Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Feeling the Need to Speak

Have you ever felt like there is something inside of you that needs to speak... but you don't know what it is you need to say? I feel that way right now. Everything is beautiful in my life right now. It's like needing to take a breath when your lungs are already full of the previous breath; you aren't going to die from lack of oxygen, but the need to breathe is still there. It's bizarre. That's the best way I can describe what I feel right now, the need to speak but not knowing what for and therefore not knowing what to say.

It's been exactly seven minutes from the moment I typed that last sentence and I don't know what to say, but something needs to be said. This is maddening and yet I'm completely calm. I think the need to speak comes from the fact that it's harder to live life Red than it is to simply say, "From here on out, I'm going to live bravely and work to conquer my fears." It's easy to say those words, but it's harder to stay in place when all you want to do is run... or casually vacate the area that is causing so much apprehension, without anyone noticing your leaving.

I went to the gym last night with my brother. He is training to participate in Tough Guy and he wants me to train with him. Ideally I would train with him to participate in the event myself, but... I have other dreams I'm focusing on right now, so I just want to work out with him because he knows his stuff and is a good trainer. I'm happy that I get to work out with him because not only is it beneficial, but it will give me the opportunity to spend more time with my brother.

Last night I did an hour of cardio, simple cardio, so that he could get a feel for where I was at physically, so we know where to start. Not even 10 minutes into the work out, I was feeling extremely anxious and not wanting to continue and desperately wanting to leave. It wasn't that I thought I was going to die because I couldn't physically follow through with the workout itself. It was that I couldn't stop concentrating and focusing on all the people around me. There were so many people... everywhere. I kept darting my gaze around the gym and I could not... I could not what? I could not concentrate on myself because I was scared of all the people surrounding me.

My brother picked up on my nerves and talked me through them before he went to work out himself. I was grateful to him. After he left it was hard to not feel anxious still, but I tried to zone out to what was surrounding me. I even continued my workout with my eyes closed, as if closing my eyes would erase all the other people surrounding me. It didn't work.

And then this girl on the treadmill next to me named Melissa started talking to me. She asked how long I'd been coming to the gym and I told her this was my first time to this particular gym. She kept talking to me. She is there to get into better shape because she and her husband want to start trying for children. I told her that I usually weight train and am not a fan of cardio. I also told her about Baby Boy. She was so intrigued that I had placed him for adoption that she started asking questions about adoption and that's when it happened, that's when I finally chilled out. It was nice to be able to focus on something familiar. I talked to her for about 15 minutes about adoption until she was done with her workout.

When she left I was much calmer and I no longer noticed the people around me. Don't get me wrong, they were still there, but I no longer cared. I finally started focusing on why it was that I was there.

I want a family. I'm ready to start my family. I've found the man with whom I am going to build my family and my future with. He is wonderful and I love him and he loves me and we are excited for our future together. He is the same wonderful Mango I've spoken of before. I focused on him and I focused on our future and I focused on what kind of mother I want to be; and that woman is fearless. I should explain my interpretation of that word. Fearlesness to me is not the absence of fear itself, rather it's the presence of fear and still choosing to live your life out loud despite being surrounded by the things that you are afraid of. Fearlesness is choosing to live life especially when in the midst of the unknown.

That's the woman I want to be. That's the woman I'm learning to become. That's the kind of mother I want to be, and the kind of wife I know I can become. But, it's not just for my future family that I want to be that woman. Mostly, it's for me. I deserve to be that woman. John Lennon spoke about love being the driving force to overcome fear. He said, "There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life."

I realized last night that I did not go through everything life has thrown at me just to end up defeated and afraid. I've survived it and now it's time to live. To live is to love and I'm loved and in love. My greatest ability is to love. I can be the woman I want to become because of my ability to love. I've got this. It's in my grasp. All I need to do is take off running with it, because only then can I fly. Are these words too brave for me? Absolutely not. I've got this.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Rubix Cube Human

The following is a poem I found while looking through some old papers. It's a poem I wrote while I was dating Baby Daddy and it's extremely revealing into who I was at that time. A lot has changed since then and I'm glad for the change. I'm not proud of the woman I used to be, but I'm proud of the woman I'm becoming.

