It's been almost a year since I lasted posted. Time goes by so fast. To let you know what I've been doing, I recently graduated from Utah Valley University, as in May 1, 2015. And I've just accepted an English-teaching position for the 2016-2017 school year as an 8th grade English teacher, and I'm really excited about it. It's crazy because I've been working so hard to complete my Bachelor's degree that I haven't really done anything else. I've kept to myself because I've been so absorbed in academic pursuits that everything else just took a backseat. And also I've spent a lot of time considering what I want this blog to be.
I'm in a very different place in my journey as a birth-mother than I've ever been before. I've been an activist for adoption awareness in my own way, but I feel like my vision and perspective have shifted. When I first found out I was pregnant and I took a hard look at my life I realized that I had wasted so much time floundering about and wasting my time on unimportant pursuits. And as a result there was no way that I could provide for the child I was going to bring into this world. And that realization came about over the course of my entire pregnancy with Baby Boy. The day that I finally came to terms with the fact that I would be selfish if I chose to parent him knowing that I had no way to provide for either us was the day that I promised myself that I would create a future so that when I did become pregnant again I could provide for that child. And that's been my focus. And through all of that I have a better idea of who I am and I know what I want for my future, and it's happening for me.
This blog has been such a huge emotional outlet for me. I love the adoption community and I always will because it's within this community that I found my voice. For the first time in my life I realized that it was okay to say what I want to say and share my experience. I will always treasure that and all of you who have supported me and been my friend. And I'm going to continue to share my voice through this blog.
Something has been on my mind the last month, since about mid-April. It's probably silly but I also can't shake it so I'm going to talk about it here. It's Birth-mother's Day. Why do we need a separate day? Truly, why? Did you know that the founder of Mother's Day wasn't ever a mother? It's true. Her name was Anna Jarvis and she loved her mother so much that she wanted to commemorate that love by inspiring a national holiday to commemorate the love for all mothers, and to ceaselessly show her own devotion to her mother, endlessly.
Commemorate, that's a good word. It means to honor, memorialize, and celebrate. When I think of the word memorialize, I think of paying tribute to someone as a way of honoring them. I wonder if that's what Anna meant when she inspired this national holiday. In 1914 Mother's Day became an official holiday. Anna Jarvis later became disappointed in the commercialization of Mother's Day. For her, the idea for a day honoring mother's was born out of the recognition that children did not honor their parents, and that all that a woman does goes unnoticed and unrecognized. Her mother served the family, her husband, and the community with selfless service and was never recognized or appreciated for it. As a young child Anna swore that one day all women would have the opportunity to be recognized for the selfless acts they do for the benefit of others.
Now I recognize that Birth-mother's Day was born out of a need to create awareness, to educate the broader community, and to honor and remember. All of that is very important and I acknowledge this. But I'm concerned that it is beginning to become too commercialized. Anna's drive to advocate for a day for mother's was born from a prayer her mother gave; a very sacred experience. My experience to place Baby Boy for adoption was also born from a sacred experience. It's sacred, in both cases, and many more. To commercialize on the sacred is wrong. If it's for awareness sake, then yes that's important.
But more important is that a woman who was never a mother inspired a day for mothers. And now this day has become a day of stress and self-comparing to other women who seem to do "it" (mothering) better than you/me. I don't think there needs to be a designation because we are all mothers whether you are an adoptive mother, birth-mother, hopeful mother, whatever. One woman should not have one way designated for her because of the legal type of mother she is. We have all sacrificed something great for the well-being of another, and in that light we are all incredible mothers. To the women out there struggling with infertility, I'm sure mother's day means something very different to you. And that's my point. The day shouldn't be something that sets a person apart or that puts them in a different bracket than someone else, and that's exactly what Birth-mother's Day does. We need to stop comparing. I am an Other Mother, that doesn't make me less of a mother than a woman who parents her child because I sacrificed and did the best for him that I knew how given my circumstances. And for women who are waiting on the results of fertility treatments, or for women who are waiting for a placement to finalize, you are also mothers.
I hope my message is coming across clearly. From the perspective of a feminist, which I consider myself to be, the last thing we need is the compartmentalization of women into categories for the sake of commercialization. Mother "A" gets the traditional flowers and chocolate because she's a mother-mother, meaning she didn't place for adoption, whereas Mother "B" needs a special trinket from a specialized online store that specializes in gifts for birth-mothers because she's an "Other mother", and for women who aren't mothers, who don't have a child to prove their maternal instinct, well...
Do you get what I'm saying? Mother's Day shouldn't be about commercialization, and why have 2 types of mother's day for the different types of mothers, when a mother is a mother whether or not she's had a child yet, or adopted a child yet. Distinctions are made legally, and I can't resolve it within myself that within this adoption community that I love that distinctions are being made among powerful women, important women, life-altering and beautiful women. This is just my perspective and so I'm not saying it is the only perspective. But not everyone gets recognized on Birth-mothers Day or Mother's Day because the world fits us in a mold, or they don't know about the Saturday before Mother's Day and it's significance to birth-mothers. And I've seen birth-mothers feel "less-than" because they aren't acknowledged and that's why we need to be careful. Our self-worth and importance is not attached to a day that is commercialized. We are powerful because of the difficult decisions we make.
Showing posts with label determination. Show all posts
Showing posts with label determination. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Change Begins with the Individual
Shane Koyczan is a Canadian Spoken Work Poet. I came across him on the TED awards for being chosen to be awarded the TED prize which is given to a person who boldly and creatively inspires and actively seeks global change. Shane Koyczan speaks out about school bullying.
I've been in this funk for a little while now. And I've wanted to write about it, but I haven't known how to write about. Watching Shane Koyczan speak and perform his poem "To This Day" and the way he effortlessly mingled it directly into his speech so that you didn't know where his speech ended and his poem began... was truly impactful to me. His poem spoke to me. It's like he looked into my mind and wrote down what he saw, and that ability to connect your words to people you've never met and most likely never will meet, is truly a profound gift.
