It's Been a While

I feel bad that I haven't written for a while.  Things have been really busy for me.  A new semester started and I am in a Creative Non-fiction writing class, an Intermediate Poetry writing class, and an Intermediate Algebra class.  The combination of these classes means that I barely have time to sleep.  Also, I am tutoring 5th graders in reading at a local elementary school.  I'm trying to get other areas of my life in order as well, and so I've just had a lot of different things competing for my time.  What I've realized is that I need to include making time for writing on this blog, because this blog is an outlet for me.  It's a way for me to connect with people I care about and who care about open adoption.  My lack of writing doesn't mean that I haven't been thinking a lot about what I would write about.  And as usual, what I want to write about is hard to explain, but I will definitely try my hardest to say it.

My poetry class and my creative non-fiction class have really pushed my limits as far as writing and the construct behind writing.  I've always felt like I was an "okay" writer of poetry, but this class has shown me that... there is a lot I didn't know.  Ironically enough, I was more worried about going in to my creative non-fiction class because I didn't know what it would involve (this genre of writing is hard to define, therefore my hesitancy), but it's proven to be the class I am doing best in.  As for math... I have nothing pleasant to say about it.

The semester is officially half-way over.  And for the 8 weeks that have passed, I have been living in the land of memory because I've had to write a personal essay that was just critiqued in front of my entire class 2 days ago.  Not all of it has been pleasant.  For the next 7 weeks, I will continue residing in the land of memory, because I have another entire-class critique the week before finals.

I've been dealing with some other things on top of the stress of this semester.  Something I haven't written about that I am going to mention right now is that back in April of this year I decided to separate ways with my family.  I'm not going to go into the details of this decision on here, but I feel like it is necessary to let you all know because you all have been an important part in my growth and healing after placement, and honesty is important.

Simply put, this year has been hard.  The decision I made in April, I made because I felt like I was disappearing.  I can't describe that feeling.  I was caught up in so many people's extreme emotions and I was trying to make it all better for everyone involved, and what it was doing to me was erasing me.  It was at this time that I started considering that maybe I had a severe mental health disease because I didn't trust anyone, especially myself.  So, I did something for myself.  I shut myself off from all the confusion and I have been working through the confusion ever since.

I've been sorting through the confusion of my life and I'm better for it.  For as hard as this year has been for me, I'm grateful for it.  When you have people from every angle whispering insecurity in you and you lose your voice amidst all of the anger, that's when you begin to disappear.  I cut off all the noise and I'm better for it.  I'm more at peace with myself.  I'm more secure in myself.  I'm happier.  I think that's hard for certain people to hear because they don't want to believe it, but it's true.  I have a focused idea of where I want my life to go now and it's not competing with the whispers of everyone else.  Sometimes I still hear echoes of the whispers because of the actions of others' and how they are still affecting my life in an attempt to gain control, but I know how to ignore them now, and I'm better off for it.  Those people know who they are and I know how reading this post may make them feel, but that's not my problem anymore; it belongs with them.

I've been afraid to blog because everything I do right now is being analyzed by people who I really don't want to have contact with anymore.  But, this is my blog.  And these are my feelings.  And I will not stop expressing them.

On that note, I'd like to share a poem I came across that I've been thinking about over the course of this semester so far.  It is by Wislawa Szymborska who just recently passed away.  She is a woman of Polish descent who survived the Holocaust.  She has a beautiful way of expressing vulnerability and strength at the same time and I appreciate her poetry for that reason.  Enjoy.  The meaning is left up to you, that's the beauty of poetry (it is something for everyone); I already know what it means to me.

Under One Small Star

My apologies to change for calling it necessity.
My apologies to necessity if I'm mistaken, after all.
Please, don't be angry, happiness, that I take you as my due.
May my dead be patient with the way my memories fade.
My apologies to time for all the world I overlook each second.
My apologies to past loves for thinking that the latest is the first.
Forgive me, distant wars, for bringing flowers home.
Forgive me, open wounds, for pricking my finger.
I apologize for my record of minuets to those who cry from the depths.
I apologize to those who wait in railway stations for being asleep today at five a.m.
Pardon me, hounded hope, for laughing from time to time.
Pardon me, deserts, that I don't rush to you bearing a spoonful of water.
And you, falcon, unchanging year after year, always in the same cage, 
your gaze always fixed on the same point in space, 
forgive me, even if it turns out you were stuffed.
My apologies to the felled tree for the table's four legs.
My apologies to great questions for small answers.
Truth, please don't pay me much attention.
Dignity, please be magnanimous.
Bear with me, O mystery of existence, as I pluck the occasional thread from your train.
Soul, don't take offense that I've only got you now and then.
My apologies to everything that I can't be everywhere at once.
My apologies to everyone that I can't be each woman and each man.
I know I won't be justified as long as I live,
since I myself stand in my own way.
Don't bear me ill will, speech, that I borrow weighty words,
the labor heavily so that they may seem light.

