with many highly qualified colleagues in different peace processes. Without them I would not be here today.
I hope that all those brave women and men that have worked for the peace in their country would feel that they can share this prize with me.
However, my biggest source of strength is my family. My wife Eeva and my son Marko have always been at my side. They have provided me with both support and constructive criticism. I offer them my heartfelt thanks.
Dear friends,
I hope that this distinguished prize awarded to me will encourage individuals and organizations to continue their efforts for peace. I also hope that they will receive full support for their work in the future.
If we work together, we can find solutions. We should not accept any excuses from those in power. Peace is a question of will.
Thank you!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Robyn "With Every Heartbeat"
Maybe we could make it all right
We could make it better sometime
Maybe we could make it happen baby
We could keep trying
but things will never change
So I don’t look back
Still I’m dying with every step I take
But I don’t look back
Just a little, little bit better
Good enough to waste some time
Tell me would it make you happy baby
We could keep trying
but things will never change
So I don’t look back
Still I’m dying with every step I take
But I don’t look back
We could keep trying
but things will never change
So I don’t look back
Still I’m dying with every step I take
But I don’t look back
And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
It hurts wïth every heartbeat
Friday, March 26, 2010
Progress
For the last couple years of my life I've played around with the idea of moving to Louisiana. I know what you're thinking, "WHAT? Why Louisiana?! Don't you know that Louisiana is the armpit of America?" If I had a dollar for every time I heard the above reaction to my musings of changing location... well, I'm pretty sure my car would be paid off at this point. Be that as it may, that's the only reason I haven't moved thus far... my car I mean. I knew that, wherever I move to, I want to be able to move there with no debt. So, for the last two years of my life I have been researching different states to see where I would want to move. The list has included Virginia, New York, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, Georgia, Washington state, California, Colorado, and last but certainly not least, Louisiana. My desire to move to Virginia, New York, and Pennsylvania, was fleeting as best. I spent a year in New York as a nanny after I graduated from high school and, well... I hate New York. That one year in New York has built up a general aversion to any major East Coast state. I extensively researched Washington state because I love the Northwest, but what I found is that the cost of living up there is disgusting! End of story. California... same aversion as East coast states... it's just too messy out there. Oklahoma, well that might be attributed to my unhealthy liking of old-school musicals... I'm still on the fence post about that one, to be honest. I am in love with the idea of Savannah, Georgia. As I've researched Savannah, it would seem to me that it's somewhat similar to the college town I live in right now. There are a lot of jobs down in that area that cater to student employees. The town seems relatively young... and there is something so DARN appealing about the southern hospitality I've heard so much about in regards to Georgia. So, I'm still on the fence post about Georgia. Now, for Louisiana. I have a lot of friends from Louisiana and they are all wonderful people... well, one of them I'm still deciding on. Anyway, I was talking with Southern Boy (friend from Louisiana) about my desire to move down there. Southern Boy and I have been friends for 6 years now and I love him to death. When I told him that I was thinking of moving down there he said, "Heck yeah! Girl, I can hook you up with so many people down there!" Southern Boy lives here in Utah. He is pursuing school out here. He said he'll get me in contact with his family and friends down there. Now, I've met Southern Boy's mama once while she was in Utah visiting him and she is hysterical. She reminds me of Paula Dean on Food Network Television. The first time I met his mom, Southern Boy and I were bantering back and forth with one another about something extremely foolish I'm sure. She looked at me and said, "Honey. You ain't never gonna get married if you don't let your man have the last word in an argument." I started laughing so hard that tears were coming out of my eyes and Southern Boy said, "Mama. It's funny to hear you say that seeming as daddy never gets the final say." To which I began laughing harder and Southern Mama's response was, "(Hearty laugh) I know Southern Boy, I know! But, when we was courtin', your daddy and I, I always let him have the last word so that he would marry me." And that, my dear readers, is why I love Louisiana. I know what you are thinking. You are probably very confused and feeling lost in my reasoning- it happens to me too- take a deep breath, it helps, I promise. There is something so beautiful in the reactions between the people of the south. I've witnessed it time and again. There are no formalities, just honest interractions. I feel like I'm drowning in formalities right now and I've always felt that way. I've always been one to be completely honest in my dialogue with people and, oftentimes, my honesty causes discomfort... but, I don't know how to be any other way. When I am with my Louisiana friends, the honesty is heard, accepted, and discussed. It's easier to breathe around my southern friends because they are so laid back and chill... and the affect on me, of their chillaxed demeanor is calming and liberating. Anyway, so for now, I'm mostly leaning towards Louisiana and can possibly make the move as early as this August. I've been looking in to LSU as well and they have a lot of really great programs and research opportunites. It's amazing. I'm so excited. Every time I think about Louisiana, I get more excited. That's what's going on with me right now.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Blogger Interview Project
The last couple of weeks I have participated in a Blogger Interview Project discussing all facets of the adoption process. I was lucky enough to be paired with a couple who is currently in the process of adopting a child. Below are the following questions that I asked KT and her answers. What a wonderful experience for me to gain more insight into the world of adoption from learning the perspective of the adoption parent(s) throughout this process. Please read and enjoy the interview. I hope you come away from this blog entry with a better understanding of the adoption world, as well as a deeper interest in learning more about it for yourself. If you are interested in learning more about this couple, you can visit their blog (http://gatesplace.blogspot.com/). Thank you and enjoy.