I was bullied as a pre-teen. My bullying started before my pre-teen years. I started being bullied as young as 6 years old, and the offender was my first grade teacher who was Baptist and felt it necessary to take out her hate of Mormonism on an innocent child, therefore setting the tone for how other students treated me. By the time I was in the 5th grade, I was already very cautious on how I interacted with others. I would imagine that a lot of my fellow classmates would have seen me differently (not cautious), but that's because every day I made an effort... a conscious effort to socialize with others. And it was hard. By the end of my 5th grade year, I had consistent bullies. They were kids older than me and we weren't in the same school, but we lived in the same community, and we rode the same bus. Riding the bus was a war zone for me. Every day, if they felt like I looked at them wrong, I would be surrounded and ridiculed ruthlessly. And they always felt like I looked at them wrong because as they told me, I "looked wrong". They surrounded me and they called me fat and a heifer (I was neither of these things, I was a healthy 10 year old who was taller for her age than other 10 year olds). They pulled me hair and shoved me between them, there were 4 of them on a consistent basis, and on occasion a couple more would join in on the "fun". They made up a rhyme about me. It was something to the effect of being so ugly that they would try to remove my mask only to find out that it was my face. It was at the part of "removing my mask" that they would pull my hair and touch my face roughly... not hitting, not scratching, but completely invading my personal space and grabbing my chin forcefully. When they wouldn't be able to remove my mask then they would howl out with laughter and tell me that my favorite holiday must be Halloween because then I could walk freely out in the open in my hideousness and not look out of place and not scare others with how ugly I was. I would get off the bus and I would take my time getting home (1 block away) and I would cry and then wait until the traces of my tears were gone and then I would go home. The bus driver never stepped in. By the time I was 13, I was angry and inwardly aggressive. I became Gothic and stuck out even worse. My best friend was considered a "problem kid" and had his own reputation. But, in our friendship, we were safe with each other. He was the most compassionate person I've ever known. His bullying never stopped, really. And when he was 17 years old, he committed suicide because... I don't know why, but I know part of it was that he was never treated "normally" by his peers. There were other components to his choice to die, but being ostracized by his peers for being different was a very hard thing for him. I know this, because he would open up to me about it, and I to him. My bullying never stopped until the end of my Junior year when my bullies graduated high school. No matter how "normal" I tried to make myself, these emotional terrorists never let up. And it's impacted me to this day.
This poem hits home. The feelings of worthlessness and being undeserving because you aren't "normal", or you stick out for some reason that other's don't... they follow you for the rest of your life. And while the bullies go through their life bullying other's to get what they want, or maybe they grow up and stop bullying, and settle down to have a family and work at their job that pays the bills... they don't think a second about second guessing themselves, because no one ever second guessed them. But to the one who was bullied, self doubt becomes a way of life. That doesn't mean self doubt has to be your life, because there is life after bullying, it's something that you have to fight for though. Becoming an adult is difficult enough already, add into the mix learning to trust yourself and love yourself and respect yourself after a major portion of your life being told you aren't good enough or "enough", period... makes it that much more difficult.
The point of this post is not to be depressing. I'm choosing to speak out about my experiences being bullied because bullying is not a matter of kids "just being kids", it goes so far beyond that. The same rationalization could be applied to war and dictators, "Oh, the war on terrorism is just politicians being politicians... politicians can be mean." Bullying is an emotional war and it takes place every day in every school across the world. And teachers stand by and watch. Administrators don't dare get involved because there is so much fear involved in correcting the behavior of a child whom is not your own. And other children standing by watching don't dare say anything because if they do, then they are next. Where is the protection? Kids who are bullied are the most loving and generous of their classmates. I'm not saying that in honor of myself. I'm saying that in honor of the people I know who have been bullied. Their hearts are kind and compassionate and delicate and that should be protected, not betrayed.
If we, as adults, expect change to happen in schools then we need to set the example to those who look to us as an example. And we need to be actively involved in pursuing a positive change where it's needed. If you witness something that is "wrong" in your book, you need to react against it, not in an antagonistic way, but you need to respond in a way that will promote and encourage something better. We need to let people know when we appreciate them, especially teenagers, because they have it freaking rough. There is so much out there about what is "wrong" with teenagers and what they can do to be "better" or "worthy" of attention, and it's all coming from the media and from authoritative figures in their lives that only see them a mere portion of their lives. Some teenagers have rough home lives. They need encouragement. They need to know that they are "good" and that they are important and respected and appreciated. The social structure that a child and teenager are submitted to on a daily basis is a huge component on their behavioral "makeup" as an adult. If we want a "better" tomorrow then we need to start nurturing those that will be leaders of tomorrow. It sounds hokey in a "glass-perpetually-half-full" kind of way, but whatever you want to call it, it's idealistic, but it is still possible. Change begins with the individual and leads to those impacted by the individual. Change is always possible.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Meditative Musings
This morning I went to the gym with a friend of mine and usually we talk a lot, but today we were both pretty tired, and as it was only 5:00 in the morning and I'm getting over being sick and she is coming down with something, so we just weren't in the talking mood. We talked for the first half hour, but the rest of the workout, I didn't have anything to distract me. She brought a book to read and I left my music at home. I decided that I would meditate for the rest of my workout and it was pretty awesome.
Normally I start my mediation with a question, but today I didn't. Instead I started thinking of the things I'm grateful for in my life and there are a lot. I focused on what my body was feeling and... my body is tired. And then I zoned into specific areas of my body and I focused on their strength and why I appreciate them, which is something I've never done before. I've never felt confident in my body. Ever. I've always noticed the flaws and compared it to other's. A running joke I have is that my chest should start paying rent because it's always there and does nothing for me. How acidic is that? It's funny, but to say that about yourself is extremely hurtful. I've said it about my butt too. Focusing on the beauty of my body was very powerful and made me grateful, and I never thought that would happen. I then started thinking about my long term goals and "where" I want to be and am working towards. It's beautiful, the goals I have and they are attainable. It's going to require a lot of work and determination, but it is possible and I believe that now. Before I always hoped for the possibility. But now, I know it's possible.
In terms of "where" I want to go, it's hard to not try and put a time-frame on it because that's how I work towards goals, but this kind of goal has nothing to do with time and everything to do with preparing myself to be the person that is involved in the "where" of where I'm going. And that's been a hard thing to try to resolve. Where I want to go cannot be forced and it cannot be limited to increments of time. It was at this point that the thought came to mind "You owe nothing to Time but your best effort." You wouldn't believe the comfort that I've already felt today from that simple truth. I've always "known" that all I need to do is try my best, but somewhere in the throws of becoming an adult, I lost the real meaning of what that means... what my personal best is and I believed instead that everything worth wanting in life has to be learned and earned "now" and if I wasn't my best "now" then it was impossible. I hope this is making sense. So, to be inspired of this truth this morning... was exactly what I needed.
