It's been almost 6 months since I've written. And in those 6 months, University has continued to be my main focus in life. I'm officially in the Education Program this semester and it's been awesome. I'm taking Educational Psychology, Secondary Curriculum Instruction and Assessment (CIA, tee-hee), American Foundations of Education, Exceptional Students, and Methods II in teaching English. Yep, it's a heavy workload but it's been manageable. I've been creating curriculum right and left ll semester and have been analyzing my lesson plans to learn how they've been encouraging cognitive development for the age groups they've been created for. I've been learning some really amazing things in my Educational Psychology class and some of that stuff I'm going to share on this blog because they are too good not to share.
Carol Dweck is a Psychologist who devised a theory about fixed vs. growth intelligence mindsets. She wrote a book about it called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. This entire theory is based on the concept that many students have that intelligence is something you are born with and therefore a person's intelligence is limited. So, if a student with this mindset struggles with math then they feel defeated because intelligence to them is a biological thing, therefore they will never understand math so why put in any effort? Carol Dweck says, however, that intelligence is not fixed (biological), but rather it is something that needs to be exercised and strengthened and able to grow. She did a study with students where she divided them into 2 groups. Group A was put through an intensive 8 week intervention program to boost their math scores that focused solely on teaching them study skills to help them find success in their math grades. And along with teaching Group A the study skills, she also taught them that intelligence can be expanded and that it is not fixed (biological). Group B had the same 8 week intervention program focusing on study skills, but were not taught fixed vs. growth intelligence theory. At the end of a couple of months, students from Group A (compared against students from Group B) showed improvement in their math grades. The only difference for these groups was the change in motivation that students experience in Group A because they were taught that their brain had the ability to grow in intelligence. It's quite fascinating. You can read more about this study by reading this article: http://news.stanford.edu/pr/2007/pr-dweck-020707.html
Why am I excited about this? Because this doesn't just apply to the adolescent mind. I probably didn't mention that the study Carol Dweck performed was on Jr. High students. How many times have you been faced with an experience you don't believe you can get through? I know I've faced so many of those moments that I can't count them. I want to say that I don't think that Carol Dweck's theory only applies to cognitive intelligence but also emotional intelligence. You always hear that saying, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," but what if He does? I read another blog a while back and I can't for the life of me remember the name of the blog, so just realize that this idea is not original to me. This woman, in her blog, challenged the notion that we aren't given more in this life than we can handle. But it wasn't defeatist. She ended her blog by saying, essentially, that God does give us more than we can handle, but He does so that we will learn to turn to Him and let Him carry the part that we can't. That's pretty cool. I want to add to this that I think He does give us more than we can handle, because maybe that's the point of this existence; for us to learn the valuable life lessons that we would otherwise not learn unless faced with despair, trial, hopelessness, loss, anger, and etc. That sounds depressing and I don't mean for it to. All I am saying is that just like growth intelligence mindset (cognitively speaking), I also believe that we have a growth emotional-intelligence mindset.
Those of us in the Adoption community have faced hardship, and we continue to face hardships. You know what I'm talking about. As birth-mothers and birth-fathers (they matter too), and birth-families (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.), we experience a great loss in the placement of our beloved child to another family; a family that will have complete legal authority for the child. As parents who are looking to adopt for reasons related to fertility, they've endured loss over and over again in their attempts to grow their family. I can't speak for adoptive children, because I'm not one, but I can only imagine some of the emotions they would face at different times in their lives, especially people who were placed for adoption during time-periods where adoption was closed and considered taboo. That kind of loss (for all of us) is deep and difficult to navigate, but we are navigating it and that is powerful. Don't limit yourself in the amazing things that you can accomplish, but most importantly don't doubt yourself in the emotional depth that you can achieve when you face something that feels too big. You can get through it. We all can.
Showing posts with label emotion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotion. Show all posts
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Friday, August 2, 2013
Monogamy and Keriah
This is weird because I have marriage and death on my mind at the same exact time. And there is some anger in there as well that I have not been expecting. I've known birth-mothers who have hated and bad-mouthed the birth-fathers of their child and I never understood that. I haven't really spoken much about Baby Daddy on here, in detail. And, quite frankly, I don't know if I'm going to. We'll see. For a long time I felt pity for Baby Daddy. And to this day, I don't even know if he is alive. And I don't know if I even want to know. So, there you have it.
Scratch that. I just spent the last hour-and-half trying to locate him. The last electronic imprint I can find on him is from 2010. I also found his mug-shot from 2006, which was 2 years before I met him. When I knew him, I didn't know he was a criminal. I didn't know of his criminal background until he cheated on me and left me for another woman whom was already married... and pregnant with his child, it turns out. As if that isn't enough salt in the wound, it turns out she was 3 weeks further along in her pregnancy than I was when I found out I was pregnant. She ended up mis-carrying due to her meth use. I learned all of that from his mother when I was seven months pregnant. He wanted to come back to me, I told him where to go, and that was the last time I ever heard from him. I never told him I was pregnant. That's where I'm at right now, emotionally speaking. I never expected to feel these feelings of anger towards him.