The Adoption agency that you are working with, is it only for the State of Illinois , or are there sister agencies elsewhere in the United States ? What made you decide to go with this specific agency?
The adoption agency we work with is a non-for-profit who is licensed only in IL. If an out-of-state situation comes up, they would then partner with another agency/lawyer in the other state to complete the process. In terms of their marketing, they are only focused in Illinois .
The main reason we used this agency is because they provided us with a very strong base of counseling and education. If they were doing this for us, we felt that they would be doing it for the birthparents as well. They have a 24-hour medically staffed nursery on site; this is beneficial for it gives all birthparents the time they need to make the proper decisions…nothing is rushed.
More recently, we have explored the possibility of working with larger networking that crosses state lines. Unfortunately, this all comes with money and we are trying to weigh the risk with the reward. Another question that continues to pop up is, in an out-of-state situation, is the birthparent receiving counseling (before and after placement)?
You talked in your blog about how possible placement opportunities have been presented to you and your husband, but that they didn't feel right so you both decided to not pursue them; that must have been frustrating for you both. What goes through your mind when this happens? I know this is a very broad, open-ended question, and it is completely open to your interpretation. There is no wrong answer here.
This has been the most difficult part of the process; it hits me harder than it hits Rob.
There are two types of scenarios at our agency:a) Birthparent looks through the book of short profiles; the birthparents select a handful of families in which they would like to see the long profiles. We have had several of these and have always felt “good” about them…a positive “connection” had been made and we had our long profile shown. In all of these cases so far, the birthparents either choose another family or decided to parent themselves.
b) The agency asks a handful of families if they would like their long profiles shown. This typically happens because the cases are more “complex” and they know not all families would feel comfortable (i.e. drug use). This is where we have had problems recently. When the agency identifies you, there isn’t always an obvious “connection”; you might hear the situation and think, gosh, I am a polar opposite to this birthparent. It just doesn’t always feel “right”. It is just so much easier when the birthparents ask for you…that “connection” is there. And then in some cases, to have to make this decision in 24 hours or less…ahghg!
How does one make a lifelong decision with doubt in their heart? Well for us, the answer is, we don’t. We are not saying “no” to a birthparent (they don’t even know about us), we are just saying “no”, we don’t want to pursue the situation. Regardless, this is so very difficult to do!
Since we have had situations where we have been 100% and excited, we are finding it difficult to look at these “special” situations and not feel the same way. Is it fair to anyone to put your profile in if you have doubts? No, we don’t think so. Will this change for us over time? I don’t know. What I do know is that it emotionally takes its toll; saying no to any situation makes you feel selfish.
There was an incident that occurred between you and a co-worker that was very offensive in how she discussed adoption. If you could say anything to her right now, with no fear of rebuke, rather your words resound with complete clarity in your brain, what would it be? What was your thought process when she said what she said? What would be the one thing you would want anyone who isn't familiar with the world of adoption to understand about adoption and it's process?
We have been taught that there are three general ways to deal with comments: 1) avoidance, 2) humor, 3) education. I suppose I generally take the #1 route; Rob almost always will take the #2 route. Looking back on this situation, I think I would have taken the #3 route: “Did you marry your husband? Are you biologically related? Do you love him?”. I might throw something in the end such as, “…you would never be welcome in the adoption community!”.
So often it just depends on my mood and what is going on that day; we have heard so many comments.
Are you still wanting to try out for the Amazing Race?
Oh yes! This is continues to be on my list of things to do. I can’t explain why we are so drawn to the show, but we just love it. Want to be my partner?
Talk to me about the concerns and fears that you have as a prospective adoption parent. It sounds like you are extremely open to an open adoption, but do you have concerns about any part of the process- pre placement, placement, post placement?
