Hopeful Adoptive-Parent Spotlight: The Jones Family

I am really excited to introduce you all to the Jones family.  They are a local family and are in the process of adopting 3 sisters from Ukraine.  There story is different from the other adoption spotlights I've done on here and so the questions are different.  Arin has provided us with a lot of information, as well as links to some blogs and news stories that have been done on her family.  Read.  Enjoy.  And let's help raise funds to get these sisters back to Utah to be with their forever family.  Also, the links to Arin's blogs have some beautiful pictures of these girls.  Arin sent me some pictures but I was unable to upload/download(?) them to my blog.  The girls are beautiful and happy and truly angelic.  Enjoy!

Your story is different from all of the couples I have spotlighted so far.  You already have biological children and are trying to adopt 3 sisters from Ukraine.  When and how did you first learn about these girls?

A friend of mine had found New Horizons For Children, a christian orphan hosting charity.  She was going to be hosting a boy from Latvia for the summer.  She posted pictures of other orphans needing a host family.  She posted a picture of the two girls who we ended up hosting and I immediately felt drawn to them in the picture.  The girls are from Ukraine.  Their sister stayed behind at the orphanage.

Tell us about your experience with International Adoption?  What were your expectations going through this process?  What did you not expect going through this process that has happened?

I expected it to be expensive.  It actually hasn't been as costly to adopt three children as I originally had expected.  The second and third siblings don't cost as much as the initial sibling.  But it still is a lot of money.  We are expecting the total to be about $45,000 that we need.

I wasn't expecting that we would be spending five to six weeks in Ukraine.  I am looking forward to it, but it is a long time for us to be away from our bio children and for my husband to be away from work.  My husband is hoping to be able to be in Ukraine the whole time to help me with the girls. 

I hadn't expected the girls to be so wonderful and able to adapt to our family so well.  They just fit right in.

When was the attachment connection between you and your husband and children first achieved with these 3 beautiful sisters from Ukraine?

We had been wondering how uncomfortable the hour long drive home from the airport would be when we went to pick them up at first.  But we need not have worried about it at all.  L, the older one, connected with my kids right away and did her best to communicate.  The girls speak no English and we speak no Russian/Ukrainian!  S, the younger one, did well when I let her play Angry Birds on my kindle.  She also connected with my kids. 

We knew from the first week that the girls were so good and absolutely needed to be adopted.  The only thing I knew about their family at that point is that there were 7 siblings, the oldest a boy and the rest girls, with the two oldest being 20 and 19 - therefore too old to be adopted.  I thought we might adopt the others and just imagined that we'd have to stay home for a year with five new children because of how crazy it was adjusting to only two at that point!  But later we came to learn that two of the siblings had passed away leaving only the two girls and their sister who had been left behind at the orphanage.

The really strong attachment for me came on the 4th of July, 6 days into the experience.  We had gotten up early in the morning to go to Provo and run the 1 mile race.  My daughter was carrying a cooler by herself and L ran to catch up with her to help my daughter carry the cooler.  I just had a strong feeling come over me that we were to adopt them.  Then, during the 1 mile race, I was walking with S and my five year old son.  My son became separated from me and S held his hand bringing him to me saying, "Mama."  She was looking out for him.  I got that same strong feeling that we were to adopt them. 

Tell us about the sisters.

  L (13) is very social and friendly.  She loves music and to dance.  She is good at dancing.  L had never ridden a bike before.  She picked up on biking quickly and it became one of her favorite activities.  She also enjoyed playing the piano which she hadn't done before either.  I gave her a few lessons.  She always begged me to play the main theme music from The Phantom of the Opera on the piano!  L idolizes my daughter in law.  L was always very excited to visit her.  L cooked a couple of Ukrainian dishes for us.  She loves getting together with other people.  She is also pretty daring.

S (10) laughs a lot and is very happy.  The only time she was sad was when she fell while biking.  I loved to watch her confidence develop throughout her stay with us.  I snuggled a lot with S and she just ate it right up.  S is afraid of deep water because she had an experience when she was with her birth family where she had been let go of in waves in the ocean.  But she was brave enough to go boating and enjoyed it immensely.           