This is my truth: I owe nothing to Time but my personal best. And in doing so... just living my personal best each and every day, that is how I will become the woman I know I am capable of being... and that's how I will get to where I'm going. It's as simple as that. I think I'm pretty awesome right now, but you guys haven't seen anything yet. The woman I know I will be, she is spectacular. And today, I am one step closer to my transcendental transition into becoming her. That's pretty exciting.
Normally I start my mediation with a question, but today I didn't. Instead I started thinking of the things I'm grateful for in my life and there are a lot. I focused on what my body was feeling and... my body is tired. And then I zoned into specific areas of my body and I focused on their strength and why I appreciate them, which is something I've never done before. I've never felt confident in my body. Ever. I've always noticed the flaws and compared it to other's. A running joke I have is that my chest should start paying rent because it's always there and does nothing for me. How acidic is that? It's funny, but to say that about yourself is extremely hurtful. I've said it about my butt too. Focusing on the beauty of my body was very powerful and made me grateful, and I never thought that would happen. I then started thinking about my long term goals and "where" I want to be and am working towards. It's beautiful, the goals I have and they are attainable. It's going to require a lot of work and determination, but it is possible and I believe that now. Before I always hoped for the possibility. But now, I know it's possible.
In terms of "where" I want to go, it's hard to not try and put a time-frame on it because that's how I work towards goals, but this kind of goal has nothing to do with time and everything to do with preparing myself to be the person that is involved in the "where" of where I'm going. And that's been a hard thing to try to resolve. Where I want to go cannot be forced and it cannot be limited to increments of time. It was at this point that the thought came to mind "You owe nothing to Time but your best effort." You wouldn't believe the comfort that I've already felt today from that simple truth. I've always "known" that all I need to do is try my best, but somewhere in the throws of becoming an adult, I lost the real meaning of what that means... what my personal best is and I believed instead that everything worth wanting in life has to be learned and earned "now" and if I wasn't my best "now" then it was impossible. I hope this is making sense. So, to be inspired of this truth this morning... was exactly what I needed.
This is my truth: I owe nothing to Time but my personal best. And in doing so... just living my personal best each and every day, that is how I will become the woman I know I am capable of being... and that's how I will get to where I'm going. It's as simple as that. I think I'm pretty awesome right now, but you guys haven't seen anything yet. The woman I know I will be, she is spectacular. And today, I am one step closer to my transcendental transition into becoming her. That's pretty exciting.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
"Little Miss" by Sugarland
This song has been on my mind for a while. I bought this c.d. a couple of months ago and have listened to it a TON. This song is one of those songs that, for me, once I heard it, it just completely resonates with me on a deep level.
This song is for all women/girls out there- regardless of your age- who have ever given up on love, who feel like they are about to give up on life, who feel like they have to always be strong because there is no one else looking out for them. This song is for those who don't want to be seen or "worried" about anymore, who feel like no matter what they do they just make a bigger mess of things, who give everything they have to everyone else and are still lonely, and who are so exhausted because their personal best is never good enough. This song is for those who keep going and going without rest, who are taken advantage of, who have lost so much and feel like they continue to lose everything. This song is for all those who have ever been pushed to be what everyone else wants or thinks they should be and have lost themselves in the process. This song is for anyone who smiles even when they are distressed because they can never let their guard down; for those who are afraid to let people in and so they keep everyone on the outside.
For those of you who connect with what was said above and who connect to this song, you are strong. Life is hard, but we make it. All the losses you've felt will only make us appreciate when we win. For as hard as it is today, you've just got to believe that it can get better. And that's hard, but it will get better; I promise you. There is always a brand new start, a way to be reborn, and when you least expect it is when you will be ready to open up and bless the world with who you are. You are loved.
You are lovable and you just need to find those people in life who you can trust to define your love-ability. And for those who make you doubt in yourself and feel less than you are worth; you let them go and you rebuild. Don't trust your self-worth with just anybody; they have to have proven that they are deserving of it. Once you understand that you are lovable and capable of loving, then you will be able to better see who deserves to be a part of your life. You are loved. Don't doubt it, not even for a second.
Lyrics: 'Little miss "done on love", little miss "I give up", little miss "I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore". Little miss "checkered dress", little miss "one big mess", little miss "I'll take less when I always give so much more". It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win. It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it'll be alright again.
This song is for all women/girls out there- regardless of your age- who have ever given up on love, who feel like they are about to give up on life, who feel like they have to always be strong because there is no one else looking out for them. This song is for those who don't want to be seen or "worried" about anymore, who feel like no matter what they do they just make a bigger mess of things, who give everything they have to everyone else and are still lonely, and who are so exhausted because their personal best is never good enough. This song is for those who keep going and going without rest, who are taken advantage of, who have lost so much and feel like they continue to lose everything. This song is for all those who have ever been pushed to be what everyone else wants or thinks they should be and have lost themselves in the process. This song is for anyone who smiles even when they are distressed because they can never let their guard down; for those who are afraid to let people in and so they keep everyone on the outside.
For those of you who connect with what was said above and who connect to this song, you are strong. Life is hard, but we make it. All the losses you've felt will only make us appreciate when we win. For as hard as it is today, you've just got to believe that it can get better. And that's hard, but it will get better; I promise you. There is always a brand new start, a way to be reborn, and when you least expect it is when you will be ready to open up and bless the world with who you are. You are loved.
You are lovable and you just need to find those people in life who you can trust to define your love-ability. And for those who make you doubt in yourself and feel less than you are worth; you let them go and you rebuild. Don't trust your self-worth with just anybody; they have to have proven that they are deserving of it. Once you understand that you are lovable and capable of loving, then you will be able to better see who deserves to be a part of your life. You are loved. Don't doubt it, not even for a second.
"Little Miss"
by Sugarland
Lyrics: 'Little miss "done on love", little miss "I give up", little miss "I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore". Little miss "checkered dress", little miss "one big mess", little miss "I'll take less when I always give so much more". It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win. It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it'll be alright again.
It'll be alright again- I'm okay- it'll be alright again, I'm okay. It'll be alright again, I'm okay.
Little miss "do your best", little miss "never rest", little miss "be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out". Little miss "you'll go far", little miss "hide your scars", little miss "who you are is so much more than you like to talk about". It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win. It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it'll be alright again. It'll be alright again- I'm okay- it'll be alright again, I'm okay. It'll be alright again, I'm okay. Hold on, hold on, you are loved. Little miss "brand new start", little miss "do your part", little miss "big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love". It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win. It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it'll be alright again. It'll be alright again- I'm okay- it'll be alright again, I'm okay. It'll be alright again, I'm okay.'
