Borders

The Great Wall of China

The Berlin Wall

U.S.-Mexico Border Wall 

 I just got done reading this book for my Contemporary American Literature class. It was beautiful. It is called Borderlands/La Frontera: The New Mestiza by Gloria Anzaldua. There is no possible way to categorize this book into one specific genre. Linguistically, Anzaldua switches between Spanish and English... sometimes mid-sentence. I don't speak Spanish and so it's been an interesting read for me to have to take an extra step to look up the translations. Beyond the linguistics of the book, the matter of form vs. content make this book impossible to categorize into one genre. This book is fictional, historical, personal narrative, borders on the fantastical, it is poetic, manifesto in nature... and even political treatise. I've never read a more beautiful body of text. Parts of it were difficult to read, I won't lie, and I'm not talking about the Spanish pieces. This entire book explores the concept of borders; specifically racial borders. Beyond that, this book discusses self-created borders that keep us from becoming something beyond what we believe ourselves to be. It explores the borders of gender. A lot of this book explores concepts outside of my comfort range, but I am happy to have read it all the same. It got me thinking of the borders within my own life.

Have you ever been talking to someone you love and somehow what you've said was lost in an emotional translation that you didn't even know was there until after the fact? What you were saying to this person was lost because of what they felt and so they understood something completely "contrary" to what you were saying. I quoted "contrary" because in this sense it isn't a convoluted understanding this person came to, because their reality caused them to understand something underneath what you were trying to say. And you can't fault this person for understanding something completely different because... you weren't clear enough in what you were saying. That's how I felt when I read the Spanish text of this book. The way Anzaldua placed the Spanish text was brilliant. She started off with a sentence here and there, a sentence in Spanish that repeated the previous English sentence. But as the story unraveled... as the history developed, she would "interrupt" English text with entire paragraphs of Spanish text... and she would "interrupt" at a point in the text where, as a reader, you were completely entranced in the story. For someone who does not speak Spanish, like myself, you became confused and panicked to understand what she was saying. And it would take time to find a translation that made any sense at all.

It made me think about arguments and the borders that are built up between those who are arguing. The borders are built up because of a lot of different reasons: fear of being hurt, fear of being ridiculed, because of pride, and even because you are just done hearing what the other person has to say. But what do borders do? You may feel like they are keeping the other person out, but really... they are locking you inside. They are locking you inside of anger and fear. It's made me think of the borders I've put up in my life and how I've justified them. It makes me think of the borders that entire families can build... and the destruction that comes from them. In the book, Anzaldua writes about the US-Mexican Border and the wall that was built there.

She says, "Wind tugging at my sleeve feet sinking into the sand I stand at the edge where earth touches ocean where the two overlap a gentle coming together at other times and places a violent crash... I walk through the hole in the fence to the other side. Under my fingers I feel the gritty wire rusted by 139 years of the salty breath of the sea. Beneath the iron sky Mexican children kick their soccer ball across, run after it, entering the U.S... 1,950 mile-long open wound dividing a pueblo, a culture, running down the length of my body, staking fence rods in my flesh, splits me splits me me raja me raja This is my home this thin edge of barbwire."

The ocean has no border. The soul has no border. You cannot contain the ocean and you cannot contain your soul. You can draw lines on a map and say "this ocean is ours, and that is yours", you can push down your feelings and pretend they aren't there and you can bite your tongue and not stick up for yourself... and you can fight to push someone away and never forgive them or let them forgive you and you can build your false sense of protection... but it will explode eventually. The idea that the ocean can be contained in dotted lines on a map is silly... as is the idea that you can pretend your feelings away.

The borders we create in ourselves become us and the longer they are there, the deeper they become and it changes and becomes unaffected and unchanged and more powerful. As children, we are un-inhibited. The love of a child is endless and eternally forgiving, but it won't always be that way. Sometime between childhood and adulthood, we learn to build borders. We may think we build them to protect ourselves, but with time, our borders become cages and they hurt... they split you, they crush you, and if you let that become you then you close yourself off to a world of possibility. Reclaim yourself. Take ownership of who you are and tear down the borders within. Only then can you exceed anyone's expectations.

Acceptance is Yellow Nourishment (WARNING: Long Post)

There is something that has been on my mind lately and it all feels very deja vu-ish, so if I've already written about this, however extensively, I apologize. This is weird... I feel the need to censor myself all of a sudden. I haven't felt that for a long time, I have no idea where it came from.

