Monogamy and Keriah

This is weird because I have marriage and death on my mind at the same exact time.  And there is some anger in there as well that I have not been expecting.  I've known birth-mothers who have hated and bad-mouthed the birth-fathers of their child and I never understood that.  I haven't really spoken much about Baby Daddy on here, in detail.  And, quite frankly, I don't know if I'm going to.  We'll see.  For a long time I felt pity for Baby Daddy.  And to this day, I don't even know if he is alive.  And I don't know if I even want to know.  So, there you have it. 

Scratch that.  I just spent the last hour-and-half trying to locate him.  The last electronic imprint I can find on him is from 2010.  I also found his mug-shot from 2006, which was 2 years before I met him.  When I knew him, I didn't know he was a criminal.  I didn't know of his criminal background until he cheated on me and left me for another woman whom was already married... and pregnant with his child, it turns out.  As if that isn't enough salt in the wound, it turns out she was 3 weeks further along in her pregnancy than I was when I found out I was pregnant.  She ended up mis-carrying due to her meth use.  I learned all of that from his mother when I was seven months pregnant.  He wanted to come back to me, I told him where to go, and that was the last time I ever heard from him.  I never told him I was pregnant.  That's where I'm at right now, emotionally speaking.  I never expected to feel these feelings of anger towards him.

I am frustrated that I can't find any information about him after 2010, but I'm not frustrated for me, I'm frustrated for "my" little boy.  I hope Baby Boy will never have a desire to look up his dad, but if he does, I'm sad for him that he will most likely be led to a dead-end.  And I'm relieved that he will most likely be led to a dead-end, and sometimes... it's horrible.  Sometimes, I hope that dead-end is that his dad has passed away.  And then I feel pity again for Baby Daddy that if he is gone from this life, that he left it never knowing the beauty and light of "my" son, whom he helped to create.  And then I hate him.  I've never said that on here.  I hate him for his lies.  I hate him for his manipulation.  I hate him that he used me so poorly.  I hate him that he misled me.  And then I realize that not all the hate belongs to him, because at that time in my life, I thought that to love someone was to trust them... and I trusted him way too easily.  So, there you have it.

What do I tell Baby Boy if he ever asks about his dad? 

Then there is my job.  I work in the field of divorce.  I see divorce every day, Monday-Friday, and an occasional weekend when I have to take work home with me.  The type of work I do, I am a microscope to parents who are involved in extremely high-conflict divorce cases and who can't co-parent together and in attempts to emotionally injure the other parent, they use their children as ammunition in their war against each other.  Sometimes I find myself wondering, "What if I had told Baby Daddy?"  And then I go to work, and that question is answered as I navigate and negotiate between warring couples and advocate for their children.  My little boy... it scares me to think what his life could have been like. 

Marriage is a curious thing to me.  I want to be married so badly, it's unreal how deeply I feel this hole inside me that will only ever be filled by companionship of a husband and our beautiful children.  I'm no where near that, and that realization tinges and tingles my eyes with tears of frustration that I push back because I'm afraid to let them loose.  I have this fear that lives in the back of my head that keeps telling me that marriage doesn't last.  And that fear is mostly correct, 50% of marriages don't last.  But, 50% do.  And I want my future marriage to be part of the 50% that lasts.  But, how does that work?  And that's when the fear in the back of my head whispers loudest.  I don't trust men with me and I don't want to. 

What I want is to trust one man with me, just one.  And that man, I know he's out there and I know he is looking for what I have to offer him, and I have a lot to offer him.  But, it's getting harder to find him.  I'm not the only single girl who has noticed this.  My roommate and I talk about it all the time.  I just want something real.  Someone who can be real with me and not leave me questioning his motives and whether I'm "doing" our relationship "right", and whether or not he's going to leave me; that's my biggest fear, is to be left.  Does that make sense?  I don't know what I'm doing.  I know what I'm not going to do anymore, and that's all good to know, but when it comes to dating, I have no clue what I'm doing.

What I do know is that I've got to figure some things out about myself still.  I've come a long way, but I haven't gotten "there" yet, wherever "there" is.  I think "there" is a place where I'm content.  Content in a way that is secure.  It makes me think of Keriah.  I don't know how many of you are familiar with Keriah.  I don't know a whole lot about it, I've just been reading up on in.  From what I understand Keriah is part of Shiva, which is a week long mourning period in the Jewish culture that first-degree relatives (mom, dad, sibling) observe at the death of their loved one.  At the funeral, the mourners rend/tear an article of their clothing and they wear this same garment for the whole of Shiva.  It's believed that the practice of Keriah is rooted in a more ancient tradition of tearing at your hair and clawing at your skin during mourning, which from what I understand is forbidden in Jewish law.  But the idea is the same, it's a visual representation of extreme sorrow, while also allowing a mourner to show their anger and sadness in a physical way.  It's quite beautiful, really.  It seems honest.