I am frustrated that I can't find any information about him after 2010, but I'm not frustrated for me, I'm frustrated for "my" little boy. I hope Baby Boy will never have a desire to look up his dad, but if he does, I'm sad for him that he will most likely be led to a dead-end. And I'm relieved that he will most likely be led to a dead-end, and sometimes... it's horrible. Sometimes, I hope that dead-end is that his dad has passed away. And then I feel pity again for Baby Daddy that if he is gone from this life, that he left it never knowing the beauty and light of "my" son, whom he helped to create. And then I hate him. I've never said that on here. I hate him for his lies. I hate him for his manipulation. I hate him that he used me so poorly. I hate him that he misled me. And then I realize that not all the hate belongs to him, because at that time in my life, I thought that to love someone was to trust them... and I trusted him way too easily. So, there you have it.
What do I tell Baby Boy if he ever asks about his dad?
Then there is my job. I work in the field of divorce. I see divorce every day, Monday-Friday, and an occasional weekend when I have to take work home with me. The type of work I do, I am a microscope to parents who are involved in extremely high-conflict divorce cases and who can't co-parent together and in attempts to emotionally injure the other parent, they use their children as ammunition in their war against each other. Sometimes I find myself wondering, "What if I had told Baby Daddy?" And then I go to work, and that question is answered as I navigate and negotiate between warring couples and advocate for their children. My little boy... it scares me to think what his life could have been like.
Marriage is a curious thing to me. I want to be married so badly, it's unreal how deeply I feel this hole inside me that will only ever be filled by companionship of a husband and our beautiful children. I'm no where near that, and that realization tinges and tingles my eyes with tears of frustration that I push back because I'm afraid to let them loose. I have this fear that lives in the back of my head that keeps telling me that marriage doesn't last. And that fear is mostly correct, 50% of marriages don't last. But, 50% do. And I want my future marriage to be part of the 50% that lasts. But, how does that work? And that's when the fear in the back of my head whispers loudest. I don't trust men with me and I don't want to.
What I want is to trust one man with me, just one. And that man, I know he's out there and I know he is looking for what I have to offer him, and I have a lot to offer him. But, it's getting harder to find him. I'm not the only single girl who has noticed this. My roommate and I talk about it all the time. I just want something real. Someone who can be real with me and not leave me questioning his motives and whether I'm "doing" our relationship "right", and whether or not he's going to leave me; that's my biggest fear, is to be left. Does that make sense? I don't know what I'm doing. I know what I'm not going to do anymore, and that's all good to know, but when it comes to dating, I have no clue what I'm doing.
What I do know is that I've got to figure some things out about myself still. I've come a long way, but I haven't gotten "there" yet, wherever "there" is. I think "there" is a place where I'm content. Content in a way that is secure. It makes me think of Keriah. I don't know how many of you are familiar with Keriah. I don't know a whole lot about it, I've just been reading up on in. From what I understand Keriah is part of Shiva, which is a week long mourning period in the Jewish culture that first-degree relatives (mom, dad, sibling) observe at the death of their loved one. At the funeral, the mourners rend/tear an article of their clothing and they wear this same garment for the whole of Shiva. It's believed that the practice of Keriah is rooted in a more ancient tradition of tearing at your hair and clawing at your skin during mourning, which from what I understand is forbidden in Jewish law. But the idea is the same, it's a visual representation of extreme sorrow, while also allowing a mourner to show their anger and sadness in a physical way. It's quite beautiful, really. It seems honest.
I think that I'm going through an emotional rendering right now.
That's an interesting word, "rendering". It can mean a translation to something else. "Translation" is also an interesting word with spiritual connotation, but the basic meaning is a change from something to something else, a transition. I'm in this emotional bog right now where I am transitioning. I recognize how far I've come and I'm implementing what I've learned and I'm so grateful for it all, but I also realize that there is further to go. Baby Daddy... I've never felt anger towards him and I do now, and I think that my anger is more honest than my feelings of Zen towards him were because there was no enlightenment in my lack of anger then. It was fake. I didn't know how to feel about him. I was trying to figure out how I feel about me.
The fact that I feel the way I feel when I remember him tells me that I've got to tear through and remove the part of me that is still hurt. I can't carry that kind of baggage into a future with a good man.
I don't know if I've made all these connections effectively enough. Keriah is about honesty. It's about transition too, I believe. It's facing the fact that you hurt and it's letting the hurt be known and seen and felt, and over the course of Shiva, experienced. And then the mourning ends and you move forward. I don't know how much of this anger is straight anger or masked sorrow. That's the thing about grief is it can take a while to sort out what is what. It's taken me nearly 4 years to realize that I have all of this inside me and that it is directly connected to Baby Daddy. It makes sense. It wasn't just Baby Daddy though. It was all the guys who came before him, too. None of them were "keepers". I was desperate for marriage and an identity because I had no clue who I was. I know better who I am today.
It's hard not to compare all the men I've dated. They were all scumbags. Truthfully, they were emotionally and physically abusive scumbags. Today, I know a couple of guys who aren't scumbags, they are really great men. And one of them I really want to see what will happen with because he's great. I've talked about him recently on here. I don't know what he thinks of me. He's hard to read. And I can't help but recognize that I'm probably really hard for him to read, as well. Heck, I find myself hard to read and I'm me... so, there you have it.