I worry about my ability to deal with placement day…and the days to follow. How can we balance the fact that this could be the best day of our lives, when we know that there is a birthparent grieving. How do you focus on baby, when you know another heart is breaking?
I worry about openness. In a few of the more “complex” situations we have seen recently, there have been some arrests present in the birthparents history. Would we be able to have an open relationship with a criminal? Would I ever feel that our child (or ourselves) are in danger? We seek an open situation, but in a situation such as this, our relationship to openness changes. It is a difficult topic that we never have had to discuss until more recently.
I worry that this isn’t going to happen. We are not looking for a “perfect” situation, but we are looking for the “right” situation. I worry that if this doesn’t happen, will people accept us for who we are and the decisions we have made? Will people think we are selfish because we have not gone into situations we are not comfortable with?
What was the status of the Guinness Book of World Records Kite-flying contest?
While they probably had the numbers last year, it was not organized enough to count if all of the kites were in the air at the same time (the record was not broken). This year, they are hiring an organizer, so maybe it will happen!
You talk in your blog about when you and your husband were creating your long profile and the concerns and worries you had over what you should say or not say. Explain this process to me. I remember filling out the birth-parent forms and all the medical history and things of that nature and being so concerned over what I should put and what I should leave out. It's interesting to hear that there are concerns on the other side, as well. Talk to me about what the process was like when creating your long profile.
The point of the profile is to show who you are through words and pictures in a relatively compact process. For us, the question became, what is relevant? I could say that we value education…I could say that we don’t have cable tv… What makes us Katie and Rob?
Do we paint a lovely picture? Or does one want to know that there has been cancer in my side of the family? We do not always share the same opinion? All of these things make us who we are.
We have struggled (and continue to struggle) if our profile is a true representation of who we are and the life we would be able to provide for a child.
I suppose until you are in the process of adoption, you don’t realize it is very difficult to put your life down on paper in such a way that will appeal to someone else!
How has your family reacted to the world of adoption? Was it difficult for you and your husband to talk to your family about your goals and hopes in this new journey of creating your family? Were there any surprising reactions that you were not expecting?
For the most part, we have had a positive response. A few of my uncles have offered us their teenage children to us…no questions asked!
We still do get the comments about pregnancy; let me tell you about the never ending “you will get pregnant after you adopt” comment… I don’t know if this is just people being people…or if they are questioning adoption. Maybe it is more difficult for family to let this go?
We have also gotten the “…you should try invitro…” comments (this was one immediate family member’s response to our adoption news). Again, I don’t know if it is people wanting that genetic connection? Or just people being people…
I think if this process has taught me that everyone is unique. Not everyone is going to be married. Not everyone is going to have children. It is every individual’s choice…so embrace it…enjoy life whatever way you desire!
Lastly, you and your husband travel extensively. Where has been your favorite destination and why?
I can’t say that there has been a specific destination that is my “favorite”; honestly, I would do any of our trips again in a heartbeat! We often talk about this in the car, and we never agree; we actual have started breaking it down to what has been our favorite “day”.
I loved the two days we spent at Yosemite Valley ( California ); the sky was blue and the weather perfect. The hikes we did were just beautiful. We will go back – I guarantee it. We often talk about doing the hike to the top of half-dome (I wonder if I will be able to handle the cables!).
Every vacation holds a unique story…every one is a treasure.
The Adoption agency that you are working with, is it only for the State of Illinois , or are there sister agencies elsewhere in the United States ? What made you decide to go with this specific agency?
The adoption agency we work with is a non-for-profit who is licensed only in IL. If an out-of-state situation comes up, they would then partner with another agency/lawyer in the other state to complete the process. In terms of their marketing, they are only focused in Illinois .
The main reason we used this agency is because they provided us with a very strong base of counseling and education. If they were doing this for us, we felt that they would be doing it for the birthparents as well. They have a 24-hour medically staffed nursery on site; this is beneficial for it gives all birthparents the time they need to make the proper decisions…nothing is rushed.
More recently, we have explored the possibility of working with larger networking that crosses state lines. Unfortunately, this all comes with money and we are trying to weigh the risk with the reward. Another question that continues to pop up is, in an out-of-state situation, is the birthparent receiving counseling (before and after placement)?
You talked in your blog about how possible placement opportunities have been presented to you and your husband, but that they didn't feel right so you both decided to not pursue them; that must have been frustrating for you both. What goes through your mind when this happens? I know this is a very broad, open-ended question, and it is completely open to your interpretation. There is no wrong answer here.
This has been the most difficult part of the process; it hits me harder than it hits Rob.