Both sisters are intuitive and help others in need.  They both fit in very well in our family.  They both are generally happy.  They both love babies.  They both loved taking baths.  One of my favorite memories was when they wondered what the button on the side of the tub was for and I told them to go ahead and push it.  They did and pratically jumped out of the tub when the water jets started!  After that they loved turning on the water jets. 

They have a sister, D (12) who had been in the hospital when the New Horizons interview team was at their orphanage.  Because the team didn't know of D's existence, D wasn't able to come.  But L and S told us that she loves to laugh like S does. Both girls feel like our own bio children to both my husband and me.  And we love their sister even without having met her because of them.

What has been the biggest struggle in preparing to adopt these girls?

A big struggle has been know that my children would be okay with the adoption of the girls.  I have talked to them and to other adoptive parents, along with praying about it.  I know that as long as my husband and I stay on top of things, that my children will be okay along with our three new ones.

At this point my biggest struggle is coming up with the money for the adoption.  We did not go into the hosting program planning to adopt.  Our hearts were open to adoption, but I had been told that the girls were practically unadoptable because of all their siblings in different institutions.  We thought that at least we could make a difference in their lives by hosting them for five weeks.  As we learned that they were adoptable we became very open to adopting them.  We hadn't saved any money for adoption.  And, in fact, we had spent a lot of money on hosting them which included paying for them to get here, taking them to the dentist and eye doctor and buying them things like suitcases, clothing, toys, etc.  But I don't have fear about raising enough money because I know 100% that this is what God wants for these girls.  I have seen the hand of God throughout this whole experience - from choosing the girls to even now  

 What is the time-frame for the completion of the adoption?

We are just about done with the home study.  At this point it should take about two-three months to be at the point where we travel to Ukraine.  We expect to be in Ukraine for about 5 1/2 weeks and then we bring the girls home!

I understand you are fundraising in order to complete the adoption of these sisters.  What type of fundraising are you doing and where can we donate?  What will the donations be covering?

We have had yard-sales, bake sales and a $10 on 10/10 fundraiser.  I have also been selling things on Facebook indoor yard-sales   We have t-shirt sales ongoing.  Currently I have been doing a Cartwheeling to Ukraine fundraiser which ends tomorrow.  There is a story behind that one.  L had a hard 1 1/2 days about a week into the trip.  My husband and I worked with her and gave her as much love as we possibly could.  She was getting through it and in the evening we took the two girls biking.  We stopped at a church parking lot where the girls proceeded to do cartwheels.  L wanted Jay to do one so he did.  I stood there watching and just knew that if I did one too, it would really help with my bonding with L.  So I channeled my inner 11-year-old and managed to do one.  It really did do wonders for L and me.  So we created a fundraiser where people pledge a certain amount per cartwheel that I manage to do in a row tomorrow.  Next week we will start a 2nd cartwheel fundraiser where people send in pictures of themselves doing cartwheels along with a $10 donation.  We will post the pictures on our Facebook page and will have several prizes for several people who get the most likes.  We will have a $12 on 12/12/12 fundraiser also. 

People can donate through the donate button on our blog:  www.tripletreasuresfromukraine.blogspot.com

Anything else you would like to add that these questions didn't cover?

I just want to add that while we still have a long way to go to raise the amount of money that we need, we have appreciated all the support that our friends, the community and total strangers are giving us.  We will be eternally grateful to them.

Do you have a blog that you would like to share with those reading this today?  If so, what is the address of your blog?

www.tripletreasuresfromukraine.blogspot.com

We have a Triple Treasures From Ukraine facebook page also at https://www.facebook.com/santaquinrecreation1?ref=ts&fref=ts#!/TripleTreasuresFromUkraine

KSL ran a story recently at http://www.ksl.com/?nid=1009&sid=22399301

The Daily Herald ran a story just before we hosted at http://www.heraldextra.com/news/local/north/pleasant-grove/families-host-orphans-hope-to-change-their-lives/article_6a4de382-12d5-5ea2-892a-bc9ed6706d2d.html

My friend, who had hosted the Latvian boy, put together a wonderful video of the girls and our family here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jf6KAkHivj0&feature=youtu.be

Perspective at Village Inn's Ladies' Room

There is something that I've been mulling over for a couple of weeks now, which is pretty new to me as I used to just blurt things out as they came to me without fully thinking through what it was I was saying or trying to say.  I was having coffee with a friend of mine and we were having one of those really great conversations where you are completely engaged in the dialogue and it is uplifting dialogue and you are learning a lot from it.  We were also laughing a lot which is always a nice thing to do.

