Today I'm getting spiritual. I don't think it necessary to declare the religion I associate myself with because it doesn't matter. God is God and he loves his creations. Whether you are Buddhist, Wiccan, Catholic, Baptist, Vegetarian... a Lawyer... we all believe in something bigger than us and whether you worship a llama, a cow, life as life, a fierce God, a loving God, a God-like father, nature, or money, that thing that you believe in that is bigger than yourself, it makes you strive for something more.
I am Christian. I am a Christian who has a close relationship with nature and loves open spaces. What does that have to do with anything? I don't know, I just thought I would share that with you. Where I'm going with this post is I've been feeling like I need to post a blog, but every time I've logged in to do so... I sit at my keyboard for a portion of time and my mind is blank. I just sit here, hands poised upon my keyboard, staring at the screen... and nothing. Absolutely nothing. So, I thought that instead of setting out to write something inspiring and world-changing, that I would just let you all know what's going on in my life.
I'm attending a group alongside my personal therapy and in my group, a thought has been shared a couple of times by the facilitator that I wanted to share here. It's been the one thing that has been primary on my mind lately. She was quoting another source, which I can't remember, but she said, "Sometimes we confuse who we are with where we are." That's a pretty profound thought to me. I think the "where" in this quote can be reflected on in different ways. When I initially heard her say this a couple of weeks ago, my initial thought was that I feel like I'm in this "blah" kind of place. I've lost a lot of motivation in certain places, and yet I'm completely motivated in others. "Where" can be emotional, it can be physical, it can be mental, it can be cosmic... it can be spiritual. This begs the question, "Where am I in these places?"
--Emotional: I'm a bit hurt. I'm a bit gun-shy... "gun" meaning shy of trying anything new and "shy" meaning, scared crapless. How is that for eloquence? I'm angry in one emotional sphere, and hopeful in another, and the common thread between those two places is that I'm ridiculously cautious in moving forward. But, frightened is not who I am. And that's the point. I look back at the experiences I've had and not once to I see a frightened girl-child, but instead I see a determined woman who will see "it" (the experience) through and she does it with a grace and strength that I've never claimed as my own before. So, while I'm gun-shy at life, I am determined to follow through with what is important to me and I will not give up until I find resolve and peace.
--Physical: This is the main part of the "blahness" I've felt. I've lost a lot of motivation in my personal weight loss. Having said that though, looking back on my previous attempts, I don't know that the desired outcome was one I truly believed in. Part of that lack of faith in myself and my desired outcome was not for the lack of constant support I received from people in my life, but it was in my not believing in myself, and my confusing who I am with where I am, "where" being this belief that I was undesirable if I didn't "fit" a certain mold, and that mold varied depending on whom I spoke with, but I feel like I finally have a better grip on who I am for me. This is what I know: I am here. I am alive. I am strong. And that's enough. The fact that I exist is enough to be enough. I hope that makes sense. Where am I? I'm in a world where sexiness is defined in rather unhealthy proportions, whether that is physical proportion, or mental/emotional/social/spiritual proportions. Who am I? A girl who finally realizes that I don't have to be 120 pounds to be taken seriously as an active and valuable part of this Universe. The fact that I exist is remarkable in it's own right. Who I am is a woman deserving of happiness and a long life of health and joy.
-Mental: this used to be a scary realm for me. It was very muddles and confused. I think the mental and the emotional are twin cousins... yes, twin cousins, they are immediately related, while still maintaining complete autonomy from one another. I've kind of talked about this before, but the best way I can summarize it is where I was was confusion and a need to be what other's wanted me to be, at the sake of not becoming who I know that I am. I am beautiful. I talk about things that are difficult to talk about. I can relate to any kind of person because my mission in life is to love and promote love... not physical love, but that kind of love that is unconditional. I get it, some of my decisions frighten others, but I wouldn't be who I am without having taken any of the risks I've taken, and I wouldn't change them for the world because I know more about love than a lot of people claim they know. That battle- that confusion of being told that you are wrong in who you are and the way you live your life- that alone is confusing where you are with who you are. I see complicated and worthwhile where other's only see bad. I see something deserving of a second, or third, or fourth to tenth glance, where other's only see something not worthy of time. Because of this, the way I see things, I've been told for the longest time where I can make better decisions, and how to better live in accordance with the ideals of those telling me I'm doing "it" (life, my life) wrong. And for the longest time I thought something was innately wrong with me. Do you know what the definition of innate is? It is "belonging to the essential nature of something." Essentially, it is something that is natural to the thing it belongs to, so in context to what I just stated, for the longest time I thought that I was made of only wrong. Where am I? I'm in a world where perceptions rule and each perception is as unique as the person viewing it. Who am I? A loving human being who believes that life and love are worthy of taking risks, and what other's deem as a risk, is only viewed as a opportunity to me.
--Cosmic: Where am I? Earth, one of potentially billions planets that can sustain life. Who am I? Life worthy of living and so small in comparison to the Universe around me that my actions should not even peak on the radar of people who are concerned with their own existences and living the one life they will ever experience here. I'm not saying I don't believe in life after this place, because I do, I'm saying that we will ever only know this life in this format, in this way, the way we are living it now... once. Only once. So, should not the focus be to live our life for ourselves and the way it feels right to us, instead of how other's believe we should live? It's a s simple question. Rhetorical, even.
--Spiritual: This is where it gets religious-y. Where am I? A place meant to challenge me. A place where I had to come in order to learn the spiritual concepts that only this place could teach me. A place I chose to come when I new how everything would play out... a place I chose to come when I had the spiritual knowledge to know the end from the beginning... I still chose to come here. Who am I? A being much braver than I give myself credit for. A spiritual child who, through my own sorrow and loss and sacrifice, understands my spiritual connection with my Mother-in-Heaven better than I ever thought I could. A person who strives to know everything there is to know about love in it's highest and most noble form... and I chose to learn that here.
It is said that "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God." Knowing this answers a simple but completely necessary question. Who are we? We are souls of great worth. That's easy to forget when we compare who we are to where we are, and there is a major difference. You can never do enough to change a core feeling about yourself that has been embedded in you for who knows how long. We literally have to retrain our thought patterns that feed our core beliefs. And this retraining has to happen with every breath. With every breath we have to remind ourselves of who we are, and not base who we are with what is currently going wrong in our lives, which is the where. That's hard, but nothing worth having is easy. I'm an awesome lady. I have a lot of love to give and who I am is a lot better than what my current hardships cause me to believe I am. And that's something worth remembering every second.
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