I think that I'm going through an emotional rendering right now. 

That's an interesting word, "rendering".  It can mean a translation to something else.  "Translation" is also an interesting word with spiritual connotation, but the basic meaning is a change from something to something else, a transition.  I'm in this emotional bog right now where I am transitioning.  I recognize how far I've come and I'm implementing what I've learned and I'm so grateful for it all, but I also realize that there is further to go.  Baby Daddy... I've never felt anger towards him and I do now, and I think that my anger is more honest than my feelings of Zen towards him were because there was no enlightenment in my lack of anger then.  It was fake.  I didn't know how to feel about him.  I was trying to figure out how I feel about me. 

The fact that I feel the way I feel when I remember him tells me that I've got to tear through and remove the part of me that is still hurt.  I can't carry that kind of baggage into a future with a good man. 

I don't know if I've made all these connections effectively enough.  Keriah is about honesty.  It's about transition too, I believe.  It's facing the fact that you hurt and it's letting the hurt be known and seen and felt, and over the course of Shiva, experienced.  And then the mourning ends and you move forward.  I don't know how much of this anger is straight anger or masked sorrow.  That's the thing about grief is it can take a while to sort out what is what.  It's taken me nearly 4 years to realize that I have all of this inside me and that it is directly connected to Baby Daddy.  It makes sense.  It wasn't just Baby Daddy though.  It was all the guys who came before him, too.  None of them were "keepers".  I was desperate for marriage and an identity because I had no clue who I was.  I know better who I am today.

It's hard not to compare all the men I've dated.  They were all scumbags.  Truthfully, they were emotionally and physically abusive scumbags.  Today, I know a couple of guys who aren't scumbags, they are really great men.  And one of them I really want to see what will happen with because he's great.  I've talked about him recently on here.  I don't know what he thinks of me.  He's hard to read.  And I can't help but recognize that I'm probably really hard for him to read, as well.  Heck, I find myself hard to read and I'm me... so, there you have it. 

This post seems really depressing, or maybe not, I don't know.  I'm emotional right now, so it's hard to gauge how it comes across.  What I do know is that I'm not the woman I used to be and that's good, and it's also sad because I lost a lot of innocence.  But I'm stronger now than I ever was and that's a good thing.  I don't know how I will ever answer the question about Baby Daddy and that's not good enough for Baby Boy because every person, at some point in their life, wants to know where they came from.  I will learn how to answer that question because I know it will be important to Baby Boy and he deserves to know if he ever wants to know.  What I do know is that the confusing emotions I feel right now about Baby Daddy are more honest than I've ever allowed myself to feel since I met him and it's uncomfortable, but change and transition usually are, and so I'm doing it right. 

Revelation

“In the space between yes and no, there's a lifetime. It's the difference between the path you walk and the one you leave behind; it's the gap between who you thought you could be and who you really are; its the legroom for the lies you'll tell yourself in the future.” 
― Jodi Picoult, Change of Heart

Time has been on my mind lately.  Not just time, though, but also how things change.  And how in some instance time moves faster than a mountain storm in the spring.  You know, the kind of storm that you are desperate for because it washes away the last of the snow and you know that just behind the storm is the warmth?  I love storms in the spring.  Time moves the fastest when what you are experiencing is the easiest.  And the flip side of that is true, as we’ve all experienced, that time moves the slowest when you are in the most pain.  It’s in the moments of the most growth that a lifetime can be lived, the same moments that are the hardest to bear.  

I've been reminded lately of someone that I used to be.  I acutely remember the first year after Baby Boy was born.  I was a mess and I was afraid to let others see me that way.  I was more concerned about preserving the feelings of others and not scaring them with my feelings than feeling my own feelings.  Everything I felt was so confused that to even let my thoughts wander a brief moment felt like I would be drowned from the inside.  I was afraid of everything.  I didn't trust anyone.  And when I did, I put my trust in the wrong people and only more pain ensued.  It felt like the whole world was a giant injustice and I wanted to fight against all of it and so I let myself be angry.  And the source of all my anger was my fear and my hurt but I didn't want to face it because it hurt too much.  I felt abandoned and like I abandoned my baby.  Try and wrap your mind around that.  I hated myself.  I hated love.  I hated happy families.  I hated God.  I hated religion.  I hated anything that made me feel.  I lost myself in my work for all the wrong reasons.  I didn't want to be left alone.  I couldn't stand to be alone with myself because it was when I was alone that I had to be in my own company and I didn't know what to do with myself.  I smiled at the world for their benefit because I didn't want pity and so it was easier to pretend only pretending made me angrier.  I felt desperate in everything I tried to do.  I put so much pressure on myself and if I fell short of the ridiculous expectations I set for myself then I hated myself even more.  I was mean to myself.  And I believed that all that I felt (all that I've explained here) was my punishment for the rest of my life for my indiscretions against God.  And so, I resolved to just survive.  Basically, I set myself up to fail.

