The Danger of "What-if?"

I have never purposefully written a blog post about something that I disagree with in the conversation of adoption, but I'm going to now because I don't understand the logic behind this particular conversation.  I'm not going to say who posed this question/conversation because I don't want to start a fight but I feel it is important to try to address it with a sense of balance.  Someone posed the true of false question/statement: "I gave my child a different life, not necessarily a better one."  This thought has "what-if" written all over it.  

Is there a difference?  When I chose to place Baby Boy for adoption it was because at that time in my life, I had no way to provide for the both of us, therefore we would both go severely without.  That wouldn't be fair to him.  That's not to say that he didn't provide some much needed perspective for me at that time in my life when I was severely faltering around.  I lost sight of my future.  And then I found out I was pregnant and all the realizations hit me that there was no way I could provide for my son, let alone myself.  And so I had to face the hard music and I had to look at other options.  I started looking for parents who had their lives together and who were in a time in their lives where they could build a family and provide for that family.  This to me, seemed like the best/better life for my child.  And it was a different life from the one I could provide him.

This conversation continued about better vs. different and the person I was communicating with said that had someone told them at the time that they were considering placing their child for adoption that they would (in time) be in a position where they could financially afford their child and parent them, then they wouldn't have made the decision to place their child for adoption.

(cricket chirp)

Is it just me, or does that seem... I'm sorry, I am frustrated.  Duh.  If I had a magical ball or an oracle that could tell my future and it determined that I would be in a position to raise my child and not have to worry about the finances associated with raising a child and that everything would work out perfectly in time, but the first couple or four years would be really rough, then I STILL wouldn't change my decision.  Because at the time that I was struggling to do what was best for him, I would NEVER put him in a position where he would go without basic necessities for any period of time.  When I made the decision to place my child for adoption it was to offer him a different and better life than what I could offer him then, at that time.  

This isn't a question that pertains to both the present and the future at the same time.  You cannot consider this question retrospectively.  Retrospectively, if I were to consider this question, he wouldn't have a better life now whether he was with me or not.  He only knows one life, and that's the life he has.  If he had stayed with me, we would have still been struggling, and for another 2 years we would be struggling.  He would be in daycare majority of the day and majority of my monthly bring home would be paying for that daycare.  I wouldn't see him that much of the day.  His first words would be in a daycare, his first steps would be in a daycare, and he would probably have attachment issues.  The life he knows now, he has a mother who is a stay at home mom for majority of the week.  He has a father whom he adores.  He has siblings whom he loves and they love him and they are the best of friends.  He doesn't have a different life.  He has only one life and it's the one he knows and is attached to.  It's his identity.  The only way I could answer that question retrospectively is if he were to be removed from that life and put with me to experience whether or not his life is truly different or better.  Do you see what I'm saying?  

Does this mean that I don't miss him?  No.  I'm happy for him and I miss him every day of my life.  I miss him.  I love him.  I wish he was with me, but I also know that what I did was the best for him.  I will never second guess that.  The "what-if's" of life destroy.  They are meant to maim and render a person invisible and paralyzed by scenarios that don't even exist.  "My" child is safe.  He is happy.  He is loved.  He loves.  He is secure.  He has a stable home life.  He has an infectious laugh and a smile that makes you wonder what he's been doing that he's not supposed to be doing.  If that different?  No, it's what he knows.

If you are in a position where you are considering adoption for your child, commit to your decision.  Educate yourself on your options.  And never question, "what-if?" once you've made your decision.  We are in a place in history where adoption is open and that's exciting.  Do not let anyone make you feel less important than anyone else.  You are the most important person in your child's life while you are pregnant with them because you are their advocate.  You are their voice.  Whatever decision you make, make sure you are dedicated and alright with it and don't make one until you are educated on the alternative.  You have power, you have a voice, it is your decision.  The time for "what-if?" is when you are considering the future, not when you are considering the past.