Little miss "do your best", little miss "never rest", little miss "be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out". Little miss "you'll go far", little miss "hide your scars", little miss "who you are is so much more than you like to talk about". It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win. It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it'll be alright again. It'll be alright again- I'm okay- it'll be alright again, I'm okay. It'll be alright again, I'm okay. Hold on, hold on, you are loved. Little miss "brand new start", little miss "do your part", little miss "big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love". It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win. It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it'll be alright again. It'll be alright again- I'm okay- it'll be alright again, I'm okay. It'll be alright again, I'm okay.'
Friday, July 20, 2012
Soul Food
Today I'm getting spiritual. I don't think it necessary to declare the religion I associate myself with because it doesn't matter. God is God and he loves his creations. Whether you are Buddhist, Wiccan, Catholic, Baptist, Vegetarian... a Lawyer... we all believe in something bigger than us and whether you worship a llama, a cow, life as life, a fierce God, a loving God, a God-like father, nature, or money, that thing that you believe in that is bigger than yourself, it makes you strive for something more.
I am Christian. I am a Christian who has a close relationship with nature and loves open spaces. What does that have to do with anything? I don't know, I just thought I would share that with you. Where I'm going with this post is I've been feeling like I need to post a blog, but every time I've logged in to do so... I sit at my keyboard for a portion of time and my mind is blank. I just sit here, hands poised upon my keyboard, staring at the screen... and nothing. Absolutely nothing. So, I thought that instead of setting out to write something inspiring and world-changing, that I would just let you all know what's going on in my life.
I'm attending a group alongside my personal therapy and in my group, a thought has been shared a couple of times by the facilitator that I wanted to share here. It's been the one thing that has been primary on my mind lately. She was quoting another source, which I can't remember, but she said, "Sometimes we confuse who we are with where we are." That's a pretty profound thought to me. I think the "where" in this quote can be reflected on in different ways. When I initially heard her say this a couple of weeks ago, my initial thought was that I feel like I'm in this "blah" kind of place. I've lost a lot of motivation in certain places, and yet I'm completely motivated in others. "Where" can be emotional, it can be physical, it can be mental, it can be cosmic... it can be spiritual. This begs the question, "Where am I in these places?"
--Emotional: I'm a bit hurt. I'm a bit gun-shy... "gun" meaning shy of trying anything new and "shy" meaning, scared crapless. How is that for eloquence? I'm angry in one emotional sphere, and hopeful in another, and the common thread between those two places is that I'm ridiculously cautious in moving forward. But, frightened is not who I am. And that's the point. I look back at the experiences I've had and not once to I see a frightened girl-child, but instead I see a determined woman who will see "it" (the experience) through and she does it with a grace and strength that I've never claimed as my own before. So, while I'm gun-shy at life, I am determined to follow through with what is important to me and I will not give up until I find resolve and peace.
--Physical: This is the main part of the "blahness" I've felt. I've lost a lot of motivation in my personal weight loss. Having said that though, looking back on my previous attempts, I don't know that the desired outcome was one I truly believed in. Part of that lack of faith in myself and my desired outcome was not for the lack of constant support I received from people in my life, but it was in my not believing in myself, and my confusing who I am with where I am, "where" being this belief that I was undesirable if I didn't "fit" a certain mold, and that mold varied depending on whom I spoke with, but I feel like I finally have a better grip on who I am for me. This is what I know: I am here. I am alive. I am strong. And that's enough. The fact that I exist is enough to be enough. I hope that makes sense. Where am I? I'm in a world where sexiness is defined in rather unhealthy proportions, whether that is physical proportion, or mental/emotional/social/spiritual proportions. Who am I? A girl who finally realizes that I don't have to be 120 pounds to be taken seriously as an active and valuable part of this Universe. The fact that I exist is remarkable in it's own right. Who I am is a woman deserving of happiness and a long life of health and joy.
-Mental: this used to be a scary realm for me. It was very muddles and confused. I think the mental and the emotional are twin cousins... yes, twin cousins, they are immediately related, while still maintaining complete autonomy from one another. I've kind of talked about this before, but the best way I can summarize it is where I was was confusion and a need to be what other's wanted me to be, at the sake of not becoming who I know that I am. I am beautiful. I talk about things that are difficult to talk about. I can relate to any kind of person because my mission in life is to love and promote love... not physical love, but that kind of love that is unconditional. I get it, some of my decisions frighten others, but I wouldn't be who I am without having taken any of the risks I've taken, and I wouldn't change them for the world because I know more about love than a lot of people claim they know. That battle- that confusion of being told that you are wrong in who you are and the way you live your life- that alone is confusing where you are with who you are. I see complicated and worthwhile where other's only see bad. I see something deserving of a second, or third, or fourth to tenth glance, where other's only see something not worthy of time. Because of this, the way I see things, I've been told for the longest time where I can make better decisions, and how to better live in accordance with the ideals of those telling me I'm doing "it" (life, my life) wrong. And for the longest time I thought something was innately wrong with me. Do you know what the definition of innate is? It is "belonging to the essential nature of something." Essentially, it is something that is natural to the thing it belongs to, so in context to what I just stated, for the longest time I thought that I was made of only wrong. Where am I? I'm in a world where perceptions rule and each perception is as unique as the person viewing it. Who am I? A loving human being who believes that life and love are worthy of taking risks, and what other's deem as a risk, is only viewed as a opportunity to me.
--Cosmic: Where am I? Earth, one of potentially billions planets that can sustain life. Who am I? Life worthy of living and so small in comparison to the Universe around me that my actions should not even peak on the radar of people who are concerned with their own existences and living the one life they will ever experience here. I'm not saying I don't believe in life after this place, because I do, I'm saying that we will ever only know this life in this format, in this way, the way we are living it now... once. Only once. So, should not the focus be to live our life for ourselves and the way it feels right to us, instead of how other's believe we should live? It's a s simple question. Rhetorical, even.
--Spiritual: This is where it gets religious-y. Where am I? A place meant to challenge me. A place where I had to come in order to learn the spiritual concepts that only this place could teach me. A place I chose to come when I new how everything would play out... a place I chose to come when I had the spiritual knowledge to know the end from the beginning... I still chose to come here. Who am I? A being much braver than I give myself credit for. A spiritual child who, through my own sorrow and loss and sacrifice, understands my spiritual connection with my Mother-in-Heaven better than I ever thought I could. A person who strives to know everything there is to know about love in it's highest and most noble form... and I chose to learn that here.