It’s been nearly 4 years since “my” little boy was born.  It’s been nearly 3 years since after that first year away from him.  It feels like a lifetime.  And I’m not the same person that I was during that first year.  This post is for the new birth-mothers out there and anyone else who feels like they've lost themselves.  To the birth-mothers particularly, I remember what it feels like to hear the cry of your child in the middle of the night, only to wake up and find that your child isn't there.  I remember what it feels like to feel like you are losing yourself in a grief you don’t even know how to begin to understand.  And I can tell you, that you will find yourself.  One way or another, you will find yourself. 

I think I've found myself, most of me anyways.  It’s been a long time coming.  I don’t necessarily know how it happened either because it hasn't been a smooth process.  What I do know is that trying to find myself has been a constantly active choice.  I've slipped up more than once (there was actually 2.5 years of constantly slipping).  It’s been frustrating and has felt hopeless at times.  And then something shifted and all of a sudden “it” was obvious, but still without a road map.  You just “know”.  You catch yourself in your patterns of negativity and you realize that there is a different way to do things and so you start there.  I think that one thing that people forget about the grief cycle is that it is very much a cycle and there is a rhythm to it.  And each rhythm for each person is as unique as our fingerprints.  I finally figured out my rhythm.  Once you figure out your rhythm, the next step is to actively decide whether or not you are going to let the negative part of the cycle consume you, or if you are going to consider and recognize how much softer the blow “this” time around feels.  And it does get softer.  I promise it gets softer.

I am stubborn and my stubbornness, for a long time, was something that I used against myself.  Now, I use it to help myself.  I’m compassionate.  This is something I've always been and I allowed it to be used against me (not actively allowed it, but naively and truly not knowing any better).  Finally one day I decided that I would protect and advocate for myself like I protect and advocate for others.  What does this mean?  It means that I can still be compassionate towards others but not at the expense of myself.  Another thing I've learned is to accept what “part” of a mess is mine and not the whole mess.  I still get in sticky situations with people, only now I don’t apologize for their part of it, only my own.  I think it’s easy to use our bad experiences as crutches to life.  It’s easy to tell ourselves that we can’t do something and believe it because believing in our weaknesses is always an easier alternative to fighting for the sacred “something” we find every excuse not to go for.  After placement of Baby Boy, I found every excuse not to do things.  And now, I’m trying to find the reasons why I should do things.  It’s such a simple thing to say, and a lot of you out there are probably thinking, “duh.”  But, for me this was a huge understanding.

There is no recipe for finding yourself.  I truly wish there was because I think there would be a lot less hurt in the world.  Who do you want to be?  The only difference between that person and who you think you are now, is yourself.  As much as I wanted to believe for a time that the “thing” holding me back was the choices of those who used me or hurt me, what I finally realized is that it wasn't them.  Granted, they weren't helping me, but I was allowing “them” to use me.  I now realize that I command the caliber of people I allow in my life.  Old habits die hard, but there is a reason why habits die off. 

We've all been given one lifetime to live, but in the course of our one lifetime we adapt to time and circumstance too many times to count.  And the choices we make in the most desperate of times are the ones that shape our future.  And in that way, our one lifetime can become several.  And that’s a beautiful thing if you think about it.  Our circumstances, our sorrows, our angers, our hurts, our destruction's, our negative beliefs, none of those have to be the life we choose for ourselves.  And it’s in this way that within our one lifetime we can live as many lifetimes as we choose.  The choice is yours.  You have control of it.  You command your life.  If something isn't working for you, you have the power to change it.  No one says you have to live the life you've been given by circumstance or bad choices.  You can make your life what you want it to be.  If you told me this four years ago, I wouldn't have believed you.  Four years ago, I would have told you all the reasons why that truth (making my life what I want it to be) didn't apply to me.  But, four years later, out of my greatest paradox (my greatest sorrow and achievement) I can tell those of you who are struggling with serious hurt and sorrow, that this truth- making your life what you want it to be- most definitely applies to you.  All it requires is for you to believe in yourself the way you believe in others.  That’s where it starts.  That, an patience.