Anyway.I just wanted to share something I was thinking about the other night. I was laying in bed; as you can tell by now, majority of my nuggets of beauty come to me when I'm in bed.

I'm almost 27 years old. In one week and 2 days, I will be 27 years old. I remember being 11 years old and being prompted by an adult to write down my life goals in 5 year terms. I had absolutely no perspective, haha. I didn't understand life as a series of stages... and what I wanted to complete by whatever age. All I knew is that I wanted a family. I wanted to be a young mother... not maturity-young, but bodily-young because I wanted to experience as much of this world as possible with my children. I wanted to be a younger grandmother because I wanted to experience the joy of my grandchildren... I wanted to be an active figure in the lives of my children and grandchildren. I really hoped to be a great-grandmother. I remember my friends were horrified at the idea of living to be over the age of 90... they just thought that would be miserable. Me, I wanted to see as much of history as I could and I wanted to experience it with my posterity.

I never had the goal to complete my college education by a specific age, or to begin my career at another age... I never set a time for marriage, or for family; I just hoped that I would be blessed to joy in them all for a really long time. I had friends who planned every detail of their life. When they would meet the "man of their dreams", when they would do "everything" there was in life to do... and for some of them, they've achieved their goals, but they aren't joyful... they don't like the men they married. For others, none of their goals came to be, they were the ones who planned to study abroad and then live in Europe and work for major corporations and write brilliant novels on the sides... they are the ones who are married with children and they are happy and it's beautiful to watch them in their family units.

What is the point of this post? I guess I've been feeling rather nostalgic lately. I think Nostalgia is a good thing, though if left to its own devices, it can turn into a sickening thing. Where am I today? Where have my "life-goals" led me, or not lead me to, for that matter? I am a mother, I'm an "other" kind of mother, but I'm a mother all the same. And I do take great joy in the child of my heart. He is everything I ever envisioned joy to be. I'm not married. I thought I knew what love was when I met Baby Daddy... and I was sorely wrong. I have met true love and he was/is... everything I ever hoped for in a companion. As an 11 year old girl where the world still seemed possible to navigate, I didn't anticipate my life going this way. No one ever anticipates that their future will involve placing a child for adoption. No one ever anticipates that "love" would be so hard to recognize. No 11 year old anticipates... having to start over so many times in one lifetime.

I was thinking about all of this the other night and I think, it would be quite easy to be angry about everything. Is it sad? Yes, it is. Is it frustrating? Absolutely. Is it maddening? Fur sure. Does it make life more difficult. It would be silly to say no. Where is Joy? In all of this, there is joy. In a way, I've found exactly what I hoped I'd find as an 11 year old girl, I just didn't expect joy to be dressed the way she's presented herself in my life. The only thing I wanted for my future was joy, and I knew I would find it in my family... my own children and husband... and I will find that. The joy that I've found to this point looks slightly different, but she's still been found.

The thought that came to my mind the other night as I thought on all of this was, "The greatest joys in life are compassion, endearment, originality, friendship, and acknowledgement of the past; however very painful it might have been. You are no longer there; acknowlege this. Live your life where everything, even the impossible, brings you great pleasure. This is true nourishment." I would like to replace the word pleasure with joy.

I am not afraid of the impossible. I do not run from the difficult. I am not afraid of the difficult. I have joy. My life has taught me compassion. Compassion: the sympathetic awareness of another's distress combined with the desire to alleviate it. There is joy in this because I know that all the difficulty that I've experienced has taught me to be compassionate and I am joyful in this knowledge.

Endearment is the most beautiful form of love I think that exists. Endearment: a word or act that expresses affection. Sometimes the only thing that makes the difficult bearable is a hug, the touch of someone's hand holding your's to show a sacred form of solidarity that they are with you in that moment when you need someone's compassion the most. Endearment says what no words can. I'm not afraid to comfort and show love. I used to think I was, but recent memory has shown me the exact opposite.

Originality... this one is harder to express and explain. I don't have any remorse or regret for how I've lived my life. The only things I would have changed is that the father of my son would have been a different man... a specific man I know, and that he and I would have been in a place where we could have raised our son together. I don't regret the life of my son. Given the circumstances that surrounded his birth, I don't regret that his parents are who they are. They love him like I love him and I couldn't ask for anyone better. I created life. I created a family in a different way than I ever anticipated doing so. I'm a unique kind of mother and I don't regret that. I live life through experience... not through the example of another person's life experience. I see color where others see only black and white. There is no such thing as "bad" to me, only life. Life experiences are not so easily termed as "bad" or "good". People are not so easily categorized as "bad" or "good"... and I am joyful that my life experiences have taught me that everyone deserves love, no matter how different they are from me. That may not seem like such an original concept to you, but where I come from... it's amazing how closed-minded people can be, and I say that with as much respect as can possibly be applied to that sentiment.

