Perspective at Village Inn's Ladies' Room

There is something that I've been mulling over for a couple of weeks now, which is pretty new to me as I used to just blurt things out as they came to me without fully thinking through what it was I was saying or trying to say.  I was having coffee with a friend of mine and we were having one of those really great conversations where you are completely engaged in the dialogue and it is uplifting dialogue and you are learning a lot from it.  We were also laughing a lot which is always a nice thing to do.

I don't even fully remember what we were talking about, but what I do remember was visiting the ladies' room and having one of those thoughts that seemingly come out of nowhere and have massive impact of yourself as you know you.  Oddly enough, all those kinds of moments that I just described always seem to happen while I'm in a bathroom, or while I'm brushing my teeth.  

I work for a law office and so I am used to being analytical about every major piece of information that comes in to my hands.  The type of family law we primarily do is the kind that involves a lot of reading between the lines and asking the difficult questions to the stuff that doesn't add up right (yes, there is a kind of math I do relatively well with, it just doesn't involve numbers).  I analyze everything.  Outside of my employment, as an English major... I'm always analyzing the text and trying to figure out what is beneath the suggestion that are the words on the paper.  

While this analytic nature works well in my scholarly and professional worlds, it doesn't work well at all in my interpersonal world... in fact, it's been quite damaging to that world.  In the scholarly and professional worlds where I'm analytic and questioning the texts I'm given, it works because I'm supposed to find the loop-holes and pieces that contradict one another and I'm awesome at that; I've protected children from some pretty horrible situations because of my ability to really know what their parent's are saying without saying.  

But, you see, in my interpersonal world it's different.  What I learned at the Village Inn ladies' room... the thought that came out of nowhere and left me dazed and alarmed like I'm pretty sure a 2x4 to the head would impact me was that... analyzing your interpersonal relationships... it doesn't work.  You aren't supposed to look for loop-holes or confused stories when they really just don't exist in the first place.  And when you start doing that... you are weaving your own insecurities into the actions of another person.  That's the big thing I learned.  It is no secret that in my past I've been traumatically hurt.  And that word, "traumatically"... yeah, it's not an exaggeration.  

All of you out there reading this blog faithfully know of a small portion of the traumatic hurt I've faced.  But, the truth is that what you know is only the tip of that cliche iceberg; it's the result of a part of the underlying and ever invasive emotional injury.  Sheesh, that sounds so dramatic.  Maybe you all already knew this simple fact that when we analyze the actions of other's and, in doing so, only ever see the things that don't add up even if those things are creations of our own beliefs, and not actually truth... then ultimately all we are doing is weaving our insecurities in the actions of everything around us.  It's hard to trust anything when you live your life that way.  And I get that now.  For whatever reason that truth has evaded me for the longest of times, but I get it now.

That's not to say that there are people out there that don't have cause for suspicion.  But, when you place that suspicion on to someone who has only ever shown you kindness and respect and purity of love... and you let the thoughts of other's just as distrustful as you assist in tightening the weave of your own individual brand of insecurity... then it's not good.  I don't fully know what this post is.  I'm just excited about the moment of clarity I received in the ladies' room of Village Inn.  That sounds weird, but it's true.

If you could feel the quiet joy in my heart right now then I think it would explain it perfectly.  For as important as it is to ask the questions and get the answers, and be suspicious of people when it's necessary, there is no balance in doing that with everyone you meet.  Just as there is no balance in just existing in a moment that feels wrong but you don't dare understand why.  Analyzing is red, and turning a blind eye is blue... but trusting and believing in good when you've witnessed it time and again in a person, especially when that person answered the difficult questions... that's yellow.  And, yellow is joy; yellow is warmth, yellow is honesty, yellow is humility.  Yellow teaches you to imagine and believe that life and people can be good.  Yellow is your instinct telling you that it's either right or wrong, it's that part of you that knows without having to be encouraged by others.  Yellow is balance and having hope in faith is yellow.  Balance is patient and balance is peace in the instinctual.  Balance is a delicate truth that can come to us in the most unusual of places, but it comes to us regardless, even if it is the ladies' room of a family restaurant.

Meditative Musings

I've been feeling very like... out of control lately.  And when I say out of control, I don't mean it in the way that at any moment I could do something reckless and stupid.  I mean it in the sense that... I don't feel like I have any control in my day-to-day life.  This post has so much potential to sound like a pity-party festival... and I don't mean it that way at all.  