There are two types of scenarios at our agency:a) Birthparent looks through the book of short profiles; the birthparents select a handful of families in which they would like to see the long profiles. We have had several of these and have always felt “good” about them…a positive “connection” had been made and we had our long profile shown. In all of these cases so far, the birthparents either choose another family or decided to parent themselves.
b) The agency asks a handful of families if they would like their long profiles shown. This typically happens because the cases are more “complex” and they know not all families would feel comfortable (i.e. drug use). This is where we have had problems recently. When the agency identifies you, there isn’t always an obvious “connection”; you might hear the situation and think, gosh, I am a polar opposite to this birthparent. It just doesn’t always feel “right”. It is just so much easier when the birthparents ask for you…that “connection” is there. And then in some cases, to have to make this decision in 24 hours or less…ahghg!
How does one make a lifelong decision with doubt in their heart? Well for us, the answer is, we don’t. We are not saying “no” to a birthparent (they don’t even know about us), we are just saying “no”, we don’t want to pursue the situation. Regardless, this is so very difficult to do!
Since we have had situations where we have been 100% and excited, we are finding it difficult to look at these “special” situations and not feel the same way. Is it fair to anyone to put your profile in if you have doubts? No, we don’t think so. Will this change for us over time? I don’t know. What I do know is that it emotionally takes its toll; saying no to any situation makes you feel selfish.
There was an incident that occurred between you and a co-worker that was very offensive in how she discussed adoption. If you could say anything to her right now, with no fear of rebuke, rather your words resound with complete clarity in your brain, what would it be? What was your thought process when she said what she said? What would be the one thing you would want anyone who isn't familiar with the world of adoption to understand about adoption and it's process?
We have been taught that there are three general ways to deal with comments: 1) avoidance, 2) humor, 3) education. I suppose I generally take the #1 route; Rob almost always will take the #2 route. Looking back on this situation, I think I would have taken the #3 route: “Did you marry your husband? Are you biologically related? Do you love him?”. I might throw something in the end such as, “…you would never be welcome in the adoption community!”.
So often it just depends on my mood and what is going on that day; we have heard so many comments.
Are you still wanting to try out for the Amazing Race?
Oh yes! This is continues to be on my list of things to do. I can’t explain why we are so drawn to the show, but we just love it. Want to be my partner?
Talk to me about the concerns and fears that you have as a prospective adoption parent. It sounds like you are extremely open to an open adoption, but do you have concerns about any part of the process- pre placement, placement, post placement?
I worry about my ability to deal with placement day…and the days to follow. How can we balance the fact that this could be the best day of our lives, when we know that there is a birthparent grieving. How do you focus on baby, when you know another heart is breaking?
I worry about openness. In a few of the more “complex” situations we have seen recently, there have been some arrests present in the birthparents history. Would we be able to have an open relationship with a criminal? Would I ever feel that our child (or ourselves) are in danger? We seek an open situation, but in a situation such as this, our relationship to openness changes. It is a difficult topic that we never have had to discuss until more recently.
I worry that this isn’t going to happen. We are not looking for a “perfect” situation, but we are looking for the “right” situation. I worry that if this doesn’t happen, will people accept us for who we are and the decisions we have made? Will people think we are selfish because we have not gone into situations we are not comfortable with?
What was the status of the Guinness Book of World Records Kite-flying contest?
While they probably had the numbers last year, it was not organized enough to count if all of the kites were in the air at the same time (the record was not broken). This year, they are hiring an organizer, so maybe it will happen!
You talk in your blog about when you and your husband were creating your long profile and the concerns and worries you had over what you should say or not say. Explain this process to me. I remember filling out the birth-parent forms and all the medical history and things of that nature and being so concerned over what I should put and what I should leave out. It's interesting to hear that there are concerns on the other side, as well. Talk to me about what the process was like when creating your long profile.
The point of the profile is to show who you are through words and pictures in a relatively compact process. For us, the question became, what is relevant? I could say that we value education…I could say that we don’t have cable tv… What makes us Katie and Rob?
Do we paint a lovely picture? Or does one want to know that there has been cancer in my side of the family? We do not always share the same opinion? All of these things make us who we are.
We have struggled (and continue to struggle) if our profile is a true representation of who we are and the life we would be able to provide for a child.
I suppose until you are in the process of adoption, you don’t realize it is very difficult to put your life down on paper in such a way that will appeal to someone else!
How has your family reacted to the world of adoption? Was it difficult for you and your husband to talk to your family about your goals and hopes in this new journey of creating your family? Were there any surprising reactions that you were not expecting?