Friendship: the quality of being friendly; not hostile; showing kindly interest or goodwill. It's easy to be friends with someone. It's easy to be an ally when the person you are friendly towards is similar to you. It isn't easy to show friendship towards someone who has hurt you or someone you love... I'm not perfect in this. This is definitely one I need to work on, but I have been shown this kind of kindness and I'm grateful to the person who has extended their friendship towards me when, it would seem to many around them, that their "loyalties" could easily be devoted elsewhere. I hope to one day achieve this brand of kindness. Again, I'm working on it. This kind of loyal compassion brings a joy that was unrecognizable before. It's truly beautiful.

Acknowledgement. This one is self-explanatory. It takes pondering and recognition of the difficult to come to terms with the good that is there. It may be hidden extremely well, but there truly is good in all the difficult that comes. I'm grateful for my life and how it's played out. I'm grateful for the hardships I'e experienced because it's given me perspective.

Live. Definition: to continue alive; to have a life rich in experience. "To continue alive", how beautiful is that. I'm finding that there is poetry in simple statements. To continue through difficulty, not with the sense of surviving, but with the goal to live the experience. To not be afraid of the moment of trial, but to meet it and welcome it and live it. To experience experience. To not hide from the possibility of hurt, and to open yourself up again to the potential of hurt. To be grateful that you can feel. To be grateful that you are affected.

Nourishment: the state of being nourished. I'm going to take creative liberties with this one. I'd like you to, instead, think of emotional nourishment in regards to this word. I think that nourishment comes from when you no longer view a situation as, "what was done to me," but rather, "what I now know having experience [insert situation]". This is a hard one and one I'm not very good at... yet. The first step in doing this is to recognize the shift of thought. Life happens... fast. It comes at you out of nowhere, you will be going along comfortably and then something completely unexpectedly rocks your world. Nourishment does not come from turning those moments into the purpose of your life. Nourishment comes from letting them happen and continuing to live through them and after their quake. It's hard. I've only recently caught on to this... and I know where I can apply the knowledge to... it's just learning to let go of the hurt that is hard. And that's the point, there isn't anything productive about hurt. There isn't anything nourishing about hurt. Hurt is cancer. Nourishment is acceptance.

Acceptance is yellow... it is balance.

Meditative Musings

I was meditating the other day and, I'm of the impression that I need to do this more often. A little over 1 week ago, well, about 2 weeks ago, I had a day where I felt like everything that was up in the air was... possible to resolve. As of last weekend, I no longer feel as brave as I did 2 weeks ago when I felt I had made my mind up about a specific situation. I know that I am being completely ambiguous right now and I apologize for this. Please be patient with me.

Two weeks ago I felt like I had a new purpose; a new goal to direct myself towards, and I was really excited about this. As of this weekend, I feel like I'm not completely ready to move on from this "specific something". Everything is completely out of my hands right now and has been for a while now. I have no control in the outcome of this specific situation and I understand that and that's frustrating to me. It's extremely frustrating. And I don't know what to do with this new "information", if you will.

My heart has been restless since. Restless is the wrong word. My heart... has been disquieted. Do you know what the definition of 'disquiet' is? It's a transitive verb- which means that it is characterized by having or containing a direct object- anyway, disquiet is a transitive verb that means "to take away the peace or tranquillity of". My heart has been disquieted which has led to a restlessness that is not so much outwardly focused as inwardly focused... and constant. And along with this disquiet comes other emotions which are not emotions I want to feel. But, through this disquiet I understand that it's not time yet to move forward in this one situation.

Where does that leave things? Exactly where they were before I felt like I could move on, which... they were in a state of disaster. I was meditating the other day and was able, for a moment, to move beyond the disquiet and it was beautiful. I like that place, that place where it's okay that everything is out of your control because you feel connected to whatever has control over all that is happening to you. When I was done meditating, I laid in my bed and all the negativity I was feeling started creeping in again and I thought to myself, "No, not tonight" and I imagined pushing it all away from me like a pile of bricks that are in my way, and that's when the thought entered my mind, "Bless me with the knowledge to know what to do, and the strength, courage, determination, and vision to see it through."