-Wislawa Szymborska

"Strive to be Happy"

Something is brewing in me that I've wanted to write about the last few weeks, but I need to let it steep for a little longer so I know how to express it.  Let me start off by saying that my heart is so full right now.  I am in such a great place right now, emotionally speaking.  That's not to say that things aren't difficult right now, just I'm at a place where I've never been before; a place where I am learning how to separate myself in a good way from the stress.  I still experience the stress, but it doesn't become me.  


I have this friend named Chris.  I've known him since I was in middle-school.  He's a chill dude.  He's the one who got me curious about looking into Buddhism, which I've only dabbled in the research really.  Today, out of the blue- I haven't talked to him for a long while- Chris sent me an e-mail on my Facebook.  He said, "One of my favorite poems... thought I'd share."  The poem that he sent me is below.  


As I read the poem, my eyes began to water and my heart began to pound in the way when you are inspired.  And it's made me think about where I am right now... this place that I'm in now where I am starting to recognize myself, this girl who is no longer a girl-child, but a woman, and someone I've been wanting to meet for a while now.  In this woman there are glimpses of me and who I used to be and there are glimpses of the woman I want to be and am becoming... and it's awesome.  It's amazing how you can find yourself when you are no longer hiding from everyone.  It's amazing how you become who you are naturally to become when you set the boundaries in your life that need to be set so that you have a chance to live and live in a way that is your creation and not just what makes everyone around you feel comfortable. That life- living for other's- it's not a life, it creates insanity.  


For a long time I've been in a haze... since before Baby Boy was conceived... I was floundering and trying to find that balance between who I felt/feel I was/am and the person that other people wanted me to be.  I can't even describe to you the kind of crazy that living that way built up in me.  I can't begin to describe to you the kind of distrust that living that way nurtured in me.  I can't begin to explain to you how lost I've been... and now, the haze is clearing... and I don't feel crazy anymore and that's... joyous.  It's scary when you feel like you are slowly going insane, only you have to hide it.  And now, I'm seeing life more clearly and it's beautiful.  And I'm calm for the first time in so many years... I'm talking more than a decade here in terms of the years I'm talking about.  


The poem below expresses this calm that I'm talking about.  The poem below expresses the quiet truth that is building in me and replacing the distrust.  It describes the soft pride and honor that I feel is replacing the crazy that scared me for so long.  The poem below describes the connection with the earth that I feel... the sense of grounding I feel now, where in it's place I was once a gypsy just floating from place to place, both emotionally and physically, all the while looking for my heart and that place where I hoped to feel whole.  I am "a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars" and I "have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to [me], no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."  The power in that acceptance is unreal and yet so completely real and honest in it's truth.  And that truth leads to a delicately secure trust that I can let things happen as they will and make my choices based upon my truth and in that peace, all the sorrow and let-downs of the world remain quieter than they have in years; they are no longer the focus, rather the background noise to the aspirations of my soul which will not lead me astray because they are good and honest and in that is joy.  What I've learned?  Our hearts are not found in other places, they are found within our self acceptance.  That's not to say you won't come across people and places that you feel so completely soul-compatible with because our nature as human beings is to connect and love and allow ourselves to be loved.  What I'm saying and what I finally understand is that... you and I won't find that until we find ourselves and our love and acceptance for ourselves.  I finally get it.  Better yet, for the first time in my life, accomplishing that feels totally doable.  Enjoy the poem.  I did.



Desiderata
by Max Ehrmann


Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Semester Final Grades

This semester was a difficult one.  I promise you that you will hear me say that probably every semester.  Besides the difficulty of upper level literature classes, I've also experienced a lot of changes in my personal life and it's just been a heck of long and difficult semester.

