I've been on a mission the last little while to understand vulnerability. It's something I've all felt countless times in my life and that I believe is absolutely necessary in growing lasting relationships. But, it can also be devastating when shared inappropriately. So, where is the balance? And what does this have to do with the Year of Pink? Hopefully, that will all come across in the post below. This is a bit of a free-write for me.
Another word I think of synonymous with vulnerability is victimization. For a long time I couldn't separate these two very different words. I think that there is a chronic error in society today that confuses what vulnerability is and how it should be expressed. With social network sites like Facebook, it's easy to have complete transparency to your life, especially with GPS in smartphones, every movement you make can be closely monitored. And the over-sharing information is shockingly accepted.
I know that in terms of my own life experiences, I have historically opened myself up (making myself vulnerable) to unnecessary hurt because I thought that by trusting [enter multiple names here] without knowing much about them and taking them for face-value, I would get on a "real level" with the other person. That's a huge oversight. That's the way I thought relationships were supposed to happen. I recognize now that I opened myself up without completely understanding of the true intentions of others. I was really naive. And it hurt, a lot. And it's a cycle, folks. I did this over and over and over again, not fully understanding the hurt that my own actions were causing me. And because I didn't see my "part" in any of it, I started to believe that maybe it wasn't worth it to trust people, because horrible things kept happening to me. And for a really long time, I was in this emotional place where I just thought that the problem was everyone else's. "Why would [enter multiple names here] treat me like that? I would never treat someone like that. Why does this keep happening to me?" I was a victim. Granted, I'm not taking full responsibility for the hurt I've felt at the hands of others, rather I'm taking owning my responsibility. I was victimizing myself. And nothing was changing.
About a month ago (Warning: I am a horrible gauger [is that even a word?] of time) I hung out with this guy. He's a protector in the world. He protects people and upholds the law. I was hanging out with him and when it was time to say goodbye, I got really weird. Up until it was time to say goodbye, I was absolutely fine. I think I might have even been funny and engaging. Then we were walking to our cars and I shut down. I couldn't even look him in the eyes. My eyes were watering and I couldn't say a word. And I started thinking of all the men who had, in the words of Rosemary Clooney, "done me wrong." He had nothing to do with them. He's nothing like them. He's decent and smart, and intuitive, and, overall, a stellar human being. He noticed my weirdness. He was trying to keep conversation going and I was uttering one-word responses. We were at our cars and he told me, "I need you to give me a hug." And I wanted to give him a hug. So, I did. It was a great hug. I say that because it's on my list of "great hugs", it's one of four other memorable hugs. I may be a list-addict at heart, I heart list-making.
That hug has stayed with me ever since. He and I still talk. I consider him a dear friend. And I have a huge crush on him, but what's a girl to do in today's skiwampus world of dating? Until I figure that out, he's a friend. I got in my car and I drove away and I wanted to cry. But I didn't know why. All I knew is that I felt unbelievably vulnerable, only he did nothing to make me feel that way. So, why was I feeling that way? I think this is where I hope that all my ideas converge into one really great, "ah-ha" moment for you dear readers, as they have for me. As usual, it's hard to articulate the "ah-ha".
The way I felt had nothing to do with him. It had everything to do with the men I've allowed into my life and to whom I willingly opened myself up to being vulnerable to, without knowing their true nature. That feeling had everything to do with me keeping myself in a place that I no longer wanted to be. Honestly, it was a new experience for me to hang out with a guy who is decent and kind. It was such a contrast to what I've known in my dating life up until that moment. And that moment of, "this is so nice," converged so abruptly with memories of when I wasn't treated well, that it was shocking. And overwhelming.
So, where is the balance between "vulnerable" and "victim"? I don't have that answer. I'm still learning it. But, what I do know, is that you don't just trust blindly. Vulnerability is opening yourself up to being emotionally wounded. It's taking a chance on something, knowing very well how much it could hurt, but also hoping for how much good it could bring to your life. I guess it's a gamble, but even gambling is all about numbers and odds, so you don't go into it completely blind. And maybe that's how you gauge your vulnerability, you don't share it until you are absolutely certain that the odds are greater in your favor that the person you want to open yourself up to and get to know won't hurt you. I just heard a giant and collective, "duh!" I know, it's such an obvious thing! Don't follow virtue blindly, check. But, for some reason, I didn't know I was believing without seeing until very recently.
Vulnerability is Pink. The more I think about it, the more I realize that just as pink is a mixture of white and red, two very opposing colors, I believe vulnerability is the mixture of knowing when to yield (white) some of your control and put some trust in someone and when to fiercely protect (red) your heart from a person. This is my year of pink.