It occurred to me afterwards that, I may not have complete control over things right now, and I may not know all that is coming my way. I may not be able to comprehend how things will resolve themselves out of the disaster that they've become; I may not feel patient enough to stand firm in the mist of this hurricane that is pulling and tearing and drowning any feeling of safety and peace I can latch on to. I may not have control like I want to, but I have strength of character to face the impossible. I have strength and courage to survive the impossible. I have determination to not give up and to see the difficult and frustrating through to the end. And I have vision and this vision allows hope to remain alive. I don't know how I've held on to Hope for so long, but she is still, very much, a part of me. My vision is hope and a quiet confidence that all will be as it should be; it may not be right now, but it will eventually be as it should be. Furthermore, my vision helps me know when I need to act and when I need to let life be; it guides me through the difficult. I may not have complete control, but I have strength, I have courage, I have determination, and I have vision; and that's enough for right now.

Hate Binds Us, Love Liberates Us

In honor of human rights day and the amazing Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., I would like to share the following quote and amazing words to live by, from a man who knew only love, regardless of the hate he was shown:

“I have decided to stick to love...Hate is too great a burden to bear.”
― Martin Luther King Jr., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches

This life is about love. Hate wastes the limited time we've been given. Hate destroys all that we claim to be. I choose not to waste any more time on hate; it does no good... to me, or to anyone else. Hate is binding. Hate binds you to the person you direct it towards. We would all do better to let go of the hate that keeps us bound to the person we feel it towards. Love is liberating. Love allows you to let go of the pain, the unjustice, the needless hurt, and the wrong that was done towards you. Liberate yourself; choose to love instead of to hate.

Meditative Musings

Familiarity can hold us back. While understanding of our current place is comforting, sometimes there is something better beyond where we are now. While we may feel like where we are is "good", sometimes stepping into the unknown can be stepping into something "better". Just because it's the unknown doesn't mean it's worse to be there than where we are now; more likely than not, it's better and where we are meant to be. Just because it's the unknown doesn't mean it's dark; it just means it's not familiar. When you've lived in dark for so long, even the light takes an adjustment to get used to.

Slam, Slam, Slam!

The last 3-4 months have been extremely difficult for me. I'm not going to go into the details, but I will let you know that every aspect of my life has been relentlessly attacked and destroyed. A brief summary, my name and integrity has been tarnished to a person I love dearly and there is nothing I can do and no words I can say to redeem myself. I'm still confused as to all that went wrong and there is nothing I can do to prove to this person that I am not the horrible creature they think I am, but that I am the person that they thought they knew all along... I'm that person. Additionally to this, my financial security and my financial credit has been ruined because of my trust in a person that really let me down in more ways than one. I co-signed on a lot for someone that I trusted and this person failed me miserably and because of it... I am in near-financial ruin... but I signed for this person and so I will deal with it and I will never have anything to do with this person again, that's for certain. I know that by even writing this post, I risk more severe judgement, but it's my turn to talk. And just recently, this past weekend, I found out that my storage unit that holds all of my belongings, was accidentally auctioned off because management had me under the wrong unit number. So, for the last 2 years, I've been paying for someone else's stuff... I literally have nothing left to lose at this point. I write this post from the lowest place I have been in 2 years.

So much anger has filled my heart lately and I... don't like the anger. So much resentment has threatened to over power me, but I tirelessly fight it... I will not let it become me. So much hurt and tears have been shed because of things that are out of my control and I am learning to trust in a higher power for redemption and relief... and it's hard to trust in something beyond yourself, but that belief and hope is literally the only things I have left. Granted, I have a job, I have a reliable car, and I have a wonderful family that has been my only true support throughout my life. I am grateful for these things. But, I've still lost everything that I own. The one thing that remained in my storage unit was the piano that has been in my family for over 100 years. I don't know what I would have done if that had also been sold at auction. Management knew someone would come back for that, so they held off on selling it.

I'm tired of the fighting. I'm tired of the blaming. I'm tired of the lying... the lying that I've told and the lying that's been done to me. I'm tired of the constant backlash of life. I'm tired of feeling like I'm getting a grasp on my life only to have slam after slam break me down. Having said all of that, I'm grateful for the difficult. It occurred to me the other night after I meditated that all of these struggles and hardships mean that I'm doing something right. That sounds crazy, so let me elaborate.