I don't even fully remember what we were talking about, but what I do remember was visiting the ladies' room and having one of those thoughts that seemingly come out of nowhere and have massive impact of yourself as you know you.  Oddly enough, all those kinds of moments that I just described always seem to happen while I'm in a bathroom, or while I'm brushing my teeth.  

I work for a law office and so I am used to being analytical about every major piece of information that comes in to my hands.  The type of family law we primarily do is the kind that involves a lot of reading between the lines and asking the difficult questions to the stuff that doesn't add up right (yes, there is a kind of math I do relatively well with, it just doesn't involve numbers).  I analyze everything.  Outside of my employment, as an English major... I'm always analyzing the text and trying to figure out what is beneath the suggestion that are the words on the paper.  

While this analytic nature works well in my scholarly and professional worlds, it doesn't work well at all in my interpersonal world... in fact, it's been quite damaging to that world.  In the scholarly and professional worlds where I'm analytic and questioning the texts I'm given, it works because I'm supposed to find the loop-holes and pieces that contradict one another and I'm awesome at that; I've protected children from some pretty horrible situations because of my ability to really know what their parent's are saying without saying.  

But, you see, in my interpersonal world it's different.  What I learned at the Village Inn ladies' room... the thought that came out of nowhere and left me dazed and alarmed like I'm pretty sure a 2x4 to the head would impact me was that... analyzing your interpersonal relationships... it doesn't work.  You aren't supposed to look for loop-holes or confused stories when they really just don't exist in the first place.  And when you start doing that... you are weaving your own insecurities into the actions of another person.  That's the big thing I learned.  It is no secret that in my past I've been traumatically hurt.  And that word, "traumatically"... yeah, it's not an exaggeration.  

All of you out there reading this blog faithfully know of a small portion of the traumatic hurt I've faced.  But, the truth is that what you know is only the tip of that cliche iceberg; it's the result of a part of the underlying and ever invasive emotional injury.  Sheesh, that sounds so dramatic.  Maybe you all already knew this simple fact that when we analyze the actions of other's and, in doing so, only ever see the things that don't add up even if those things are creations of our own beliefs, and not actually truth... then ultimately all we are doing is weaving our insecurities in the actions of everything around us.  It's hard to trust anything when you live your life that way.  And I get that now.  For whatever reason that truth has evaded me for the longest of times, but I get it now.

That's not to say that there are people out there that don't have cause for suspicion.  But, when you place that suspicion on to someone who has only ever shown you kindness and respect and purity of love... and you let the thoughts of other's just as distrustful as you assist in tightening the weave of your own individual brand of insecurity... then it's not good.  I don't fully know what this post is.  I'm just excited about the moment of clarity I received in the ladies' room of Village Inn.  That sounds weird, but it's true.

If you could feel the quiet joy in my heart right now then I think it would explain it perfectly.  For as important as it is to ask the questions and get the answers, and be suspicious of people when it's necessary, there is no balance in doing that with everyone you meet.  Just as there is no balance in just existing in a moment that feels wrong but you don't dare understand why.  Analyzing is red, and turning a blind eye is blue... but trusting and believing in good when you've witnessed it time and again in a person, especially when that person answered the difficult questions... that's yellow.  And, yellow is joy; yellow is warmth, yellow is honesty, yellow is humility.  Yellow teaches you to imagine and believe that life and people can be good.  Yellow is your instinct telling you that it's either right or wrong, it's that part of you that knows without having to be encouraged by others.  Yellow is balance and having hope in faith is yellow.  Balance is patient and balance is peace in the instinctual.  Balance is a delicate truth that can come to us in the most unusual of places, but it comes to us regardless, even if it is the ladies' room of a family restaurant.