Every day, I go to work and my actions and involvement in my cases are simply reactive to the destruction of divorced couples towards each other and their children.  Mom doesn't want to take daughters glasses to school because dad won't return daughter's cell phone to her... clearly the two aren't relevant in their solutions of each other, but daughter is getting headaches everyday because she is straining her eyes all day at school.  So, I react to that and I mediate between mom and dad to come to a productive decision... and when that doesn't happen (which is most of the time) then I talk to my boss and she issues an Order of the Court, which I draft, have her sign, and send to the parents.  And then the parent who is ordered to do something calls me up in a rage and I battle it out verbally with them for half and hour.  Nothing changes, the parents are still just as angry at each other as the day they filed for divorce, and the order only makes them more difficult to work with the next time mine and my boss' involvement becomes necessary.  I do that, Monday through Friday, every week, from 9:00 a.m. until there are no more fires to put out.  

I also assist in the divorce mediations at the office that we do daily; I draft the stipulations as agreements are made.  One of the requirements for Utah State is that divorcing couples participate in mediation before the finality of the divorce; it's more economical and less time consuming for the courts if they don't have to divide the Real Property, belongings, debts, etc.  Also, if parent time is involved and needs to be calendared, you can get something decided that is more conducive for both parents and more creative than regular statue, which the courts would order if left to them.  This past week alone, I have been at the office till 10:00 p.m. twice because of a long mediation.

On Mondays and Wednesdays, I actually leave work early to go to my classes where I talk about literature for about 2.5 hours and then I go to math... which is horrifying no matter how you look at it.  And then for the rest of the week, the time in between sleeping, work, and school... I am studying.  I don't even have time to cook... or clean... my bedroom looks like a hurricane blew through it.  For my literature classes, I am reading 2 novels a week.  I don't go to church because on Sundays is when I get most of my reading done.  I literally walk around my apartment with two books in my hands, one in each, and I switch back and forth in the reading.  I drink directly out of the milk jug... as I continue to read.  I've had too many accidents with spilled milk to count.  

It's frustrating.  I don't feel like I have time to exist.  I miss the gym.  I miss my friends.  I miss my nieces and nephews.  I miss watching movies.  I miss seeing the outdoors on the weekend.  I miss driving just for the sake of taking a drive and falling in love with the mountains.  My therapist gave me an assignment to make a list of 40  things that make me and my life worthwhile, as well as to look up at the sky everyday for 5 minutes.  I haven't done either.  The only time I see the outdoors, it's night time.  

I was really stressed about all this the other night.  I had a goal to get another 4.0 this semester, and quite frankly, I don't know if it's going to be doable.  But, I'm not going to give up.  I came to the conclusion that I need to just do it.  Just do it.  No more contemplating my schedule, no more feeling like I don't have time to invest... especially in myself.  I have put the gym off this entire semester because I didn't feel like I had the time to dedicate to it.  If it came between sleep and gym, I didn't have time for either because I've had a book glued to my face.  I've felt like I have to let one thing go in order to nurture something else and that is a horrible feeling.  I laid awake in bed making mental lists of all the had to be done.  Have you guys seen the movie "I Don't Know How She Does It"?  The part where she is talking about the science study about mothers who have children between certain ages don't get any sleep and it was unknown why that is.  Sarah Jessica Parker's character is talking about this and then she answers this unknown by stating that they don't get any sleep because they are awake all night mentalizing their lists of things that have to get done.  It's a funny movie.  That's been me this entire semester.  I lay awake at night thinking about all that needs to get done, when I should be sleeping.  This is the circular thread my mind was weaving the other night as I laid in bed stressing over how I'm going to nurture all that I want to nurture.  And then the thought entered my mind,

"There is no acclimating yourself to life, you just jump in full force and do it.  Push yourself to your limits and then push more.  Just do it!  Now is the time to go all out and live for you."

That's the answer, folks.  I know that I'm not the only one who lays awake at night with mental lists and stressing over getting everything done that needs to get done.  I know that I'm not the only one with a stressful job that feels all-consuming.  I know I'm not the only single birth-mother who is working full-time and going to school with what feels like an un-manageble credit load.  I know that I'm not the only over-weight woman out there stressing about her health and how she is going to fit exercise into her daily life.  So, what is the answer?  Instead of thinking about the process, we've got to just jump into it.  

I know this years focus is Balance and yellow.  And... jumping into it feels more Red, but analyzing every step is Blue.  And so, for this moment, jumping in is the only way to Balance out every aspect of my life that I want to nurture.  Sometimes there is Balance in jumping in full force.  There definitely isn't any Balance to nourishing only one part of your life and letting the rest go to the wayside because there isn't time enough to dedicate to it all.  Just do it.  I'm gonna just do it.