I found out about my storage unit on Saturday January 7, 2012. That night, after hours of drafting up a list of my belongings that were in my storage unit and looking up the worth of my belongings through various sources, I was exhausted with all sorts of negativity. I then shut off the lights, I got rid of all the noise around me, and I sat in the dark and focused on my breathing and with each new breath I focused on positivity and with each exhale, I pushed the negative out. I focused on where I want to go with my life... how to begin again and that I can begin again with every new day. I focused on my hope. And after about 30 minutes of this, I laid down in my bed and I cried. I cried bitterly. And when all my tears were expended... I laid there and my mind was blank. I've rarely felt that feeling of no racing thoughts... but my mind was quiet. And clear as day, the thought entered my head and I said it out loud as it came, "When trials continuously seem to slam you from every direction, take courage, it means you're doing something right. Only the adversary seeks for your destruction and he will hit you the hardest when he's afraid you are becoming stronger. And when you rise above the difficulty of these challenges, you are winning the battle."

This blog is not intended to force or promote the belief of Deity. If you don't believe in God, it's not my mission to make you believe in Him. I don't know where these words came from. They were not of my creation because I could not come up with such light for the dark I've been in the last 3 months. I know where these words came from and that's all I need to know. For whatever it's worth, I wanted to share this experience with you.

This blogs main focus is on the process of adoption. Yes, I'm a birth mother, so I speak primarily from the perspective of a birth mother. For those of you out there who are seeking to adopt and going through the trials that accompany infertility, this message is also for you. For those of you out there who are adoptees who are struggling to find the people you came from, this message is also for you. For my fellow birth mothers and birth fathers and birth families... this message is also for us. Sorrow is sorrow. Anger is anger. Hardship is hardship and it comes in thousands of forms. We all feel these things. We all house emotions we don't want anything to do with and that hurt us to feel them. We all have dark thoughts that reside in us and that we struggle to get rid of. Life comes fast and it hits hard and when it's good, it's blessed, and when it's hard, it can feel soul shattering. And when life feels like it is relentlessly slamming you down, just remember, you are stronger than what you are being delt. You can rise above it. With each new difficulty, you are slowing winning the battle. Take courage in the face of difficulty because when you come out victoriously, your life will take on a direction you never thought yourself capable of traveling and only good can come from so much dark. The dark doesn't last forever and the light will come and for the duration of the storm, you just need to hold on to what is true... and that's inside of you.

Lessons in English

I recently got rid of my home internet, and so I've found that I have loads of time on my hands lately. Even with school starting on the 9th of this month, I still feel that I will have invaluable time to focus on other projects.

I was meditating the other night... I know, that sounds weird, but it's true, I'm turning into one of "those" people. All joking aside though, once I finished meditating and laid down in my bed to go to sleep, my mind was in a calmer state and the thoughts that typically are zooming around too quickly to catch, were finally recognizable. One thought I had was to turn my pride into determination. I was so excited by this nugget of beauty that I immediately wanted to blog about it... and then I remembered I had no internet, and so I wrote it down to blog about once I found a second at my job that allowed for a break. That second is now.

It occurred to me that the actual definition of "pride" and "determination" was elusive to me. I know what they mean... in general terms, but I wanted to know what Meriam Webster says they mean and so I looked them up:
*Pride: The quality or state of being proud... ostentatious display.
-Ostentatious: Marked by... conspicuous or vainglorious and sometimes pretentious display.
--Vainglory: Vain display or show. Excessive pride especially in one's achievements.

*Determination: The act of deciding definitely and firmly; also: the result of such an act of decision.

For the longest time, I understood that pride was attributed to more of a negative quality, but I never understood why and there were times that I found I felt proud for something I accomplished accomplished but I didn't know if I should, because isn't pride bad? I've always known that I exhibit some of the more negative types of pride in my own life. I have a pride that is attached to my stubborness and it is a horrible thing. I knew that it was a horrible thing in a general sense, but now I understand fully how horrible a thing my pride can become. But I still don't think that every aspect of pride is "bad"... and I think for those times when pride isn't a "bad" thing, it's because it's become such a common-place things to refer to pride in regards to the good things in our life. Pride isn't good. So... what part of pride is good? I think there is a connection, however small, between determination and pride. The major thing that separates these two qualitites is that determination involves more action, whereas pride is, more or less, just a feeling that becomes us.

Goodness, I know that I am unleashing my full glory of nerdiness on you... this is why I'm an English major, because disection of words gets me going (nerd alert). You can have pride in your haircut. You can have pride in your grades. You can have pride in your car, but pride doesn't get you those things. Pride doesn't nurture progress. Determination brings about "something". Determination gets you the good grades. You can have pride in something that is... withering, but your pride won't provide the nourishment that "something" needs to heal and become something better than "it" already is. Determination to succeed, determination to find love, determination to nurture love, determination to make it through the difficult and downright seemingly impossible parts of life; it's a choice. Determination is a choice.