For the most part, we have had a positive response. A few of my uncles have offered us their teenage children to us…no questions asked!
We still do get the comments about pregnancy; let me tell you about the never ending “you will get pregnant after you adopt” comment… I don’t know if this is just people being people…or if they are questioning adoption. Maybe it is more difficult for family to let this go?
We have also gotten the “…you should try invitro…” comments (this was one immediate family member’s response to our adoption news). Again, I don’t know if it is people wanting that genetic connection? Or just people being people…
I think if this process has taught me that everyone is unique. Not everyone is going to be married. Not everyone is going to have children. It is every individual’s choice…so embrace it…enjoy life whatever way you desire!
Lastly, you and your husband travel extensively. Where has been your favorite destination and why?
I can’t say that there has been a specific destination that is my “favorite”; honestly, I would do any of our trips again in a heartbeat! We often talk about this in the car, and we never agree; we actual have started breaking it down to what has been our favorite “day”.
I loved the two days we spent at Yosemite Valley ( California ); the sky was blue and the weather perfect. The hikes we did were just beautiful. We will go back – I guarantee it. We often talk about doing the hike to the top of half-dome (I wonder if I will be able to handle the cables!).
Every vacation holds a unique story…every one is a treasure.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Apologies
I realize, as of late, that my posts have been alarming to some. Please forgive me for this. I'm beginning to feel that I shouldn't post anything when I am feeling an emotion at it's fullest. What can I say? I'm just trying to figure everything out. I started a new poem... kind of. Actually, it's just a bunch of words at this point... literally, it is a list of words that have been pooping into my head at random, but in this list of words I believe there is a story that needs to be told and so I am collecting the story in bits and pieces in order to unravel the events it would like to have shared. It's been a real long time since I've written anything and so I feel extremely rusty at the process. Poems used to pour out of me like exhaled air and I believe this was because what I felt and wanted to say was so close to the surface and singular in it's message that it literally just poured out of me. The feelings that I feel right now, though they are not just below the surface rather they are the surface, are so complicated that I can't make sense of them and so they come to me in bits and pieces that need to be strung together. The poem that I wrote just a couple of posts back is not in it's finished form, but I'm not focusing on it because it's still too emotional and so I will let it sit for a while until I am at a place where I can approach it with a new sense of vision. This all sounds so hokey and hog-washed, but writing is my outlet, it keeps me sane and I haven't been able to write for so long because I lost my voice- my inner voice- it's confusing. This is just an update and an apology for all those that I might have frightened by my previous posts.
On a lighter note. I was talking with a dear friend of mine, we will call him Philosopher of Physics (he can't decide what he wants to get his degree in- Physics or Philosophy- and he is very close to graduating in either one), though he is now thinking of becoming a Psychologist. But, for the sake of avoiding confusion, we will call him Philosopher of Physics, lest you think when I talk about Psychologist, that I am referring to a real Psychologist. Anyway, I was talking with Philosopher of Physics and just venting a lot of my frustrations to him about all that I am feeling and telling him that I feel real lost right now and he was very patient in listening to me grumble. He asked me something that is so simple, yet something I haven't thought about in a very long time. He asked me, "Other Mother. What is it you want? Think back to when you were a child, what did you want to do with your life? Outside of having a family, what did you want to accomplish? Outside of graduating from University, which you eventually will accomplish, what did you want to do?" I told, "I don't know, Philosopher of Physics. I don't remember." I've been thinking a lot on that conversation this last week. I've been so focused on getting back into school and still not quite sure what I want to get my degree in that I haven't focused on anything else. Needless to say, I have a better idea now of what I want to pursue accademically, but still nervous about it. But, I haven't thought about my childhood dreams in so long. So, I've spent a lot of time thinking about it this past week and I remembered something.