It is said that "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God." Knowing this answers a simple but completely necessary question. Who are we? We are souls of great worth. That's easy to forget when we compare who we are to where we are, and there is a major difference. You can never do enough to change a core feeling about yourself that has been embedded in you for who knows how long. We literally have to retrain our thought patterns that feed our core beliefs. And this retraining has to happen with every breath. With every breath we have to remind ourselves of who we are, and not base who we are with what is currently going wrong in our lives, which is the where. That's hard, but nothing worth having is easy. I'm an awesome lady. I have a lot of love to give and who I am is a lot better than what my current hardships cause me to believe I am. And that's something worth remembering every second.
I am Christian. I am a Christian who has a close relationship with nature and loves open spaces. What does that have to do with anything? I don't know, I just thought I would share that with you. Where I'm going with this post is I've been feeling like I need to post a blog, but every time I've logged in to do so... I sit at my keyboard for a portion of time and my mind is blank. I just sit here, hands poised upon my keyboard, staring at the screen... and nothing. Absolutely nothing. So, I thought that instead of setting out to write something inspiring and world-changing, that I would just let you all know what's going on in my life.
I'm attending a group alongside my personal therapy and in my group, a thought has been shared a couple of times by the facilitator that I wanted to share here. It's been the one thing that has been primary on my mind lately. She was quoting another source, which I can't remember, but she said, "Sometimes we confuse who we are with where we are." That's a pretty profound thought to me. I think the "where" in this quote can be reflected on in different ways. When I initially heard her say this a couple of weeks ago, my initial thought was that I feel like I'm in this "blah" kind of place. I've lost a lot of motivation in certain places, and yet I'm completely motivated in others. "Where" can be emotional, it can be physical, it can be mental, it can be cosmic... it can be spiritual. This begs the question, "Where am I in these places?"
--Emotional: I'm a bit hurt. I'm a bit gun-shy... "gun" meaning shy of trying anything new and "shy" meaning, scared crapless. How is that for eloquence? I'm angry in one emotional sphere, and hopeful in another, and the common thread between those two places is that I'm ridiculously cautious in moving forward. But, frightened is not who I am. And that's the point. I look back at the experiences I've had and not once to I see a frightened girl-child, but instead I see a determined woman who will see "it" (the experience) through and she does it with a grace and strength that I've never claimed as my own before. So, while I'm gun-shy at life, I am determined to follow through with what is important to me and I will not give up until I find resolve and peace.
--Physical: This is the main part of the "blahness" I've felt. I've lost a lot of motivation in my personal weight loss. Having said that though, looking back on my previous attempts, I don't know that the desired outcome was one I truly believed in. Part of that lack of faith in myself and my desired outcome was not for the lack of constant support I received from people in my life, but it was in my not believing in myself, and my confusing who I am with where I am, "where" being this belief that I was undesirable if I didn't "fit" a certain mold, and that mold varied depending on whom I spoke with, but I feel like I finally have a better grip on who I am for me. This is what I know: I am here. I am alive. I am strong. And that's enough. The fact that I exist is enough to be enough. I hope that makes sense. Where am I? I'm in a world where sexiness is defined in rather unhealthy proportions, whether that is physical proportion, or mental/emotional/social/spiritual proportions. Who am I? A girl who finally realizes that I don't have to be 120 pounds to be taken seriously as an active and valuable part of this Universe. The fact that I exist is remarkable in it's own right. Who I am is a woman deserving of happiness and a long life of health and joy.
-Mental: this used to be a scary realm for me. It was very muddles and confused. I think the mental and the emotional are twin cousins... yes, twin cousins, they are immediately related, while still maintaining complete autonomy from one another. I've kind of talked about this before, but the best way I can summarize it is where I was was confusion and a need to be what other's wanted me to be, at the sake of not becoming who I know that I am. I am beautiful. I talk about things that are difficult to talk about. I can relate to any kind of person because my mission in life is to love and promote love... not physical love, but that kind of love that is unconditional. I get it, some of my decisions frighten others, but I wouldn't be who I am without having taken any of the risks I've taken, and I wouldn't change them for the world because I know more about love than a lot of people claim they know. That battle- that confusion of being told that you are wrong in who you are and the way you live your life- that alone is confusing where you are with who you are. I see complicated and worthwhile where other's only see bad. I see something deserving of a second, or third, or fourth to tenth glance, where other's only see something not worthy of time. Because of this, the way I see things, I've been told for the longest time where I can make better decisions, and how to better live in accordance with the ideals of those telling me I'm doing "it" (life, my life) wrong. And for the longest time I thought something was innately wrong with me. Do you know what the definition of innate is? It is "belonging to the essential nature of something." Essentially, it is something that is natural to the thing it belongs to, so in context to what I just stated, for the longest time I thought that I was made of only wrong. Where am I? I'm in a world where perceptions rule and each perception is as unique as the person viewing it. Who am I? A loving human being who believes that life and love are worthy of taking risks, and what other's deem as a risk, is only viewed as a opportunity to me.
--Cosmic: Where am I? Earth, one of potentially billions planets that can sustain life. Who am I? Life worthy of living and so small in comparison to the Universe around me that my actions should not even peak on the radar of people who are concerned with their own existences and living the one life they will ever experience here. I'm not saying I don't believe in life after this place, because I do, I'm saying that we will ever only know this life in this format, in this way, the way we are living it now... once. Only once. So, should not the focus be to live our life for ourselves and the way it feels right to us, instead of how other's believe we should live? It's a s simple question. Rhetorical, even.
--Spiritual: This is where it gets religious-y. Where am I? A place meant to challenge me. A place where I had to come in order to learn the spiritual concepts that only this place could teach me. A place I chose to come when I new how everything would play out... a place I chose to come when I had the spiritual knowledge to know the end from the beginning... I still chose to come here. Who am I? A being much braver than I give myself credit for. A spiritual child who, through my own sorrow and loss and sacrifice, understands my spiritual connection with my Mother-in-Heaven better than I ever thought I could. A person who strives to know everything there is to know about love in it's highest and most noble form... and I chose to learn that here.