I think that determination is the good part of pride before it goes bad. I think determination gets you to that place where you know you can go and then once you're there, you believe that you'll always be there. That's where pride goes wrong. Life is progression and just because you finally got to where you were working so tirelessly to go... doesn't mean your done and there is nothing more to achieve, and that's pride; the belief that what you've got and were determined to get. will never be taken from you... or will never disappear and will always be what it currently is and so you no longer work to maintain it and it withers. That's sad.

How can we nurture what is most sacred to us and which we don't want to lose? The answer seems easier now, but only easier because I think I finally know the answer, and that's to always be determined to make whatever "it" is, better. Obviously, there is nothing easy about determination. Determination is a choice made over and over again... from day to day... from minute to minute... and even possibly from second to second, determination is a renewed choice. There is failure in pride. There is balance in determination. Let's not confuse the two.

2012 - The Year of Balance

“You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.” - Dr. Seuss "Oh, The Places You'll Go"



As you know, for every New Year, instead of setting a whole bunch of resolutions, I focus on one major theme. I've been thinking a lot about the theme for 2012 and what it is I want to accomplish and work on. I've also been thinking of the color that I want to emulate 2012 after.

I had the wonderful opportunity to go into a Junior High School on December 17, 2011 to share my story as a birth mother with 13 and 14 year olds. It was such a wonderful experience and one that I was worried about going into because I wanted to leave these kids with the message that they can do anything they want with their life and they need to make those positive goals before they got out in to the real world and life becomes more complicated. My story as a birth mother and the issues surrounding baby daddy are quite fearsome and difficult and the one thing I thought back on during my pregnancy and then the two years, so far, after placement, was all the dreams and goals I had as a 14 year old. I remember them clear as day and I hold them with a sacredness in my heart. I've been blessed to remember back to these moments and feel that their memory has renewed me again.

Looking back over the last couple of years, I've learned so much and I'm grateful for the people I came in contact with and allowed myself to love because they taught me so much about myself. A lot of the lessons have been painful, but they led me to growth and acceptance, and I am so grateful for it all. I'm currently going through a difficulty right now that was born from my own decisions, as well as the choice actions of others, that have led to the consequence I am dealing with right now. How's that for being completely ambiguous while trying to express something to you? I'm not going to go in to detail of the events that led up to my current eye-opening consequence, because that's not what this blog is about. I only mention it because I have some serious anger in my heart towards one person specifically, and so much sorrow surrounding another specific person and... I'm tired of all the anger and sorrow and I feel like I've spent so much time over the last couple of years on these two emotions and I'm exhausted with these emotions. Which brings me to my next point.

I've decided that 2012 is going to be the year where I find Balance. When I think about balance, I feel warmth. When I think back to the moments when I've felt the most tangible kind of warmth in my heart, they are associated with the way the sun warms your skin and when I think of the sun, I think of the color yellow. I've never been one to actively seek out the color yellow. I've always been more of a blue-hued child, but I'm very excited about yellow. I've done some research on yellow and this is what I found.

Yellow can represent joy and delight. Isn't that a wonderful word? Delight. In Western culture, the color yellow symbolizes summertime. If you are a believer of inner energy, the color yellow represents the 3rd chakra of the body. Chakras are energy points of the body and the 3rd chakra is located in the center part of the body; the solar plexis region. I find the correlation with the solar plexis being the center of the body and the sun being the center of our solar system quite beautiful and symbolic for what I want to find in 2012, and that is balance and a sence of a centered self. Another thing I've thought about is the yellow light of a stop light. The yellow light is the middle ground of "stop" and "go"... it's a balance between two things.

I've noticed that the general theme I've had in my life is an "all or nothing" attitude, which isn't such a good theme I've started to notice. I believe an "all or nothing" mentality is beneficial when you have a short term goal in mind. But to live your life in such a way, every day, in every action... it's not beneficial, rather, it's damaging. And that's why I'm excited for this concept of balance. I believe that with balance, comes peace, and yellow has different hues. Yellow can be overpowering like direct sunlight, or it can be peaceful like a soft ray of light. One of my favorite glimpses of nature is a ray of sunlight breaking through storm clouds. That is so symbolic for what 2012 is going to be for me. I'm ready for the joy and delight of life; for the balance and peace of life. This year is going to be a beautiful one, I can feel it already.