A Lesson in Grief Cont.
The second activity that the Rec. Therapist had the team participate in was an hand-tying activity. She had everyone pair up with another person and each person had a piece of twine that they would tie on one of their wrists. Before having your partner tie the other end of your twine on your other wrist, we had to intertwine the two pieces together so that when we stood across from one another, the twine around both our wrists made an "X". My partner and I are standing across from one another, staring at each other, and sheepishly smiling because we've never even spoken to one another and now we are tied up together... awkward. The Rec. Therapist then asked us to seperate from one another. Questions immediately started flying across the room, "Are we allowed to untie the twine from one of our wrists?"
"No" was the reply. "Can we cut the twine with some scissors?" Again the reply was,
"No". Everyone had the same question, we just all asked it at different times whenever the thought occurred to us and we were always answered. Sometimes, we would get sneaky and try to ask the same question in a different way, "Perhaps one of us were to casually (COUGH)-slip the twine off our wrist, is that allowed?" The instructor laughs at our pathetic disguise of the word "slip" and then replies with a stern,
"No, but nice try." Everyone started panicking at this point and people started asking various questions and verbalizing their fears, "Are you sure this can be done?" "Is there really a way out of this?" "How will I ever get free?" "This is impossible." "Crazy therapist is a friggin' sadist. How long have you been a therapist, again? And, do you really help people?" "I give up, I can't do this."
My partner tried manuvering every which way to get us untwined, but each attempt somehow managed to make the situation worse and we were slowly becoming a little too familiar with one another and the distance between us kept getting closer and closer as we were running out of twine. I started panicking because I was tied and felt trapped. We finally gave up and looked, I'm sure, like defeated little puppies staring longingly at the twine just wishing it would magically release it's bond and we could be free... it didn't work, the twine was still on our wrists. My wrists were red from my failed attempts at releasing myself. After staring at our wrists for a while I finally looked at my partner and said, "So, I've been thinking about our situation, and I'm starting to believe that the only way we can be seperated from one another and free is if one of us cut's our arm off... or maybe just our hand at the wrist, there's no need to go crazy and lose an entire arm. The thing we need to figure out now is who will sacrifice their appendage for both of our freedom?" And then we stared at one another and laughed out loud... and then stopped laughing and stared at each other again. She asked a very valid question at that point and it was, "What do you do for work? Does it require both arms?"
I don't know when the inspiration occurred and to whom it occurred to, but someone finally asked the Rec. Therapist, "You are the only one who knows how this is done, can you show us how to do it?" She smiled and said, "I was wondering when that question would be asked, and yes I can show you." She then showed us how to release ourselves from the bond we were in and it was surprisingly simple. Needless to say, everyone started breathing easier once we weren't connected to someone else anymore. I learned a lot about grief from this activity.
We all have the same concerns about grieving and the same questions come up, but we all ask them at different times because the process is different for all of us and we come to similar realizations at different times. Some people in the group considered cheating and just slipping the twine off their wrist, seperating from their partner, and then putting the twine back on the wrist as though they never cheated because, "No one will know that you cheated in the first place". Sneaky and somewhat brilliant, until you come to the realization that you still are bound by the twine with no resolution to the problem of being bound in the first place, so... you are still stuck. You can pretend grief away. You can pretend that you are okay and you can smile at people and laugh and continue on as though there is no problem and you are okay, but you aren't because inside you feel trapped and anxious because you don't know how to get un-stuck. That feeling is maddening, putting up a facade every day so that people think you are okay, and then lying in bed every night with your hands wrapped up so tightly in your hair, trying not to scream out, so you scream in your mind because you are not "fine" and you know it, but "they" don't. The next day at work or school or church, you are the epitome of "grace in hardship". You are still bound, even when you pretend that you are okay.
And then the panic starts to set in, or the helplessness, or the apathy because you are too tired to try anymore. And then you start doubting yourself that you will ever make it out of this one. You start questioning people's motives when they show kindness to you, questioning whether they are sincere or are they just going to hurt you? Eventually, like the conclusion I came to about losing an arm for freedom, you might even start to behave in an uncharacteristic manner and start to be more dangerous in your behaviors and look to other things to "escape" what you are feeling and experiencing. These behaviors and activities may feel like they are solving the problem, but in the long run, they are more detrimental to your healing and can cause more unecessary pain. Shortcuts never work in life. Chopping an arm off so you are no longer bound surely solves the problem of being tied up, but then you have the problem of having to relearn how to make it through life with only one arm, that's a whole new Pandora's Box.
Then one day, when you are at your lowest, you come to the conclusion that you are not "fine". And that's scary, but you recognize that maybe you need to go to someone who knows how to guide you through this process to make it to the other side. It can come in the form of a simple statement to someone you love and who loves you back, "I'm not okay and I haven't been for a while. I don't know how to do this. I think I need help." That statement does not mean you are weak, it means that you are strong because you understand that you can't do this on your own and you need the guidance of someone who understands the process, so you ask for help. All we had to do was ask the Rec. Therapist, "How do I get out of this twine and seperated from my partner?" And she would show us how. It took our group 40 minutes to finally realize that we can ask for help and it would be given. People who are grieving may come to that same conclusion hours after their trauma, or years later. There's nothing wrong with this because the time-line for everyone is different. The important thing is that whatever their trauma is gets resolved and that can take time, but it's in their control how much time it takes.