The Danger of "What-if?"

I have never purposefully written a blog post about something that I disagree with in the conversation of adoption, but I'm going to now because I don't understand the logic behind this particular conversation.  I'm not going to say who posed this question/conversation because I don't want to start a fight but I feel it is important to try to address it with a sense of balance.  Someone posed the true of false question/statement: "I gave my child a different life, not necessarily a better one."  This thought has "what-if" written all over it.  

Is there a difference?  When I chose to place Baby Boy for adoption it was because at that time in my life, I had no way to provide for the both of us, therefore we would both go severely without.  That wouldn't be fair to him.  That's not to say that he didn't provide some much needed perspective for me at that time in my life when I was severely faltering around.  I lost sight of my future.  And then I found out I was pregnant and all the realizations hit me that there was no way I could provide for my son, let alone myself.  And so I had to face the hard music and I had to look at other options.  I started looking for parents who had their lives together and who were in a time in their lives where they could build a family and provide for that family.  This to me, seemed like the best/better life for my child.  And it was a different life from the one I could provide him.

This conversation continued about better vs. different and the person I was communicating with said that had someone told them at the time that they were considering placing their child for adoption that they would (in time) be in a position where they could financially afford their child and parent them, then they wouldn't have made the decision to place their child for adoption.

(cricket chirp)

Is it just me, or does that seem... I'm sorry, I am frustrated.  Duh.  If I had a magical ball or an oracle that could tell my future and it determined that I would be in a position to raise my child and not have to worry about the finances associated with raising a child and that everything would work out perfectly in time, but the first couple or four years would be really rough, then I STILL wouldn't change my decision.  Because at the time that I was struggling to do what was best for him, I would NEVER put him in a position where he would go without basic necessities for any period of time.  When I made the decision to place my child for adoption it was to offer him a different and better life than what I could offer him then, at that time.  

This isn't a question that pertains to both the present and the future at the same time.  You cannot consider this question retrospectively.  Retrospectively, if I were to consider this question, he wouldn't have a better life now whether he was with me or not.  He only knows one life, and that's the life he has.  If he had stayed with me, we would have still been struggling, and for another 2 years we would be struggling.  He would be in daycare majority of the day and majority of my monthly bring home would be paying for that daycare.  I wouldn't see him that much of the day.  His first words would be in a daycare, his first steps would be in a daycare, and he would probably have attachment issues.  The life he knows now, he has a mother who is a stay at home mom for majority of the week.  He has a father whom he adores.  He has siblings whom he loves and they love him and they are the best of friends.  He doesn't have a different life.  He has only one life and it's the one he knows and is attached to.  It's his identity.  The only way I could answer that question retrospectively is if he were to be removed from that life and put with me to experience whether or not his life is truly different or better.  Do you see what I'm saying?  

Does this mean that I don't miss him?  No.  I'm happy for him and I miss him every day of my life.  I miss him.  I love him.  I wish he was with me, but I also know that what I did was the best for him.  I will never second guess that.  The "what-if's" of life destroy.  They are meant to maim and render a person invisible and paralyzed by scenarios that don't even exist.  "My" child is safe.  He is happy.  He is loved.  He loves.  He is secure.  He has a stable home life.  He has an infectious laugh and a smile that makes you wonder what he's been doing that he's not supposed to be doing.  If that different?  No, it's what he knows.

If you are in a position where you are considering adoption for your child, commit to your decision.  Educate yourself on your options.  And never question, "what-if?" once you've made your decision.  We are in a place in history where adoption is open and that's exciting.  Do not let anyone make you feel less important than anyone else.  You are the most important person in your child's life while you are pregnant with them because you are their advocate.  You are their voice.  Whatever decision you make, make sure you are dedicated and alright with it and don't make one until you are educated on the alternative.  You have power, you have a voice, it is your decision.  The time for "what-if?" is when you are considering the future, not when you are considering the past.

Meditative Musings

I've been feeling very like... out of control lately.  And when I say out of control, I don't mean it in the way that at any moment I could do something reckless and stupid.  I mean it in the sense that... I don't feel like I have any control in my day-to-day life.  This post has so much potential to sound like a pity-party festival... and I don't mean it that way at all.  