The Act of Meditation

I wanted to take a minute to talk to you all about meditation.  I know it all sounds horribly froo-froo, but for me it has been illuminating.  I used to think that the mind had to be completely quiet while you meditate and that the positive energy came from a quiet mind.  That's a very common misunderstanding regarding mediation.  The thoughts that you have when you meditate are very important and what you should focus on.  I also used to think that when you meditate, that you need to pull a Ram Bahadur Bomjon and meditate for months on end.  For those of you who don't know who he is, it's okay, because I didn't know who he was either.  He is nicknamed Buddha Boy because his followers believe him to be the reincarnate of Buddha himself, because his story and his devotion to meditating for months on end remind his believers of a legend about a Buddhist enlightenment... apparently from the man on whose teachings Buddhism was founded upon.  ANYWAY...

Sorry about that derailed train of thought.  The point I was going to make is that you don't have to meditate for hours on end or- Heaven help you- months on end, in order for it to have a profound effect in your life.  All it takes is 5 minutes, as often as you feel it is necessary.  I think it would be beneficial to do this every day, but I haven't gotten to that point yet.  At this point, I do it when I feel the most disconnected.  And that was the end of last week after my mid-terms... which were horrifying.  

My first class starts at 4:00 p.m. and my last class gets over at 8:45 p.m.  After which I've started going to the gym because I feel like my nerves are so... tightly wound lately.  So, I went to the gym and I hadn't been to the gym in months.  I wasn't looking forward to it because I felt like it is one more "have to do" on my growing lists of musts.  My workout was amazing and I felt like it was a time-out for me.  I wasn't expecting this change of feelings towards the workout, but it was wonderful.  I left the gym feeling decompressed and fantastically calm.

I got home that night and my room was a disaster... Hurricane Mid-term blew through the 2 previous weeks the outcome was claustrophobically disasterous.  Clothes were strewn all over, I had shirts hanging from closet doors, out of drawers, and books stacked in disaray all over the place.  It was not a zen place to be and I began to feel stress creeping back in to me.  It was then that I decided to meditate, only there wasn't a place on the floor to do so.  My bathroom was the only semi-clean place, and my jetted tub was the only fully clean place because I had just cleaned it the night before.  So, I dimmed my lights and I climbed in my tub and I drew the shower curtains shut and I meditated. 

I wanted to share the simple process I use to meditate because this blog post is all about promoting meditation.  I sat in a comfortable position with my legs crossed and my arms relaxed and my spine comfortably erect and straight.  I took some deep breaths and slowly let them out and once I felt calm and quiet, I thought of someone that I love and as I focused on this person and my love for him and I had that good feeling coursing through me I asked myself (through thought) What is it you want?  Throughout the process you want to focus on breathing in and out, slowly and deeply.  This is when you focus on your thoughts and you process through them.  This part can take as long as you need it to, there is no time limit.  Mine went like this:

-Relaxed but erect seated position
-Begin deep and slow breathing.
-Think of a person that you love.
-Continue deep and slow breathing throughout meditation.
-(Active thought): What is it I want?
-(Involuntary thought response): I want to be happy and positive.  I want to feel alive.
-(Involuntary thought): Everything is found in love.
-(Active thought): Love can't be the only answer.  I know that everything is found in love, but that alone doesn't make sense to me.  Help me understand this.
-(Involuntary thought response): The other part is acceptance.
-(Active thought): What are the connections between love and acceptance?
-(Involuntary thought response): You will find love when you accept what you cannot change.  When you accept that it is okay to not have control; there is love in the lack of control.
-(Active thought): I still don't understand.
-(Involuntary thought response): There is love to be found in your acceptance for your frailties and imperfections, acceptance for your shortcomings and desire to improve them, acceptance for the difficult, acceptance for what you can't control and in all of this to continue to love and not be angry.  (Interrupted Active thought: I need to grab a pen to write this down, I don't want to forget it).  (Interrupted Involuntary thought response:  You will remember it just fine, you will remember what you need to remember).
-(Active thought): What else do I need to do?
-(Involuntary thought response): Love God for what He deals you, love the trial and how it strengthens you, love yourself for your struggle because nothing that is worthy of this life comes without pain.  Love the pain.  Love the tears because to cry is not weak.  Love the hurt that others deal to you and love those that hurt you because they don't know any better... yet.  Love the lessons that come from all of this because that's what you came here for, the lessons you learn here are things you couldn't learn there, where you were before... the lessons here are the point of this existence, as is love.  Be grateful for the process because this is the only time ever that you'll experience it in this way.  Love yourself, truly love yourself.
-Quiet.
-Relax in your body and then open your eyes when you are ready.
-You are done.

