“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.”― Gilda Radner
I love this quote by Gilda Radner. It reminds me of the quote by Woody Allen, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." I think that's what makes change so hard to digest is because it involves letting go of what it is you wanted and worked towards for so long. As a child you are told to dream big and never lose sight of what it is you want in life. And then you get older and you realize that you actually have control over whether or not the dreams you had as a child are ones you want to pursue, or if you want to pursue something else.
Whatever it is you decide to go after, you pursue it with a passion that would be exhausting, but for how badly you want the end goal. And then something completely not in your control gets added in to it all. A situation might happen that changes everything, or worst of all... someone else has their own agency to make decisions on how they want their life to go. For a while, you both might have been on the same path, and then one day... you don't even recognize each other anymore because you don't even want the same things anymore. And everything changes and you realize that you can't control them and you don't have to let them control you. So, the only thing left to do is adapt.
You might try to adapt to their idea and their goal, but the only problem with that is that you lose yourself. Adapting is not about redeclaring a new identity. Adapting is about making what's changed, work... for you. And that's life. I have this picture in my head of how beautifully everything can fall in to place if people... a person would only see it my way... but this person feels the same way. So, what do we do? I don't know. The only thing that we can do is come to terms with the fact that our poem no longer rhymes and that can be uncomfortable and difficult for the reader. And though this part of the story still doesn't feel like the end for me, it's hard to see where it could possibly go from here. And I deeply love the characters in this story, but they are both too hard headed to see an agreement in the end, wherever the end is. So, all that is left to be done is to accept the change, embrace it, and hope that it makes you a better person for living it. You may not know where it's going to lead you, but it will lead you somewhere, and you still have some control over how willingly you are to let it take you where you're meant to go. Who knows what could possibly come from it? And that's what is scary.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
The Purpose of Life is to Love
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Dear Readers,
I have been so absent this year. It's been a year full of change and adaptation; I wish I would have documented it more. I've been reflecting on this past year a lot lately. My hope for this past year, 2011, was that it would be one of bravery and a passion for living. I'm going to be open and honest and some of this I am ashamed to admit, but I've learned so much from 2011, that I can't not share my life-lessons with you.
I did a lot of living this year; wild living. I began to drink this past year. My secret is already out to some members of my family, which is why I feel safe to discuss this on here. And, before I go any further, I need you to understand that this post is not condoning wild living. The most important way to live your life is a life lived by your moral code. I drank a lot this year and that's never been a part of my moral code.
My drinking started 1 year ago, Christmas Eve. I did it because I wanted to know what it was like to feel uninhibited for one moment. I did it because I wanted to know what it would feel like to live outisde my head for one moment. It was my plan to only do it once, but that once turned in to many times. And each time, for a brief moment, I lived outside my head and then I would feel sick and depressed and vow to never do it again, only to do it again. I haven't had a drink since Halloween night and I'm not going to. Luckily for me, I did not become addicted to it. That's saying a lot, because extended family members of mine are alcoholics and I do have an addictive personality, so I am very lucky.
I thought that drinking like this was living boldly and that's stupid thinking. I lost myself. It started out innocently as something I wanted to experience, and then it turned in to an emotional thing. When I say that, I mean, I wanted to drink when things were bad, or I wanted to drink as a social activity. Beyond all of that, I wanted to drink because I thought that someone I had in my life thought I was boring and judgemental without drinking. What started out as an innocent curiosity turned into something consuming of my identity. I don't blame my actions on anyone else. I just wish I had truly been courageous and brave in taking a stand for myself and realizing that I'm good enough without drinking.
To end the year bravely, I am confessing to you all a weakness I still have. I still don't trust my goodness and my value. I still allow other people to persuade me to do things I would never have otherwise sought out to do on my own and the shame of all this is within me because I allowed the persuassion. I take ownership of that.
Having said that, a few things I've learned about myself this year are that I am determined. I don't give up. I may have let go of some people in my life, but there is a difference in letting go and giving up. Letting go inspires moving on and adapting. Giving up is just that, being defeated. I don't give up and I've learned that it's okay to let go. Letting go hurts because it's new and you are letting go of something that- for a long time- inspired you and made you want to be a better person, but eventually was hurtful in the end. This is a fact of life. The things that inspire you the most can possibly, at some point, be detrimental to your growth.