I think I've probably written about finals already, so I won't bore you with the details again.  But, final grades were issued yesterday and I wanted to let you know how it all turned out.  I ended up with a 3.60 GPA this semester, it's not a 4.0 like last semester, but I'll keep it all the same.  I ended up with a final grade of an "A" for my Romantic British Literature class and my Contemporary American Literature class.  And (drum roll please), I pulled off a "B" for my final grade in math!  Heck yes I did!

Seriously, my literature classes this semester demanded majority of my study time and I bombed my last chapter test in math and I wasn't able to dedicate much time to studying for my math final because all my time was wrapped up in researching for my final papers for both literature classes.  So, I am proud of that math grade.  I left that final feeling comfortably confident but nervous because I was confident, if that makes any sense at all, haha.  But it's done.

I've decided not to take any classes this summer and to focus on myself and some things I want to work on for me and a future I'm pursuing.  This first year back to school after about a 6 year absence was intense but I've learned so much and I've loved it, even when I didn't love it.  I'm looking forward to progressing more and more into the English major and relating to the literature that will be exposed to me.  I'm proud of myself.  With all the personal stuff that's gone on since I enrolled in Fall 2011, I've still managed to maintain a great GPA.

Going back to school has taught me how strong I am and how smart I am.  I've always known I was a quick witted person, but I would never have ventured to call myself smart... that's horrible to say, but it's something inside of me that I need to resolve and it's the truth.  I've learned this semester especially that I have a lot that needs to be said and people want to hear it and the things that I have inside me are worthwhile and relate-able and that I have a special way in which to communicate them.  I learned this semester that people want to hear my input.  My literature classes were discussion classes.  That's all we did was discuss the texts.  We would have an occasional pop-quiz, but primarily we heavily discussed the texts we read.  And a lot of the British Lit. was above and beyond easy comprehension, and the American Lit. texts were all from a Latin-American perspective and so these texts required a lot of me to relate and attempt a vague understanding of them.  What I'm trying to say is that they were intimidating texts to discuss and I was scared at first to offer input, but the more I did, the more people would tell me that they appreciate my perspective and the view-points I brought to class, and that my comments helped them relate to the texts in a deeper way having heard my perspective of the text.  That meant a lot to me; to be heard and recognized for what I had to say and wanted to say.

This has been an insanely intense year at University, but I did it and I did it successfully.  So much inner strength comes for that statement.  I didn't just survive these semesters, I thrived, and I found a voice that has been quiet inside of me for my entire life and I found a way to communicate it.  That is so... liberating.  I am grateful for all that I learned in these last 2 semesters, specifically the one that just ended.  I'm looking forward to returning to school in the Fall.  I thank you all for taking interest in what I have to say and for sharing your thoughts with me.  Thank you.

The Act of Meditation

I wanted to take a minute to talk to you all about meditation.  I know it all sounds horribly froo-froo, but for me it has been illuminating.  I used to think that the mind had to be completely quiet while you meditate and that the positive energy came from a quiet mind.  That's a very common misunderstanding regarding mediation.  The thoughts that you have when you meditate are very important and what you should focus on.  I also used to think that when you meditate, that you need to pull a Ram Bahadur Bomjon and meditate for months on end.  For those of you who don't know who he is, it's okay, because I didn't know who he was either.  He is nicknamed Buddha Boy because his followers believe him to be the reincarnate of Buddha himself, because his story and his devotion to meditating for months on end remind his believers of a legend about a Buddhist enlightenment... apparently from the man on whose teachings Buddhism was founded upon.  ANYWAY...

Sorry about that derailed train of thought.  The point I was going to make is that you don't have to meditate for hours on end or- Heaven help you- months on end, in order for it to have a profound effect in your life.  All it takes is 5 minutes, as often as you feel it is necessary.  I think it would be beneficial to do this every day, but I haven't gotten to that point yet.  At this point, I do it when I feel the most disconnected.  And that was the end of last week after my mid-terms... which were horrifying.  

My first class starts at 4:00 p.m. and my last class gets over at 8:45 p.m.  After which I've started going to the gym because I feel like my nerves are so... tightly wound lately.  So, I went to the gym and I hadn't been to the gym in months.  I wasn't looking forward to it because I felt like it is one more "have to do" on my growing lists of musts.  My workout was amazing and I felt like it was a time-out for me.  I wasn't expecting this change of feelings towards the workout, but it was wonderful.  I left the gym feeling decompressed and fantastically calm.