All of this took, maybe 5 minutes.  And when I was done, I don't think I need to mention that tears were streaming down my face because they were.  I felt like I finally understood something that had been at the core of my distress for months... even years, but that I didn't know how to "fix" or make better; and this hurt hurt others and I FINALLY understood it and knew what I needed to know and do.  It was a wonderful experience and one I've been thinking back on since it happened. 

We can have profound experiences and they don't have to be built on perfection or ideal circumstances; they can happen in a darkened bathroom, while sitting in your bathtub in your sweaty gym clothes.  Meditation does not have to last hours, and it does not require a silent mind- thoughts are important to the process- and it does not have to be experienced in a zen garden.  You can meditate in your closet and still learn what you need to know.  I encourage you to try meditation for yourselves; you never know the enlightenment that may come from it.  Let me know how it goes. 

Hopeful Adoptive Family: Walker Family Spotlight

**How did you meet your spouse?  How long did you both date before you decided to get married?  How long have you been married?**

Steve and I met online actually! I was on love@aol.com (now match.com) and he was one of my "pics" of the week. My first thought when I saw his face was, "He has cheeks like mine!" I "winked" at him to let him know I thought he was cute. His profile headline was, "Are you looking for your prince?" He had me as his "pic of the week" too and had saved me under his "hot" list (lol). We emailed for about three weeks and then he called me (I was about to get my car washed and had like five minutes to talk). We had our first date on March 6, 2004 and it was an instant connection.

We wanted to start off as church buddies, since he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship. Our friendship progressed to a deeper connection and we felt like we had known each other for years, when it was only a month!

Our first date started with going to mass, then we went back to his apartment and made dinner together and then we looked through pictures and videos of his friends and family. It was the greatest date of my life.

We have been inseparable since March of 2004 until present. Steve asked me to marry him on September 17, 2005 while we were camping with some friends. We got married in the Bahamas (barefoot on the beach) on July 8, 2006. This past July we celebrated five amazing years together.

**What was the first thing you really came to appreciate about your spouse and why was that quality/characteristic important to you [if the ladies of the couple are answering this, then grab your husband's and have them answer it for you as well ;)  ]?**

I appreciate so much about Steve, it's hard to pick just one. If I did have to pick one quality/characteristic that I value most, it'd be his ability and willingness to communicate. I feel very strongly about communication being the key to all successful relationships. Steve is open, honest, and values our relationship. We don't fight. We might have a disagreement, but we always talk it out and in the end, we can agree to disagree, but we never fight. We both feel that what we have is too important and we don't sweat the small stuff.

Steve says that he appreciates my humor and ability to laugh at things. He likes that I don't take things too seriously, I'm low-maintenance, and I'm fun to be around. 

**Do you have any current family traditions that you celebrate as a family?  If so, how did these traditions begin?**

We celebrate Gus's Adoption Day (April 15) every year, as it's a very special day for us as a family. Last year we celebrated by going to a pottery place and we painted a platter and put our handprints on it. It's beautiful. Not sure what we'll do this year, but it'll be special and something we do together as a family (and just us).

We also go up to Michigan twice a year (the months always change). We go up to see my side of our family, and Gus's side of our family. We're hoping to start a tradition this year, of going up and doing a camping trip with all of my side of our family (my brothers and their families, and my parents). It should be really fun for Gus to spend great time with his cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

**If you currently have children, how many children do you have right?  Are they biological?  Are they adopted?**

We have one son, Gus. He was born on May 11, 2010 and he's adopted. He's the love of my life and the answer to so many prayers. He's special for so many reasons and is loved by all who meet him. He's got a dazzling personality and is just completely delightful to be around. He brightens each day and brings a smile to my face just thinking about him.