It is said that "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God." Knowing this answers a simple but completely necessary question. Who are we? We are souls of great worth. That's easy to forget when we compare who we are to where we are, and there is a major difference. You can never do enough to change a core feeling about yourself that has been embedded in you for who knows how long. We literally have to retrain our thought patterns that feed our core beliefs. And this retraining has to happen with every breath. With every breath we have to remind ourselves of who we are, and not base who we are with what is currently going wrong in our lives, which is the where. That's hard, but nothing worth having is easy. I'm an awesome lady. I have a lot of love to give and who I am is a lot better than what my current hardships cause me to believe I am. And that's something worth remembering every second.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Semester Final Grades
This semester was a difficult one. I promise you that you will hear me say that probably every semester. Besides the difficulty of upper level literature classes, I've also experienced a lot of changes in my personal life and it's just been a heck of long and difficult semester.
I think I've probably written about finals already, so I won't bore you with the details again. But, final grades were issued yesterday and I wanted to let you know how it all turned out. I ended up with a 3.60 GPA this semester, it's not a 4.0 like last semester, but I'll keep it all the same. I ended up with a final grade of an "A" for my Romantic British Literature class and my Contemporary American Literature class. And (drum roll please), I pulled off a "B" for my final grade in math! Heck yes I did!
Seriously, my literature classes this semester demanded majority of my study time and I bombed my last chapter test in math and I wasn't able to dedicate much time to studying for my math final because all my time was wrapped up in researching for my final papers for both literature classes. So, I am proud of that math grade. I left that final feeling comfortably confident but nervous because I was confident, if that makes any sense at all, haha. But it's done.
I've decided not to take any classes this summer and to focus on myself and some things I want to work on for me and a future I'm pursuing. This first year back to school after about a 6 year absence was intense but I've learned so much and I've loved it, even when I didn't love it. I'm looking forward to progressing more and more into the English major and relating to the literature that will be exposed to me. I'm proud of myself. With all the personal stuff that's gone on since I enrolled in Fall 2011, I've still managed to maintain a great GPA.
Going back to school has taught me how strong I am and how smart I am. I've always known I was a quick witted person, but I would never have ventured to call myself smart... that's horrible to say, but it's something inside of me that I need to resolve and it's the truth. I've learned this semester especially that I have a lot that needs to be said and people want to hear it and the things that I have inside me are worthwhile and relate-able and that I have a special way in which to communicate them. I learned this semester that people want to hear my input. My literature classes were discussion classes. That's all we did was discuss the texts. We would have an occasional pop-quiz, but primarily we heavily discussed the texts we read. And a lot of the British Lit. was above and beyond easy comprehension, and the American Lit. texts were all from a Latin-American perspective and so these texts required a lot of me to relate and attempt a vague understanding of them. What I'm trying to say is that they were intimidating texts to discuss and I was scared at first to offer input, but the more I did, the more people would tell me that they appreciate my perspective and the view-points I brought to class, and that my comments helped them relate to the texts in a deeper way having heard my perspective of the text. That meant a lot to me; to be heard and recognized for what I had to say and wanted to say.
This has been an insanely intense year at University, but I did it and I did it successfully. So much inner strength comes for that statement. I didn't just survive these semesters, I thrived, and I found a voice that has been quiet inside of me for my entire life and I found a way to communicate it. That is so... liberating. I am grateful for all that I learned in these last 2 semesters, specifically the one that just ended. I'm looking forward to returning to school in the Fall. I thank you all for taking interest in what I have to say and for sharing your thoughts with me. Thank you.
I think I've probably written about finals already, so I won't bore you with the details again. But, final grades were issued yesterday and I wanted to let you know how it all turned out. I ended up with a 3.60 GPA this semester, it's not a 4.0 like last semester, but I'll keep it all the same. I ended up with a final grade of an "A" for my Romantic British Literature class and my Contemporary American Literature class. And (drum roll please), I pulled off a "B" for my final grade in math! Heck yes I did!
Seriously, my literature classes this semester demanded majority of my study time and I bombed my last chapter test in math and I wasn't able to dedicate much time to studying for my math final because all my time was wrapped up in researching for my final papers for both literature classes. So, I am proud of that math grade. I left that final feeling comfortably confident but nervous because I was confident, if that makes any sense at all, haha. But it's done.
I've decided not to take any classes this summer and to focus on myself and some things I want to work on for me and a future I'm pursuing. This first year back to school after about a 6 year absence was intense but I've learned so much and I've loved it, even when I didn't love it. I'm looking forward to progressing more and more into the English major and relating to the literature that will be exposed to me. I'm proud of myself. With all the personal stuff that's gone on since I enrolled in Fall 2011, I've still managed to maintain a great GPA.
Going back to school has taught me how strong I am and how smart I am. I've always known I was a quick witted person, but I would never have ventured to call myself smart... that's horrible to say, but it's something inside of me that I need to resolve and it's the truth. I've learned this semester especially that I have a lot that needs to be said and people want to hear it and the things that I have inside me are worthwhile and relate-able and that I have a special way in which to communicate them. I learned this semester that people want to hear my input. My literature classes were discussion classes. That's all we did was discuss the texts. We would have an occasional pop-quiz, but primarily we heavily discussed the texts we read. And a lot of the British Lit. was above and beyond easy comprehension, and the American Lit. texts were all from a Latin-American perspective and so these texts required a lot of me to relate and attempt a vague understanding of them. What I'm trying to say is that they were intimidating texts to discuss and I was scared at first to offer input, but the more I did, the more people would tell me that they appreciate my perspective and the view-points I brought to class, and that my comments helped them relate to the texts in a deeper way having heard my perspective of the text. That meant a lot to me; to be heard and recognized for what I had to say and wanted to say.
This has been an insanely intense year at University, but I did it and I did it successfully. So much inner strength comes for that statement. I didn't just survive these semesters, I thrived, and I found a voice that has been quiet inside of me for my entire life and I found a way to communicate it. That is so... liberating. I am grateful for all that I learned in these last 2 semesters, specifically the one that just ended. I'm looking forward to returning to school in the Fall. I thank you all for taking interest in what I have to say and for sharing your thoughts with me. Thank you.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Meditative Musings
I was meditating the other day and, I'm of the impression that I need to do this more often. A little over 1 week ago, well, about 2 weeks ago, I had a day where I felt like everything that was up in the air was... possible to resolve. As of last weekend, I no longer feel as brave as I did 2 weeks ago when I felt I had made my mind up about a specific situation. I know that I am being completely ambiguous right now and I apologize for this. Please be patient with me.