I got home that night and my room was a disaster... Hurricane Mid-term blew through the 2 previous weeks the outcome was claustrophobically disasterous.  Clothes were strewn all over, I had shirts hanging from closet doors, out of drawers, and books stacked in disaray all over the place.  It was not a zen place to be and I began to feel stress creeping back in to me.  It was then that I decided to meditate, only there wasn't a place on the floor to do so.  My bathroom was the only semi-clean place, and my jetted tub was the only fully clean place because I had just cleaned it the night before.  So, I dimmed my lights and I climbed in my tub and I drew the shower curtains shut and I meditated. 

I wanted to share the simple process I use to meditate because this blog post is all about promoting meditation.  I sat in a comfortable position with my legs crossed and my arms relaxed and my spine comfortably erect and straight.  I took some deep breaths and slowly let them out and once I felt calm and quiet, I thought of someone that I love and as I focused on this person and my love for him and I had that good feeling coursing through me I asked myself (through thought) What is it you want?  Throughout the process you want to focus on breathing in and out, slowly and deeply.  This is when you focus on your thoughts and you process through them.  This part can take as long as you need it to, there is no time limit.  Mine went like this:

-Relaxed but erect seated position
-Begin deep and slow breathing.
-Think of a person that you love.
-Continue deep and slow breathing throughout meditation.
-(Active thought): What is it I want?
-(Involuntary thought response): I want to be happy and positive.  I want to feel alive.
-(Involuntary thought): Everything is found in love.
-(Active thought): Love can't be the only answer.  I know that everything is found in love, but that alone doesn't make sense to me.  Help me understand this.
-(Involuntary thought response): The other part is acceptance.
-(Active thought): What are the connections between love and acceptance?
-(Involuntary thought response): You will find love when you accept what you cannot change.  When you accept that it is okay to not have control; there is love in the lack of control.
-(Active thought): I still don't understand.
-(Involuntary thought response): There is love to be found in your acceptance for your frailties and imperfections, acceptance for your shortcomings and desire to improve them, acceptance for the difficult, acceptance for what you can't control and in all of this to continue to love and not be angry.  (Interrupted Active thought: I need to grab a pen to write this down, I don't want to forget it).  (Interrupted Involuntary thought response:  You will remember it just fine, you will remember what you need to remember).
-(Active thought): What else do I need to do?
-(Involuntary thought response): Love God for what He deals you, love the trial and how it strengthens you, love yourself for your struggle because nothing that is worthy of this life comes without pain.  Love the pain.  Love the tears because to cry is not weak.  Love the hurt that others deal to you and love those that hurt you because they don't know any better... yet.  Love the lessons that come from all of this because that's what you came here for, the lessons you learn here are things you couldn't learn there, where you were before... the lessons here are the point of this existence, as is love.  Be grateful for the process because this is the only time ever that you'll experience it in this way.  Love yourself, truly love yourself.
-Quiet.
-Relax in your body and then open your eyes when you are ready.
-You are done.

All of this took, maybe 5 minutes.  And when I was done, I don't think I need to mention that tears were streaming down my face because they were.  I felt like I finally understood something that had been at the core of my distress for months... even years, but that I didn't know how to "fix" or make better; and this hurt hurt others and I FINALLY understood it and knew what I needed to know and do.  It was a wonderful experience and one I've been thinking back on since it happened. 

We can have profound experiences and they don't have to be built on perfection or ideal circumstances; they can happen in a darkened bathroom, while sitting in your bathtub in your sweaty gym clothes.  Meditation does not have to last hours, and it does not require a silent mind- thoughts are important to the process- and it does not have to be experienced in a zen garden.  You can meditate in your closet and still learn what you need to know.  I encourage you to try meditation for yourselves; you never know the enlightenment that may come from it.  Let me know how it goes. 

Meditative Musings

I've been feeling very like... out of control lately.  And when I say out of control, I don't mean it in the way that at any moment I could do something reckless and stupid.  I mean it in the sense that... I don't feel like I have any control in my day-to-day life.  This post has so much potential to sound like a pity-party festival... and I don't mean it that way at all.  