**If not already explained, how did you come to the decision to adopt?**

I always wanted to adopt. My mom was in an orphanage for a brief time as a child and it always perplexed me as to how she (being as amazing and wonderful as she is) could be looked over by anyone. So, it was always something I wanted to do when I was older.

When Steve and I got married and started trying to start a family, we were faced with four years of agony. I never stressed too much about it because I knew adoption was something I wanted to do anyway, but I had wanted to have biological children first and adopt second. God had a different plan.

One day after school, my room mom came to see how I was. She and I got to talking and she asked about my family and if I had any kids. I shared with her our struggle with infertility and she shared that she and her husband had adopted their youngest daughter. She gave me the name of her agency and I shared her info with Steve while we were celebrating our 3rd anniversary at the beach.

Steve wasn't ready to start the process until that October. It took him three months of praying and thinking about it before he was ready. When he was ready we started the paperwork.

**How has your experience in the world of adoption mirrored or changed your expectation of adoption?**

I didn't really know what to expect. We were told that we wouldn't be able to adopt a healthy child and to expect a child born addicted to something. We were told that we'd probably not be adopting a Caucasian child and to be prepared and ready for an interracial adoption. We were told that birth fathers are not in the picture ever... So be prepared to only deal with the birth mother.

Everything that we were told was the opposite. Our son is Caucasian (blonde hair and blue eyed), he was born to a mother who never used any drugs and didn't drink while pregnant. Our son has a birth mother and father (who are still together) and they BOTH love him and are active in his life.

I don't know if we're living the exception to the rule, but we have an incredible open adoption and hope to have something as great for the second time around.

**If you currently have children who are adopted, what is your current relationship with the birth-mothers/birth-families of your children?**

Because we live in another state from them, we don't see them as much as we'd like. That being said, we don't see our own families as much as we'd like, and we try to keep ALL sides of our family as connected to us as possible.

I think we're pretty lucky to have them as part of our family. Both sides of Gus's side of our family have welcomed us into their family, and genuinely care about us. We genuinely care about them as well.

When we head to MI, we see my side of our family, and Gus's side of our family. We include them in all aspects of our life.

Gus has a Facebook page and it's for all sides of his family. My side, Steve's side, and his biological side. They get to see pictures at the same time as everyone else.

I send weekly texts with pictures to everyone, we send presents and pictures, and they're no less important to us than our own parents. They send us gifts too and it's very sweet.

We feel so fortunate to have so many people love our son. He will never have to wonder where he comes from, what roots he has, or doubt if anyone loves him.

**If you currently have children who are adopted, do you have any traditions that their birth-mother's share in on?  If so, what are they?  (eg., my adoptive couple gives me an ornament every year with a picture of Baby Boy in it, and I love it and appreciate it so much).**

We try to make it to MI each year around his birthday so that we can celebrate his birth together (all of us) as a complete family. He got to sit on his birth mom's lap and blow out his candle last year and open presents while sitting on her lap. It was the most amazing day.

I send her something each year for Birth Mother's Day (the Saturday before Mother's Day Sunday).

Each year, just after his birthday, I make a video of pictures of Gus throughout the year. I always send her (and his birth father) a copy so they can see him change before their eyes (since they're not here to see it in person).

We send Christmas gifts. Each year I do something with his hand/foot prints and send it to them.

**How do you define open adoption?  What is open adoption to you?**

Open adoption is when everything is out in the open. There's nothing hidden and everyone is fully aware of the intentions, expectations, and realities of adoption. It's face-to-face visits, pictures, cards, letters, text messages, and correspondence that's not done through a facilitator.

To me, open adoption is everything. It's giving my child their future and their past all in one. It's making sure that when questions arise, we have a way to get answers. It's for the child COMPLETELY. It might be hard, and often it is, but ultimately, it's for the benefit of the child involved-- because THEY didn't ask to be born, and THEY didn't ask to be adopted. They deserve to have the best of all worlds... One where they know their story, they understand it, and they appreciate the choice their birth parents made for them to have the life that they have.

Anything but open adoption is cruel (in my opinion). I think there are circumstances where it's in the best interest of the child to not have a connection to their birth family, but it's still cruel to deny them the ability to know where they come from. It's cruel to deny the extended family the right to know the child that their family member decided to place for adoption.