Two weeks ago I felt like I had a new purpose; a new goal to direct myself towards, and I was really excited about this. As of this weekend, I feel like I'm not completely ready to move on from this "specific something". Everything is completely out of my hands right now and has been for a while now. I have no control in the outcome of this specific situation and I understand that and that's frustrating to me. It's extremely frustrating. And I don't know what to do with this new "information", if you will.
My heart has been restless since. Restless is the wrong word. My heart... has been disquieted. Do you know what the definition of 'disquiet' is? It's a transitive verb- which means that it is characterized by having or containing a direct object- anyway, disquiet is a transitive verb that means "to take away the peace or tranquillity of". My heart has been disquieted which has led to a restlessness that is not so much outwardly focused as inwardly focused... and constant. And along with this disquiet comes other emotions which are not emotions I want to feel. But, through this disquiet I understand that it's not time yet to move forward in this one situation.
Where does that leave things? Exactly where they were before I felt like I could move on, which... they were in a state of disaster. I was meditating the other day and was able, for a moment, to move beyond the disquiet and it was beautiful. I like that place, that place where it's okay that everything is out of your control because you feel connected to whatever has control over all that is happening to you. When I was done meditating, I laid in my bed and all the negativity I was feeling started creeping in again and I thought to myself, "No, not tonight" and I imagined pushing it all away from me like a pile of bricks that are in my way, and that's when the thought entered my mind, "Bless me with the knowledge to know what to do, and the strength, courage, determination, and vision to see it through."
It occurred to me afterwards that, I may not have complete control over things right now, and I may not know all that is coming my way. I may not be able to comprehend how things will resolve themselves out of the disaster that they've become; I may not feel patient enough to stand firm in the mist of this hurricane that is pulling and tearing and drowning any feeling of safety and peace I can latch on to. I may not have control like I want to, but I have strength of character to face the impossible. I have strength and courage to survive the impossible. I have determination to not give up and to see the difficult and frustrating through to the end. And I have vision and this vision allows hope to remain alive. I don't know how I've held on to Hope for so long, but she is still, very much, a part of me. My vision is hope and a quiet confidence that all will be as it should be; it may not be right now, but it will eventually be as it should be. Furthermore, my vision helps me know when I need to act and when I need to let life be; it guides me through the difficult. I may not have complete control, but I have strength, I have courage, I have determination, and I have vision; and that's enough for right now.
Two weeks ago I felt like I had a new purpose; a new goal to direct myself towards, and I was really excited about this. As of this weekend, I feel like I'm not completely ready to move on from this "specific something". Everything is completely out of my hands right now and has been for a while now. I have no control in the outcome of this specific situation and I understand that and that's frustrating to me. It's extremely frustrating. And I don't know what to do with this new "information", if you will.
My heart has been restless since. Restless is the wrong word. My heart... has been disquieted. Do you know what the definition of 'disquiet' is? It's a transitive verb- which means that it is characterized by having or containing a direct object- anyway, disquiet is a transitive verb that means "to take away the peace or tranquillity of". My heart has been disquieted which has led to a restlessness that is not so much outwardly focused as inwardly focused... and constant. And along with this disquiet comes other emotions which are not emotions I want to feel. But, through this disquiet I understand that it's not time yet to move forward in this one situation.
Where does that leave things? Exactly where they were before I felt like I could move on, which... they were in a state of disaster. I was meditating the other day and was able, for a moment, to move beyond the disquiet and it was beautiful. I like that place, that place where it's okay that everything is out of your control because you feel connected to whatever has control over all that is happening to you. When I was done meditating, I laid in my bed and all the negativity I was feeling started creeping in again and I thought to myself, "No, not tonight" and I imagined pushing it all away from me like a pile of bricks that are in my way, and that's when the thought entered my mind, "Bless me with the knowledge to know what to do, and the strength, courage, determination, and vision to see it through."
It occurred to me afterwards that, I may not have complete control over things right now, and I may not know all that is coming my way. I may not be able to comprehend how things will resolve themselves out of the disaster that they've become; I may not feel patient enough to stand firm in the mist of this hurricane that is pulling and tearing and drowning any feeling of safety and peace I can latch on to. I may not have control like I want to, but I have strength of character to face the impossible. I have strength and courage to survive the impossible. I have determination to not give up and to see the difficult and frustrating through to the end. And I have vision and this vision allows hope to remain alive. I don't know how I've held on to Hope for so long, but she is still, very much, a part of me. My vision is hope and a quiet confidence that all will be as it should be; it may not be right now, but it will eventually be as it should be. Furthermore, my vision helps me know when I need to act and when I need to let life be; it guides me through the difficult. I may not have complete control, but I have strength, I have courage, I have determination, and I have vision; and that's enough for right now.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Lessons in English
I recently got rid of my home internet, and so I've found that I have loads of time on my hands lately. Even with school starting on the 9th of this month, I still feel that I will have invaluable time to focus on other projects.
I was meditating the other night... I know, that sounds weird, but it's true, I'm turning into one of "those" people. All joking aside though, once I finished meditating and laid down in my bed to go to sleep, my mind was in a calmer state and the thoughts that typically are zooming around too quickly to catch, were finally recognizable. One thought I had was to turn my pride into determination. I was so excited by this nugget of beauty that I immediately wanted to blog about it... and then I remembered I had no internet, and so I wrote it down to blog about once I found a second at my job that allowed for a break. That second is now.
It occurred to me that the actual definition of "pride" and "determination" was elusive to me. I know what they mean... in general terms, but I wanted to know what Meriam Webster says they mean and so I looked them up:
*Pride: The quality or state of being proud... ostentatious display.
-Ostentatious: Marked by... conspicuous or vainglorious and sometimes pretentious display.
--Vainglory: Vain display or show. Excessive pride especially in one's achievements.
*Determination: The act of deciding definitely and firmly; also: the result of such an act of decision.
For the longest time, I understood that pride was attributed to more of a negative quality, but I never understood why and there were times that I found I felt proud for something I accomplished accomplished but I didn't know if I should, because isn't pride bad? I've always known that I exhibit some of the more negative types of pride in my own life. I have a pride that is attached to my stubborness and it is a horrible thing. I knew that it was a horrible thing in a general sense, but now I understand fully how horrible a thing my pride can become. But I still don't think that every aspect of pride is "bad"... and I think for those times when pride isn't a "bad" thing, it's because it's become such a common-place things to refer to pride in regards to the good things in our life. Pride isn't good. So... what part of pride is good? I think there is a connection, however small, between determination and pride. The major thing that separates these two qualitites is that determination involves more action, whereas pride is, more or less, just a feeling that becomes us.