Every day, I go to work and my actions and involvement in my cases are simply reactive to the destruction of divorced couples towards each other and their children.  Mom doesn't want to take daughters glasses to school because dad won't return daughter's cell phone to her... clearly the two aren't relevant in their solutions of each other, but daughter is getting headaches everyday because she is straining her eyes all day at school.  So, I react to that and I mediate between mom and dad to come to a productive decision... and when that doesn't happen (which is most of the time) then I talk to my boss and she issues an Order of the Court, which I draft, have her sign, and send to the parents.  And then the parent who is ordered to do something calls me up in a rage and I battle it out verbally with them for half and hour.  Nothing changes, the parents are still just as angry at each other as the day they filed for divorce, and the order only makes them more difficult to work with the next time mine and my boss' involvement becomes necessary.  I do that, Monday through Friday, every week, from 9:00 a.m. until there are no more fires to put out.  

I also assist in the divorce mediations at the office that we do daily; I draft the stipulations as agreements are made.  One of the requirements for Utah State is that divorcing couples participate in mediation before the finality of the divorce; it's more economical and less time consuming for the courts if they don't have to divide the Real Property, belongings, debts, etc.  Also, if parent time is involved and needs to be calendared, you can get something decided that is more conducive for both parents and more creative than regular statue, which the courts would order if left to them.  This past week alone, I have been at the office till 10:00 p.m. twice because of a long mediation.

On Mondays and Wednesdays, I actually leave work early to go to my classes where I talk about literature for about 2.5 hours and then I go to math... which is horrifying no matter how you look at it.  And then for the rest of the week, the time in between sleeping, work, and school... I am studying.  I don't even have time to cook... or clean... my bedroom looks like a hurricane blew through it.  For my literature classes, I am reading 2 novels a week.  I don't go to church because on Sundays is when I get most of my reading done.  I literally walk around my apartment with two books in my hands, one in each, and I switch back and forth in the reading.  I drink directly out of the milk jug... as I continue to read.  I've had too many accidents with spilled milk to count.  

It's frustrating.  I don't feel like I have time to exist.  I miss the gym.  I miss my friends.  I miss my nieces and nephews.  I miss watching movies.  I miss seeing the outdoors on the weekend.  I miss driving just for the sake of taking a drive and falling in love with the mountains.  My therapist gave me an assignment to make a list of 40  things that make me and my life worthwhile, as well as to look up at the sky everyday for 5 minutes.  I haven't done either.  The only time I see the outdoors, it's night time.  

I was really stressed about all this the other night.  I had a goal to get another 4.0 this semester, and quite frankly, I don't know if it's going to be doable.  But, I'm not going to give up.  I came to the conclusion that I need to just do it.  Just do it.  No more contemplating my schedule, no more feeling like I don't have time to invest... especially in myself.  I have put the gym off this entire semester because I didn't feel like I had the time to dedicate to it.  If it came between sleep and gym, I didn't have time for either because I've had a book glued to my face.  I've felt like I have to let one thing go in order to nurture something else and that is a horrible feeling.  I laid awake in bed making mental lists of all the had to be done.  Have you guys seen the movie "I Don't Know How She Does It"?  The part where she is talking about the science study about mothers who have children between certain ages don't get any sleep and it was unknown why that is.  Sarah Jessica Parker's character is talking about this and then she answers this unknown by stating that they don't get any sleep because they are awake all night mentalizing their lists of things that have to get done.  It's a funny movie.  That's been me this entire semester.  I lay awake at night thinking about all that needs to get done, when I should be sleeping.  This is the circular thread my mind was weaving the other night as I laid in bed stressing over how I'm going to nurture all that I want to nurture.  And then the thought entered my mind,

"There is no acclimating yourself to life, you just jump in full force and do it.  Push yourself to your limits and then push more.  Just do it!  Now is the time to go all out and live for you."

That's the answer, folks.  I know that I'm not the only one who lays awake at night with mental lists and stressing over getting everything done that needs to get done.  I know that I'm not the only one with a stressful job that feels all-consuming.  I know I'm not the only single birth-mother who is working full-time and going to school with what feels like an un-manageble credit load.  I know that I'm not the only over-weight woman out there stressing about her health and how she is going to fit exercise into her daily life.  So, what is the answer?  Instead of thinking about the process, we've got to just jump into it.  

I know this years focus is Balance and yellow.  And... jumping into it feels more Red, but analyzing every step is Blue.  And so, for this moment, jumping in is the only way to Balance out every aspect of my life that I want to nurture.  Sometimes there is Balance in jumping in full force.  There definitely isn't any Balance to nourishing only one part of your life and letting the rest go to the wayside because there isn't time enough to dedicate to it all.  Just do it.  I'm gonna just do it.