I lived in Missouri for 3 years of my childhood and I remember going roller skating for a friends birthday and I remember getting to the rink early and not being allowed to skate until the previous group was done. The previous group were some older girls and they were skating really aggressively against one another and ramming into each other and I remember it scared me, but then when they were done skating they were chumming it up like the greatest of friends. I asked my friend's mother what was wrong with the girls and she laughed at me and said, "Nothing. They are trying out for a Roller-Derby team." I had no clue what Roller-Derby was and so I asked more about it and she explained it to me. Once I understood it, I thought it was the greatest thing to hit the World since peanut butter and jam sandwiches. I wanted to be a Roller-Derby girl. It was that simple. I was inspired by those girl's strength. I thought it was amazing that they played as ruthlessly as boys did. Growing up, I always picked a fight with my mom when she wouldn't allow me the same courtesy to do things my brothers did. I never wanted to be told I couldn't do something because it was too dangerous. I wanted to be fearless. And, I still do. If someone tells me that I'm incapable of doing something, I do it to prove them wrong and I excel at it because I want them to know that I am capable. It's silly if I think long and hard about it, but I want to be a Roller-Derby girl. I did some research on the internet last night, and it turns out that Utah has a Roller-Derby league. They already had the try-outs for this year's teams and the teams are assembled, but I am going to start training so that I can try out for next year's team. Which means, I need to buy me some skates because, yeah, it's been at least 10 years since I've been on skates. But, I have a goal. I'm going to be a Roller-Derby girl this time next year. And, I am so excited about it! I know they seem rough on the surface and intimidating, but the league here in Utah does a lot of money-raising fundraiser events for local non-for-profit groups in the area, so they are hard-core for good reasons. The idea of trying out for a team makes me feel giddy inside like a child again and that excited me.
On a lighter note. I was talking with a dear friend of mine, we will call him Philosopher of Physics (he can't decide what he wants to get his degree in- Physics or Philosophy- and he is very close to graduating in either one), though he is now thinking of becoming a Psychologist. But, for the sake of avoiding confusion, we will call him Philosopher of Physics, lest you think when I talk about Psychologist, that I am referring to a real Psychologist. Anyway, I was talking with Philosopher of Physics and just venting a lot of my frustrations to him about all that I am feeling and telling him that I feel real lost right now and he was very patient in listening to me grumble. He asked me something that is so simple, yet something I haven't thought about in a very long time. He asked me, "Other Mother. What is it you want? Think back to when you were a child, what did you want to do with your life? Outside of having a family, what did you want to accomplish? Outside of graduating from University, which you eventually will accomplish, what did you want to do?" I told, "I don't know, Philosopher of Physics. I don't remember." I've been thinking a lot on that conversation this last week. I've been so focused on getting back into school and still not quite sure what I want to get my degree in that I haven't focused on anything else. Needless to say, I have a better idea now of what I want to pursue accademically, but still nervous about it. But, I haven't thought about my childhood dreams in so long. So, I've spent a lot of time thinking about it this past week and I remembered something.
I lived in Missouri for 3 years of my childhood and I remember going roller skating for a friends birthday and I remember getting to the rink early and not being allowed to skate until the previous group was done. The previous group were some older girls and they were skating really aggressively against one another and ramming into each other and I remember it scared me, but then when they were done skating they were chumming it up like the greatest of friends. I asked my friend's mother what was wrong with the girls and she laughed at me and said, "Nothing. They are trying out for a Roller-Derby team." I had no clue what Roller-Derby was and so I asked more about it and she explained it to me. Once I understood it, I thought it was the greatest thing to hit the World since peanut butter and jam sandwiches. I wanted to be a Roller-Derby girl. It was that simple. I was inspired by those girl's strength. I thought it was amazing that they played as ruthlessly as boys did. Growing up, I always picked a fight with my mom when she wouldn't allow me the same courtesy to do things my brothers did. I never wanted to be told I couldn't do something because it was too dangerous. I wanted to be fearless. And, I still do. If someone tells me that I'm incapable of doing something, I do it to prove them wrong and I excel at it because I want them to know that I am capable. It's silly if I think long and hard about it, but I want to be a Roller-Derby girl. I did some research on the internet last night, and it turns out that Utah has a Roller-Derby league. They already had the try-outs for this year's teams and the teams are assembled, but I am going to start training so that I can try out for next year's team. Which means, I need to buy me some skates because, yeah, it's been at least 10 years since I've been on skates. But, I have a goal. I'm going to be a Roller-Derby girl this time next year. And, I am so excited about it! I know they seem rough on the surface and intimidating, but the league here in Utah does a lot of money-raising fundraiser events for local non-for-profit groups in the area, so they are hard-core for good reasons. The idea of trying out for a team makes me feel giddy inside like a child again and that excited me.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Looking for God
I've been struggling with religion lately. It would seem that the Spiritual high I felt during my entire pregnancy has faded. I would imagine a lot of what I felt, religiously speaking, during my pregnancy was the result of being the host of two spirits. I am in no way saying that I doubt God's existence because I don't. What I am saying is that I don't know who He is or where to find him. I don't feel peace when I walk in to a church anymore. Rather, I have panic attacks. I'm working on the repentance process and it is difficult and part of me is scared to death of what my next trial will be because this life is full of them and my religion views trials as something we experience in order to learn a valuable lesson that we would otherwise not learn without having the experience of hardship. And, I'm tired. I'm exhausted. And a huge part of me just doesn't care anymore.