I've learned that hope is faith and I still have hope. Regardless of everything I've seen and faced and lived in my life, I still have hope. Hope is survival. Hope is a precious gift. Whether it's hope in a Deity, or it's hope in the coming morning, hope is faith that things will sort themselves out and not hurt as much anymore. I live for hope. I've recently suffered a sorrow and am still coping with it... and as much as I want to close up and hide my heart and let it become cold and indestructable, like some people believe it already is... I choose not to become hard and calloused. I choose to still open my heart to those I know and those I will eventually meet. And I'm not just talking about romantic love... that's not the only love you open yourself up to be vulnerable to. Friendships, family members, strangers that are having a hard day... there are many different ways to make yourself vulnerable, but it's necessary because it's human.
There are more lessons I've learned this year and they are coming up in later posts, but I wanted to end by saying that it is my belief that our entire purpose in this life is to love. I'm not perfect in this. I've done and said many hurtful things to the people I love the most, but I also understand that accountability for pain needs to be taken on all sides. No one person is capable of causing all the sorrow and damage of heartache and loss... it takes multiple people to contibute to loss and pain. Regardless of this, I still choose to love because that's why I'm here. I'm here to love.
Dear Readers,
I have been so absent this year. It's been a year full of change and adaptation; I wish I would have documented it more. I've been reflecting on this past year a lot lately. My hope for this past year, 2011, was that it would be one of bravery and a passion for living. I'm going to be open and honest and some of this I am ashamed to admit, but I've learned so much from 2011, that I can't not share my life-lessons with you.
I did a lot of living this year; wild living. I began to drink this past year. My secret is already out to some members of my family, which is why I feel safe to discuss this on here. And, before I go any further, I need you to understand that this post is not condoning wild living. The most important way to live your life is a life lived by your moral code. I drank a lot this year and that's never been a part of my moral code.
My drinking started 1 year ago, Christmas Eve. I did it because I wanted to know what it was like to feel uninhibited for one moment. I did it because I wanted to know what it would feel like to live outisde my head for one moment. It was my plan to only do it once, but that once turned in to many times. And each time, for a brief moment, I lived outside my head and then I would feel sick and depressed and vow to never do it again, only to do it again. I haven't had a drink since Halloween night and I'm not going to. Luckily for me, I did not become addicted to it. That's saying a lot, because extended family members of mine are alcoholics and I do have an addictive personality, so I am very lucky.
I thought that drinking like this was living boldly and that's stupid thinking. I lost myself. It started out innocently as something I wanted to experience, and then it turned in to an emotional thing. When I say that, I mean, I wanted to drink when things were bad, or I wanted to drink as a social activity. Beyond all of that, I wanted to drink because I thought that someone I had in my life thought I was boring and judgemental without drinking. What started out as an innocent curiosity turned into something consuming of my identity. I don't blame my actions on anyone else. I just wish I had truly been courageous and brave in taking a stand for myself and realizing that I'm good enough without drinking.
To end the year bravely, I am confessing to you all a weakness I still have. I still don't trust my goodness and my value. I still allow other people to persuade me to do things I would never have otherwise sought out to do on my own and the shame of all this is within me because I allowed the persuassion. I take ownership of that.
Having said that, a few things I've learned about myself this year are that I am determined. I don't give up. I may have let go of some people in my life, but there is a difference in letting go and giving up. Letting go inspires moving on and adapting. Giving up is just that, being defeated. I don't give up and I've learned that it's okay to let go. Letting go hurts because it's new and you are letting go of something that- for a long time- inspired you and made you want to be a better person, but eventually was hurtful in the end. This is a fact of life. The things that inspire you the most can possibly, at some point, be detrimental to your growth.
I've learned that hope is faith and I still have hope. Regardless of everything I've seen and faced and lived in my life, I still have hope. Hope is survival. Hope is a precious gift. Whether it's hope in a Deity, or it's hope in the coming morning, hope is faith that things will sort themselves out and not hurt as much anymore. I live for hope. I've recently suffered a sorrow and am still coping with it... and as much as I want to close up and hide my heart and let it become cold and indestructable, like some people believe it already is... I choose not to become hard and calloused. I choose to still open my heart to those I know and those I will eventually meet. And I'm not just talking about romantic love... that's not the only love you open yourself up to be vulnerable to. Friendships, family members, strangers that are having a hard day... there are many different ways to make yourself vulnerable, but it's necessary because it's human.
There are more lessons I've learned this year and they are coming up in later posts, but I wanted to end by saying that it is my belief that our entire purpose in this life is to love. I'm not perfect in this. I've done and said many hurtful things to the people I love the most, but I also understand that accountability for pain needs to be taken on all sides. No one person is capable of causing all the sorrow and damage of heartache and loss... it takes multiple people to contibute to loss and pain. Regardless of this, I still choose to love because that's why I'm here. I'm here to love.
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