With open adoption, everyone wins. Everyone.

**What would your ideal relationship with "your" birth-mother be, pre-placement?  (Would you like to attend Dr. appointments with her, have her to Sunday dinners, get together on a monthly basis for a movie, &etc?  How involved would you, ideally, like to be involved, &etc.)**

We're talking ideal... So in my ideal world, I'd love to attend appointments, be there when the baby is born, and have this great relationship. However, it's not ever going to happen. I'd be so afraid to get "sucked in" and committed and excited to be a mom again, and I'd worry that it'd all be gone with a change of mind. I'd be afraid that the birth mother would decide to parent and I'd be devastated that I invested so much hope in the relationship.

I almost feel like birth mothers should not "match" with a family until after the baby is born, and she's 100000% certain that placement is what she wants to do.

But in an ideal world, I'd love a birth mom to trust us, open her life to us, and connect with us. I'd love to have a birth mom share her story with us and continue with it after the baby is born. I'd love to have her be the intricate part of our family that she should be.

**If you already have adopted children, in your experience, what part of the adoption process (pre-placement, placement, post-placement) have you found to be the most important to the building of the relationship between you and the birth-mother?**

We didn't find out about Gus until May 3, 2010. We had exactly one week from the time that we were "matched" with his birth family, to when he was born. In that time, we never talked to his birth mom or dad. We only talked to her aunt (she worked with my cousin and the two of them brought us together). It was so scary to not have any details worked out, to not know what she was thinking/feeling. I was so worried that she was going to change her mind, I didn't allow myself to get attached.

I think post-placement has been where the most growth has taken place with us and his birth mother and father (more so with his birth mom). We are Facebook friends with her and share pictures and she comments on them. She's opened up more and more as more time has gone by and it's been such a blessing.

She just sent us a package with a Valentine's Day card for our family, two stuffed frogs for Gus, and then she had one of her friends (he's in art school) hand draw a picture of our family. She had it framed and sent it to us. It was so unexpected and thoughtful. Our relationship has come a long way and it's only getting better and better.

**For any young woman considering placing her child for adoption, and who is reading this right now, what do you want to say to her?**

It's so important that you follow your instincts and your heart. Don't do anything that you're not 100% comfortable doing. Deciding to place your child for adoption is the most agonizing decision you'll ever have to make, don't go into it lightly. Take the time to really determine what's most important to you and find what you think is the best possible connection with a family.

Don't let anyone pressure you into adoption. It's something that you'll always regret if you're not 100% certain. If you have doubts or hesitations, don't enter into something that will affect everyone involved. Adoption isn't for everyone, but neither is parenting.

You really need to make a list of pros and cons and trust yourself. If you decide that adoption is the right choice for your baby, go into it with an open heart, and really allow yourself to find the right people to raise your baby. Find people who will include you in your child's life. Be up front and honest, and speak your wishes.

Make sure that the family that you choose, values YOU, and isn't just saying what they think you want to hear. When you find the right family, you'll know it.

No matter what decision you make, you have to think about what's the best thing for your baby. I think OPEN adoption is the best of both worlds, but it's not for everyone. Good luck with your decision and keep an open mind. There are thousands of people looking to adopt an infant... Only one of them will be the right match for you. Decide what you'd ideally want your baby to have, and if you can't give them what they deserve, find a family who can.

Lastly, if you decide to place your baby for adoption, be PROUD of yourself. Don't beat yourself up, or think anything negative about yourself. You are ALWAYS going to be that baby's mom and whether or not your raise them, you will always be a significant part of the person that they become. The decision to place them into the arms of another person, is the most selfless thing that you can do. To decide that you cannot give your baby what you think they deserve, is the ultimate sacrifice. You should hold your head high and know that you're special, you're important, and you matter to that baby.

**Do you have a blog that you would like to share with those reading this today?  If so, what is the address of your blog?**

We do! We have an adoption blog and we're on hopingtoadopt.org and have a profile on there as well.

Here We Go Again (Our adoption blog): http://walkersadopt.blogspot.com/

Hoping to Adopt (Our profile page): http://www.hopingtoadopt.org/index.php/family/letters/448

Thank you!!!
Cathy