I sat in a Methodist church parking lot today, hyperventilating and afraid to walk in the doors. I'm not Methodist, but I figured, I haven't gone to church for 2 or 3 weeks now and I feel like I need to attend church, but I can't bring myself to go back to mine, so I'll try another one. It didn't work out too well for me as I never did make it in to the building. I just sat in my car, staring at the building and strggling to catch my breath, which felt like ice in my chest. I then drove around town for the next hour trying to feel God. But, I couldn't feel Him. And that scares me. I apologize to all who are reading this that I love- family and friends- because this isn't going to be the happiest or most comforting blog you'll read from me. In fact, it might scare you because some of the things I'm going to mention kind of scare me, if I'm being honest. I'm trying to find out who I am and I'm starting to learn that there are some aspects of me that don't coincide with who the majority of the people in my life would like me to be, or believe I can become... and that's hard to stomach.
I have a tattoo, this is something my family and friends know, already. But, what you don't know, dear family and friends, is that I've been designing another one. I doubt I'll get it, but, I'm trying to visualize this latest experience for me because, even though I seem alright, I'm not. I'm hurting... but, even that is interesting, as I don't feel anything, nothing moves me. I don't feel broken, I don't feel destroyed, I don't feel helpless... I don't really feel. I don't care about anything.
If I were to try and explain what the last year has been like for me, it would go something like this. I am a butterfly, and for a while I was flying, freely and gracefully through life, going where the wind carried me and then I got lost, somewhere far away from home and it was dark. I became cold. It hurt to move and so I stayed frozen and when I woke up I was surrounded by thorns and they were cutting into my skin and they were tearing at my soul and the more I tried to escape, the more I got caught by the thorns and the more the thorns pierced my heart and so I had to stay still until I had strength enough to tear away from the thorns, but even in tearing away from them, so much was lost. Finally, I'm free of the thorns and I emerge tattered and torn and barely flying, if you want to call it flying, it's more like... being carried by the wind, but not in a freeing sort of way, rather in a way that I'm too weak to fly for myself, so I'm carried...
If I were to ever get a tattoo again it would be that image. A butterfly breaking through the thorns, tattered and torn, but this one isn't just passively being carried on the wind, it's still flying.
In Aztec culture, the butterfly represents the spirits of warriors who died during battle, or of women who died during child-birth. The Aztecs viewed these two deaths as the most noble way one could pass from this life into the next and so those who died this way were afforded another life, and that was in the form of a butterfly. Other cultures view the butterfly as the physical manifestation of someone's spirit after they pass away. And, in Christian symbolism, the butterfly and it's life-span depict the struggles that every person must go through to come to know Christ, their Redeemer, and to reach exaltation. The struggle of hatching from the cocoon represents this life and the difficulties we face that we must endure through and break free from, and then the birth (or spiritual rebirth, if you will) into a butterfly that is free to fly, free from wordly bonds. The butterfly symbolizes transition from the human body and it's confines into the exalted spirit, free from pain's confines, but that freedom comes at a very painful cost.
I don't know exactly what it is that I am trying to say or where I am going with this, but one thing I know is that as I've been trying to visualize this latest experience that I am living, this image came to my mind of this tattered butterfly breaking free from the thorns, and flying and I felt peace again and the thought of translating that on to my body made me excited and I felt something again. Again, as to whether or not I'm going to go through with it, is another matter, but then again... I don't know if my doubting whether or not I do get another tattoo is how I really feel or if I am just trying to comfort my loved ones, who will read this and worry, into a sense of security about my emotional state that actually might not exist... I don't know.
That's another interesting thing about grief that I've noticed. The person experiencing the grief isn't honest about it because they want to protect those that are concerned with how they, the person experiencing grief, is doing. Sometimes it's easier or more comforting to the person grieving to answer, "I'm fine," when asked how they are doing. It's easier to answer this way because the person grieving knows that an answer like that is more comforting to the one hearing it than the honest answer of, "I feel dead." Because, what are the loved ones supposed to do with an answer like that? Nothing, because it's honesty at it's worst and so they worry which causes more worry and pain to the grieving person. I guess, what I'm trying to say is that, obviously grief is messy for everyone, those actively experiencing the grief and those who are experiencing it through their loved one who is actively experiencing it. Confused yet? I am.