Every day, I go to work and my actions and involvement in my cases are simply reactive to the destruction of divorced couples towards each other and their children.  Mom doesn't want to take daughters glasses to school because dad won't return daughter's cell phone to her... clearly the two aren't relevant in their solutions of each other, but daughter is getting headaches everyday because she is straining her eyes all day at school.  So, I react to that and I mediate between mom and dad to come to a productive decision... and when that doesn't happen (which is most of the time) then I talk to my boss and she issues an Order of the Court, which I draft, have her sign, and send to the parents.  And then the parent who is ordered to do something calls me up in a rage and I battle it out verbally with them for half and hour.  Nothing changes, the parents are still just as angry at each other as the day they filed for divorce, and the order only makes them more difficult to work with the next time mine and my boss' involvement becomes necessary.  I do that, Monday through Friday, every week, from 9:00 a.m. until there are no more fires to put out.  

I also assist in the divorce mediations at the office that we do daily; I draft the stipulations as agreements are made.  One of the requirements for Utah State is that divorcing couples participate in mediation before the finality of the divorce; it's more economical and less time consuming for the courts if they don't have to divide the Real Property, belongings, debts, etc.  Also, if parent time is involved and needs to be calendared, you can get something decided that is more conducive for both parents and more creative than regular statue, which the courts would order if left to them.  This past week alone, I have been at the office till 10:00 p.m. twice because of a long mediation.

On Mondays and Wednesdays, I actually leave work early to go to my classes where I talk about literature for about 2.5 hours and then I go to math... which is horrifying no matter how you look at it.  And then for the rest of the week, the time in between sleeping, work, and school... I am studying.  I don't even have time to cook... or clean... my bedroom looks like a hurricane blew through it.  For my literature classes, I am reading 2 novels a week.  I don't go to church because on Sundays is when I get most of my reading done.  I literally walk around my apartment with two books in my hands, one in each, and I switch back and forth in the reading.  I drink directly out of the milk jug... as I continue to read.  I've had too many accidents with spilled milk to count.  

It's frustrating.  I don't feel like I have time to exist.  I miss the gym.  I miss my friends.  I miss my nieces and nephews.  I miss watching movies.  I miss seeing the outdoors on the weekend.  I miss driving just for the sake of taking a drive and falling in love with the mountains.  My therapist gave me an assignment to make a list of 40  things that make me and my life worthwhile, as well as to look up at the sky everyday for 5 minutes.  I haven't done either.  The only time I see the outdoors, it's night time.  

I was really stressed about all this the other night.  I had a goal to get another 4.0 this semester, and quite frankly, I don't know if it's going to be doable.  But, I'm not going to give up.  I came to the conclusion that I need to just do it.  Just do it.  No more contemplating my schedule, no more feeling like I don't have time to invest... especially in myself.  I have put the gym off this entire semester because I didn't feel like I had the time to dedicate to it.  If it came between sleep and gym, I didn't have time for either because I've had a book glued to my face.  I've felt like I have to let one thing go in order to nurture something else and that is a horrible feeling.  I laid awake in bed making mental lists of all the had to be done.  Have you guys seen the movie "I Don't Know How She Does It"?  The part where she is talking about the science study about mothers who have children between certain ages don't get any sleep and it was unknown why that is.  Sarah Jessica Parker's character is talking about this and then she answers this unknown by stating that they don't get any sleep because they are awake all night mentalizing their lists of things that have to get done.  It's a funny movie.  That's been me this entire semester.  I lay awake at night thinking about all that needs to get done, when I should be sleeping.  This is the circular thread my mind was weaving the other night as I laid in bed stressing over how I'm going to nurture all that I want to nurture.  And then the thought entered my mind,

"There is no acclimating yourself to life, you just jump in full force and do it.  Push yourself to your limits and then push more.  Just do it!  Now is the time to go all out and live for you."

That's the answer, folks.  I know that I'm not the only one who lays awake at night with mental lists and stressing over getting everything done that needs to get done.  I know that I'm not the only one with a stressful job that feels all-consuming.  I know I'm not the only single birth-mother who is working full-time and going to school with what feels like an un-manageble credit load.  I know that I'm not the only over-weight woman out there stressing about her health and how she is going to fit exercise into her daily life.  So, what is the answer?  Instead of thinking about the process, we've got to just jump into it.  

I know this years focus is Balance and yellow.  And... jumping into it feels more Red, but analyzing every step is Blue.  And so, for this moment, jumping in is the only way to Balance out every aspect of my life that I want to nurture.  Sometimes there is Balance in jumping in full force.  There definitely isn't any Balance to nourishing only one part of your life and letting the rest go to the wayside because there isn't time enough to dedicate to it all.  Just do it.  I'm gonna just do it.