Chameleon

The many sides of me
Aren't so easy to see, but
I can be whatever
You need. A chameleon
Posing as a civilian- I'm
The one
And the million.
Heavenly irreverent,
I draw you in because
I'm your sin.
I'm charmingly disarming,
But it's not a game and
You are not my toy,
Boy. I do
not deceive-
So, believe me-
All the different parts of me are
My reality.
Fold and re-mold me,
You can even tear me
As long as you repair me.
I would bleed just to be
What it is you'd like.

Copyright: Other Mother

Saturday, January 1, 2011

The Color of 2011

For the last couple of months, I've been thinking about what color I want 2011 to emulate. This is important to me because this color will set the entire tone for the year. I've decided to go with the color red. 2010 was a year of accepting and moving forward in a natual rhythm; nothing forced and so it only seemed natural that last year's color was blue, which is the color of the ocean and water. You cannot control the flow of water, it happenes naturally and that is what I wanted for 2010.

I'm excited for 2011 and when I think about excitement I think about the color red. Red symbolizes excitement, energy, passion, love, strength, and power. Red symbolizes anything intense and passionate. That's what 2011 is going to be for me. Anything I set my mind to in 2011 I'm going to accomplish and I'm going to accomplish it with passion and excitement.

Red is bold and brazen. "Brazen", that's an interesting word. It usually caries along with it a negative connotation, like a contemptuous kind of boldness. But I like that word... brazen. To me it means something purposefully done; something done in a manner suggesting that it was meant to be done, regardless of the outcome; like taking a chance on something that is important to you, even though all the odds are stacked against you, and everyone tells you that it's impossible, but you do it anyway because you've got to at least try. How else will you know how cold the water is unless you jump in? Sure, you can tiptoe in, but that isn't always beneficial. To tip-toe is to prolong what is inevitable. I doubt I'm making any sense right now.

Red is brave and what I need in my life right now is a little bravery. Blue was the transition in to the unknown and red is the bravery to see me though to what's on the other side. Red is beautiful and bold and life needs to be lived boldly... I've learned that a life lived any other way than brave is a life empty of life. I'm ready live boldly now.

Inspiration

Last year was a year of transition and growth and slow awakening. And through all of that I learned what it is I want to do. I want to be the catalyst to affect change in young women who are in a vulnerable spot in life and at a cross-roads.

It's hard to be a girl and I've done just about everything wrong that there is to do wrong and I know what it's like to not have a clue as to who you are or the good that you are capable of doing. I know what it's like to feel unworthy of love. I know what it's like to want so badly to be accepted that you will lose your identity in order to become who it is that other's want you to become in order for you to "belong". I know what it's like to feel like you are being buried in confusion and not able to claw your way to the top... it's all head noise; you are desperately seeking oqygen only you can't make it out of the ground that is pounding down upon you. Head noise telling you that you aren't good enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, that you aren't loveable, that "if you were something other than what you are then you would be great, but you aren't so you are worthless", and that you don't deserve happiness because of the horrible things you've done. It's horrible head noise.

My mission is to teach girls experiencing all of the horrible head noise that they are worthwhile and that they don't need to be who other's want them to be in order to be deserving of love and happiness because their individual identity is sacred and no one should make them feel otherwise. I want them to know that the only person they need to worry about "belonging" with is themselves because insecurity comes from not knowing who you are or fighting against who it is you want to become, rather than who the voices say you should be.

I want them to know that love will come to them and that love accepts them and they don't have to change themselves in order to be accepted. I want them to know that their top priority is to love themselves before they let anyone else who isn't worthy of them love them. I want them to know that once they love and accept themselves that the other stuff will naturally fall in to place, they'll know who they are and they'll recognize their self worth and they won't let those who don't deserve their love abuse their love. I want them to know that anyone who tells them that they aren't good enough, pretty enough, worthy enough, loveable or deserving of love, undeserving of happiness, or just shy of greatness... that those people don't deserve their love. It's hard to be a girl, this is something I know, and if my story can help some girl recognize the lies in the head noise so that she can appreciate herslef and love herself, then that's all that matters.

I'm excited about 2011. I feel like I have been given insight to the direction I'm supposed to take and I can't wait to figure it all out. I can't wait to see what happens this year.