I sat in a Methodist church parking lot today, hyperventilating and afraid to walk in the doors. I'm not Methodist, but I figured, I haven't gone to church for 2 or 3 weeks now and I feel like I need to attend church, but I can't bring myself to go back to mine, so I'll try another one. It didn't work out too well for me as I never did make it in to the building. I just sat in my car, staring at the building and strggling to catch my breath, which felt like ice in my chest. I then drove around town for the next hour trying to feel God. But, I couldn't feel Him. And that scares me. I apologize to all who are reading this that I love- family and friends- because this isn't going to be the happiest or most comforting blog you'll read from me. In fact, it might scare you because some of the things I'm going to mention kind of scare me, if I'm being honest. I'm trying to find out who I am and I'm starting to learn that there are some aspects of me that don't coincide with who the majority of the people in my life would like me to be, or believe I can become... and that's hard to stomach.
I have a tattoo, this is something my family and friends know, already. But, what you don't know, dear family and friends, is that I've been designing another one. I doubt I'll get it, but, I'm trying to visualize this latest experience for me because, even though I seem alright, I'm not. I'm hurting... but, even that is interesting, as I don't feel anything, nothing moves me. I don't feel broken, I don't feel destroyed, I don't feel helpless... I don't really feel. I don't care about anything.
If I were to try and explain what the last year has been like for me, it would go something like this. I am a butterfly, and for a while I was flying, freely and gracefully through life, going where the wind carried me and then I got lost, somewhere far away from home and it was dark. I became cold. It hurt to move and so I stayed frozen and when I woke up I was surrounded by thorns and they were cutting into my skin and they were tearing at my soul and the more I tried to escape, the more I got caught by the thorns and the more the thorns pierced my heart and so I had to stay still until I had strength enough to tear away from the thorns, but even in tearing away from them, so much was lost. Finally, I'm free of the thorns and I emerge tattered and torn and barely flying, if you want to call it flying, it's more like... being carried by the wind, but not in a freeing sort of way, rather in a way that I'm too weak to fly for myself, so I'm carried...
If I were to ever get a tattoo again it would be that image. A butterfly breaking through the thorns, tattered and torn, but this one isn't just passively being carried on the wind, it's still flying.
In Aztec culture, the butterfly represents the spirits of warriors who died during battle, or of women who died during child-birth. The Aztecs viewed these two deaths as the most noble way one could pass from this life into the next and so those who died this way were afforded another life, and that was in the form of a butterfly. Other cultures view the butterfly as the physical manifestation of someone's spirit after they pass away. And, in Christian symbolism, the butterfly and it's life-span depict the struggles that every person must go through to come to know Christ, their Redeemer, and to reach exaltation. The struggle of hatching from the cocoon represents this life and the difficulties we face that we must endure through and break free from, and then the birth (or spiritual rebirth, if you will) into a butterfly that is free to fly, free from wordly bonds. The butterfly symbolizes transition from the human body and it's confines into the exalted spirit, free from pain's confines, but that freedom comes at a very painful cost.
I don't know exactly what it is that I am trying to say or where I am going with this, but one thing I know is that as I've been trying to visualize this latest experience that I am living, this image came to my mind of this tattered butterfly breaking free from the thorns, and flying and I felt peace again and the thought of translating that on to my body made me excited and I felt something again. Again, as to whether or not I'm going to go through with it, is another matter, but then again... I don't know if my doubting whether or not I do get another tattoo is how I really feel or if I am just trying to comfort my loved ones, who will read this and worry, into a sense of security about my emotional state that actually might not exist... I don't know.
That's another interesting thing about grief that I've noticed. The person experiencing the grief isn't honest about it because they want to protect those that are concerned with how they, the person experiencing grief, is doing. Sometimes it's easier or more comforting to the person grieving to answer, "I'm fine," when asked how they are doing. It's easier to answer this way because the person grieving knows that an answer like that is more comforting to the one hearing it than the honest answer of, "I feel dead." Because, what are the loved ones supposed to do with an answer like that? Nothing, because it's honesty at it's worst and so they worry which causes more worry and pain to the grieving person. I guess, what I'm trying to say is that, obviously grief is messy for everyone, those actively experiencing the grief and those who are experiencing it through their loved one who is actively experiencing it. Confused yet? I am.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Dear Sweetheart,
Today you are four months old. It was four months ago today that I first held you in my arms and saw your perfect face. You are my joy and my life. You are my rebirth and I love you with my entire soul. Sometimes it hurts, I love you so much, but I wouldn't wish the hurt away if it meant that I would have never known you. Your mother is getting your adoption put together. I love you and I always will, my angelic baby boy.
Sincerely,
your birth mother
Sincerely,
your birth mother
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