Goodness, I know that I am unleashing my full glory of nerdiness on you... this is why I'm an English major, because disection of words gets me going (nerd alert). You can have pride in your haircut. You can have pride in your grades. You can have pride in your car, but pride doesn't get you those things. Pride doesn't nurture progress. Determination brings about "something". Determination gets you the good grades. You can have pride in something that is... withering, but your pride won't provide the nourishment that "something" needs to heal and become something better than "it" already is. Determination to succeed, determination to find love, determination to nurture love, determination to make it through the difficult and downright seemingly impossible parts of life; it's a choice. Determination is a choice.
I think that determination is the good part of pride before it goes bad. I think determination gets you to that place where you know you can go and then once you're there, you believe that you'll always be there. That's where pride goes wrong. Life is progression and just because you finally got to where you were working so tirelessly to go... doesn't mean your done and there is nothing more to achieve, and that's pride; the belief that what you've got and were determined to get. will never be taken from you... or will never disappear and will always be what it currently is and so you no longer work to maintain it and it withers. That's sad.
How can we nurture what is most sacred to us and which we don't want to lose? The answer seems easier now, but only easier because I think I finally know the answer, and that's to always be determined to make whatever "it" is, better. Obviously, there is nothing easy about determination. Determination is a choice made over and over again... from day to day... from minute to minute... and even possibly from second to second, determination is a renewed choice. There is failure in pride. There is balance in determination. Let's not confuse the two.
I was meditating the other night... I know, that sounds weird, but it's true, I'm turning into one of "those" people. All joking aside though, once I finished meditating and laid down in my bed to go to sleep, my mind was in a calmer state and the thoughts that typically are zooming around too quickly to catch, were finally recognizable. One thought I had was to turn my pride into determination. I was so excited by this nugget of beauty that I immediately wanted to blog about it... and then I remembered I had no internet, and so I wrote it down to blog about once I found a second at my job that allowed for a break. That second is now.
It occurred to me that the actual definition of "pride" and "determination" was elusive to me. I know what they mean... in general terms, but I wanted to know what Meriam Webster says they mean and so I looked them up:
*Pride: The quality or state of being proud... ostentatious display.
-Ostentatious: Marked by... conspicuous or vainglorious and sometimes pretentious display.
--Vainglory: Vain display or show. Excessive pride especially in one's achievements.
*Determination: The act of deciding definitely and firmly; also: the result of such an act of decision.
For the longest time, I understood that pride was attributed to more of a negative quality, but I never understood why and there were times that I found I felt proud for something I accomplished accomplished but I didn't know if I should, because isn't pride bad? I've always known that I exhibit some of the more negative types of pride in my own life. I have a pride that is attached to my stubborness and it is a horrible thing. I knew that it was a horrible thing in a general sense, but now I understand fully how horrible a thing my pride can become. But I still don't think that every aspect of pride is "bad"... and I think for those times when pride isn't a "bad" thing, it's because it's become such a common-place things to refer to pride in regards to the good things in our life. Pride isn't good. So... what part of pride is good? I think there is a connection, however small, between determination and pride. The major thing that separates these two qualitites is that determination involves more action, whereas pride is, more or less, just a feeling that becomes us.
Goodness, I know that I am unleashing my full glory of nerdiness on you... this is why I'm an English major, because disection of words gets me going (nerd alert). You can have pride in your haircut. You can have pride in your grades. You can have pride in your car, but pride doesn't get you those things. Pride doesn't nurture progress. Determination brings about "something". Determination gets you the good grades. You can have pride in something that is... withering, but your pride won't provide the nourishment that "something" needs to heal and become something better than "it" already is. Determination to succeed, determination to find love, determination to nurture love, determination to make it through the difficult and downright seemingly impossible parts of life; it's a choice. Determination is a choice.
I think that determination is the good part of pride before it goes bad. I think determination gets you to that place where you know you can go and then once you're there, you believe that you'll always be there. That's where pride goes wrong. Life is progression and just because you finally got to where you were working so tirelessly to go... doesn't mean your done and there is nothing more to achieve, and that's pride; the belief that what you've got and were determined to get. will never be taken from you... or will never disappear and will always be what it currently is and so you no longer work to maintain it and it withers. That's sad.
How can we nurture what is most sacred to us and which we don't want to lose? The answer seems easier now, but only easier because I think I finally know the answer, and that's to always be determined to make whatever "it" is, better. Obviously, there is nothing easy about determination. Determination is a choice made over and over again... from day to day... from minute to minute... and even possibly from second to second, determination is a renewed choice. There is failure in pride. There is balance in determination. Let's not confuse the two.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Lots of Thinking Going on Today... and Lately... In General
This song has nothing to do with Mothers Day except for the fact that if I could put all my feelings and emotions over the last little while of my life into one piece of text, then the lyrics to this song would be what I would say.
I wish I could fix all the wrong that I've done to myself and to others. Sometimes it's easier to pretend like everything is fine and you can go along in that way for a while, but it gets exhausting. And when it becomes exhausting, that's when it's easier to run away. But, running away doesn't solve anything. I know this for a fact.
You'll make strides and then something will happen and hiccup the progress and it may not seem fair and it might involve more hearts than just your own. You might have brought on the pain all on your own or it might have involved other people. Upsets will come and how you weather the storm is the telling factor of what will come of it. You may choose to ignore it or you could face it head on. Experience has taught me that the outcome is better if you face it head on rather than pretending that everything is fine. In fact, if you face it head on, you'll get through it; rather than pushing it back to another time to resolve.
I feel beaten down and exhausted. I want to run away, but I stay. I want to hide, but I also want to live. I want to give up, but my determination won't allow for it. Life can't always be fixed. And that's part of living. One decision can alter the rest of your life and all the best intentions in the world might not fix the mess that's been made... and that's still not a good enough reason to give up. The beautiful thing about life is you can mess up all you want, but you still have the rest of your life to make it right and the lessons that come along the way make it all worthwhile because you become a better person for having experienced all of it.
Today is Mother's Day and... it's a ridiculous day created by corporations to market chocolates and flowers... it means nothing. I am a mother but no one knows that. I love my son and I gave him the best I could and that was a life with opportunity. Do I wish I could have kept him? Every second of every day I wish that I could have kept him. Did creating him alter my entire life? Completely, but I am thankful for the difference. He's made me better. Are there days when I want to give up and run away? All the time.
This song has nothing to do with Mother's Day... but, it sums up all that I want to say right now.
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