Those of you who have been with me for a while know that I lost 2 kittens over the course of 1 summer to the same illness, feline leukemia. And I swore I would never get another cat because I grow so attached to them, more than dogs.
And then my psycho ex-roommate (whom I still wish ill-will towards, and have every right to do because of the Hell she put me through) did the only decent thing in the entire 3 years I knew her, and she picked up an abandoned kitten from the streets and brought it home to me. That was a really long sentence. The post-graduate English major in me feels like I should fix it, but alas...
At least the ex-roommate said the kitten was abandoned. But, truthfully, I've often wondered if she just stole it from someone because she was that kind of thieving, pathological lying, ruthless, and scheming type of human. And if that is the case, to whomever loved that kitten, please know that she has been spoiled so much and will continue to be because she deserves nothing less.
Lots of digression. The point. That little creature I so lovingly call gremlin got sick this week, and it was really scary. It started on Wednesday and by Thursday she was at the vet having a procedure done. It wasn't as serious as it could have gotten, but had my husband and I not caught the signs when we did, it could have advanced and become more serious. The smaller the pet, the faster illness can advance.
She is now in a cone of shame until next Saturday, like, a week from tomorrow. She is not happy about it, and I'm obsessing over whether or not she's urinated enough during the day, or eliminated waste, or drinking enough and eating enough. Is she depressed or is it the antibiotic doing its work? Like, I literally help her to the litter box because she her spatial awareness is bogus with the cone on. She runs into walls. She peed on the floor thinking she was in the box, but her bummers was hanging over the ledge. So now I position her. Yep. She's having a rough time and I'm obsessing.
Trauma is weird because it's been 11 years since those 2 little kittens died really tragically and it might as well have been yesterday because the moment my little stinker showed signs that she wasn't well, I became emotionally not well. The smallest trigger can throw us right back to a place we never wanted to be again. And it's like, how do you function? I had to keep working. I had to keep sleeping, but every sound she made at night, I was at her little bed checking on her.
Here's the thing with pets, and I know not everyone obsesses over their pets like I might. But ever since I was a little girl the 1 absolute truth I knew is that pets are good, there is no bad in them. I've thought a lot about that over the years and I've experienced so many lives in my lifetime, so many heartaches that have taught me strength and love, and so many betrayals that have taught me to share my love and empathy cautiously (which I truly feel is an unfortunate lesson that so many of us have had to learn).
Animals, by nature, do not perceive good or bad. They understand survival. When they lash out to protect themselves it's not with retributive ill-intent because they are incapable of that ideology. Now, this doesn't mean that they are incapable of feeling emotions because they totally can. But to purposefully harm someone is not something they seek to do. Unlike so many humans.
So, when she is sick, the world isn't right in my heart. She is the "goodest" thing I've known outside of my family and my husband and a few select friends.
I honestly don't know where this post is going because it's all jam in my head, but I just spent 5 minutes feeding my cat from a cup because her cone makes it difficult for her to drink/eat from her food bowls. And I would do this the rest of my life because there is no ill in her. But, I can't say that there are certain people I will ever forgive because of my experiences with them. And those same people have claimed they will change, but proved they are incapable of truth and good. And I've cut them from my life because people design their own machinations and carry out deeds for self-serving purposes. Not every human is bad, it's true. But, every human is capable of bad. It's a matter of a single choice.
Did you know that the action of making a choice is centered in our pre-frontal cortex and hippocampus? The prefrontal cortex is where our self-perception and identity is created. It's major functions include focusing of attention, anticipating events, impulse control, managing our emotional reactions and predicting the consequences of our actions. It's capable of doing this because it's where our memory is stored as well, but memory is tricky because memory is created based on our comprehension of the occurring events at that time. A 5-year old, 15-year old, and 25-year old could share the same experience and remember it drastically differently 10 years after the fact. But, regardless of the purity of the memory, that memory is stored in our pre-frontal cortex and it shapes our self-perception and how we perceive things moving forward and our actions/choices.
What does any of this mean? There's meaning in it all somewhere. It means that a psycho ex-roommate could willingly justify stealing a kitten from someone to give to their roommate (me) as a way to sway things in their (psycho ex-roommate's) favor because they owe that roommate (me) over $10,000. And then months later when that roommate (me) decides to get an officer of the peace to come over so I can feel safe gathering my things to escape a situation that was absolutely horrific to the point that I still haven't fully processed it all, the psycho ex-roommate can claim to deduct $200 from the $10,000+ they owe me. Because -- get this -- it turns out, they adopted the kitten from a shelter, paid the vet checkup bills, and bought the initial bedding, etc. Because they are a pathological liar and they suck as a human. Their collective choices throughout their life resulted in deceit, willful harm and betrayal to others to benefit themselves, illicit and illegal activities to monetarily benefit themselves, and exploitation of those around them in order to maintain power and control. And because they suck so bad as a human, it's easy to cut them from your life and then pray that karma will expose them for who they are and bring social destruction to their life.
But pets. They don't have any of that cruel capability. So, it's easy to love them unconditionally and it's so sad when they hurt and aren't well because they literally deserve only the best in life. That's why they are so easy to care for and love.
All I'm trying to say is I hate me ex-roommate and probably always will. And I'm content with that.
And I absolutely love my cat and will always provide her with the best and the most empathetic love.
And trauma, once experienced (whether the loss of a pet, an ex-roommate who exploited you in every possible way, or whatever the trauma is), has a really obnoxious way of resurfacing. But, it will also soften with time. I believe this because I know this because I've lived this. Does it make us more discerning and cautious? Yes. Is that an unfortunate price for an important life lesson? Maybe. Still trying to sort that one out. I'd love to know your thoughts on the matter.
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