The Holidays

I haven't written anything for the longest time. The holidays have all come and gone and a new year is officially here and I still don't know how I feel about any of it. It's confusing. I didn't know what to expect this year with Thanksgiving, Christmas, or the New Year. Last year, rather 2009, everything was still so fresh from my baby boy's adoption that Thnaksgiving was a blur. I hardly remember it, that could be because of the pain medication I was religiously taking. Truth be told, I didn't want to be aware of Thanksgiving 2009 and I was extremely thankful for my pain meds. I'm ashamed to say that, but if this blog is anything, it's honest. My baby was born November 13, 2009 and a week or 2 later I was sitting at a table surrounded by family and eating turkey and I don't remember any of it, all I remember is that I was empty. I no longer had a child inside me and I was cold. And then Christmas came.

Christmas 2009 was even colder and I was surrounded by loved ones. My oldest sister and her husband literally took me in and welcomed me in to their home so that I wouldn't have to be alone at my apartment and I'm eternally grateful to them for that kindness. That was a spiritual Christmas for me and that was the first time in a long time that I actually felt safe... I remember that feeling very well. As a child I was obsessed with Christmas trees, but Christmas 2009 my obsession became... I sat in the livingroom every night till extremely late and I just stared at my sister's beautifully decorated Christmas tree and I wished that I was holding my son and sharing that moment with him and the longer I stared at that tree the easier it was to imagine him there with me and I never wanted to look away, afraid that the I wouldn't feel him in my arms anymore. Christmas 2009 came and went and then the New Year came.

The year 2010 came and I welcomed it eagerly, desperately seeking a new beginning and I've learned so much. I am of the opinion that 2010 was a refining year and a year of transition, transition into what, I know not, but I've got this feeling that it was in preparation for 2011 and I'm excited for 2011. The beginning of 2010 was tenuous. I had to get a grip on who it was I thought I was and I had no clue who that was quite frnakly but I knew that she was strong and willing to experience the transition and so I went with the flow. The theme color for 2010 was blue which represents water and fluidity of life and I chose that color specifically so that I would be reminded to let life happen. You can't control water, and for the most part you can't control life and I wasn't going to try to control it anymore. Spring and Summer of 2010 were beautiful and warm and full of progression and surprises... beautiful surprises. And before I knew it, Autumn came and with it... more surprises, thought these ones not beautiful or comfortable, but full of valuable lessons and potential for growth if I didn't push them away. And then Thanksgiving came.

Thanksgiving 2010... I didn't know what to expect. It was hard to be around my family because I want a family. My sibling's families are beautiful and I am blessed to know such beauty and love. It's interesting. Before I had Baby Boy it was difficult to go to family functions because I wanted what my siblings had, a family of my own, only I didn't have it and so to be surrounded by what I dreamed of but hadn't achieved was painful beyond words. And Thanksgiving 2010, again, I found myself surrounded by my wonderful sublings and their beautiful families and again, I desperately wished I had a family of my own; only this time, I felt the loss in a deeper way, a loss of knowing my son and his perfection and knowing that I couldn't offer him what he deserved... Thanksgiving was hard and I didn't expect that.

The next month passed within a moment and Christmas was here and... I... was having a hard time preparing myself to, again, be surrounded by my siblings and their gorgeous families. I sound horrible saying all of this. Please, don't for one second think that I feel resentment towards my family because I don't, I love them all dearly and would do anything for them. And that's the point I'm trying to make, I didn't expect any of these feelings to be present for the Holiday season, but they were and they were more intense than I ever thought possible... it's confusing.

And here we are, 2011 is now here and I am excited and scared at the same time. Scared might be the wrong word, perhaps apprehensive is the correct word. And yet, I feel more in control of myself going in to 2011 than I did in 2010. When 2010 came around I was barely existing. And now 2011 is here and I feel like I'm... ready to live again. I'm learning about myself and who I am. Not so much who I want to be in the sense of who I think people want me to be, but I'm learning to embrace and love the me that is me. And in case you are wondering who that is, she is a girl who is meant to shake things up which can be uncomfortable, but that's the point. Trials are meant to stretch us to the point where we can accept change in to our lives. Trials grow us for change. It's beautiful. Difficult, but beautiful and well worth the discomfort. I'm ready for it.

I love you all. Thank you for your continued support. Let's learn and grow. Let's make 2011 beautiful.