This post seems really depressing, or maybe not, I don't know. I'm emotional right now, so it's hard to gauge how it comes across. What I do know is that I'm not the woman I used to be and that's good, and it's also sad because I lost a lot of innocence. But I'm stronger now than I ever was and that's a good thing. I don't know how I will ever answer the question about Baby Daddy and that's not good enough for Baby Boy because every person, at some point in their life, wants to know where they came from. I will learn how to answer that question because I know it will be important to Baby Boy and he deserves to know if he ever wants to know. What I do know is that the confusing emotions I feel right now about Baby Daddy are more honest than I've ever allowed myself to feel since I met him and it's uncomfortable, but change and transition usually are, and so I'm doing it right.
Scratch that. I just spent the last hour-and-half trying to locate him. The last electronic imprint I can find on him is from 2010. I also found his mug-shot from 2006, which was 2 years before I met him. When I knew him, I didn't know he was a criminal. I didn't know of his criminal background until he cheated on me and left me for another woman whom was already married... and pregnant with his child, it turns out. As if that isn't enough salt in the wound, it turns out she was 3 weeks further along in her pregnancy than I was when I found out I was pregnant. She ended up mis-carrying due to her meth use. I learned all of that from his mother when I was seven months pregnant. He wanted to come back to me, I told him where to go, and that was the last time I ever heard from him. I never told him I was pregnant. That's where I'm at right now, emotionally speaking. I never expected to feel these feelings of anger towards him.
I am frustrated that I can't find any information about him after 2010, but I'm not frustrated for me, I'm frustrated for "my" little boy. I hope Baby Boy will never have a desire to look up his dad, but if he does, I'm sad for him that he will most likely be led to a dead-end. And I'm relieved that he will most likely be led to a dead-end, and sometimes... it's horrible. Sometimes, I hope that dead-end is that his dad has passed away. And then I feel pity again for Baby Daddy that if he is gone from this life, that he left it never knowing the beauty and light of "my" son, whom he helped to create. And then I hate him. I've never said that on here. I hate him for his lies. I hate him for his manipulation. I hate him that he used me so poorly. I hate him that he misled me. And then I realize that not all the hate belongs to him, because at that time in my life, I thought that to love someone was to trust them... and I trusted him way too easily. So, there you have it.
What do I tell Baby Boy if he ever asks about his dad?
Then there is my job. I work in the field of divorce. I see divorce every day, Monday-Friday, and an occasional weekend when I have to take work home with me. The type of work I do, I am a microscope to parents who are involved in extremely high-conflict divorce cases and who can't co-parent together and in attempts to emotionally injure the other parent, they use their children as ammunition in their war against each other. Sometimes I find myself wondering, "What if I had told Baby Daddy?" And then I go to work, and that question is answered as I navigate and negotiate between warring couples and advocate for their children. My little boy... it scares me to think what his life could have been like.
Marriage is a curious thing to me. I want to be married so badly, it's unreal how deeply I feel this hole inside me that will only ever be filled by companionship of a husband and our beautiful children. I'm no where near that, and that realization tinges and tingles my eyes with tears of frustration that I push back because I'm afraid to let them loose. I have this fear that lives in the back of my head that keeps telling me that marriage doesn't last. And that fear is mostly correct, 50% of marriages don't last. But, 50% do. And I want my future marriage to be part of the 50% that lasts. But, how does that work? And that's when the fear in the back of my head whispers loudest. I don't trust men with me and I don't want to.
What I want is to trust one man with me, just one. And that man, I know he's out there and I know he is looking for what I have to offer him, and I have a lot to offer him. But, it's getting harder to find him. I'm not the only single girl who has noticed this. My roommate and I talk about it all the time. I just want something real. Someone who can be real with me and not leave me questioning his motives and whether I'm "doing" our relationship "right", and whether or not he's going to leave me; that's my biggest fear, is to be left. Does that make sense? I don't know what I'm doing. I know what I'm not going to do anymore, and that's all good to know, but when it comes to dating, I have no clue what I'm doing.
What I do know is that I've got to figure some things out about myself still. I've come a long way, but I haven't gotten "there" yet, wherever "there" is. I think "there" is a place where I'm content. Content in a way that is secure. It makes me think of Keriah. I don't know how many of you are familiar with Keriah. I don't know a whole lot about it, I've just been reading up on in. From what I understand Keriah is part of Shiva, which is a week long mourning period in the Jewish culture that first-degree relatives (mom, dad, sibling) observe at the death of their loved one. At the funeral, the mourners rend/tear an article of their clothing and they wear this same garment for the whole of Shiva. It's believed that the practice of Keriah is rooted in a more ancient tradition of tearing at your hair and clawing at your skin during mourning, which from what I understand is forbidden in Jewish law. But the idea is the same, it's a visual representation of extreme sorrow, while also allowing a mourner to show their anger and sadness in a physical way. It's quite beautiful, really. It seems honest.
I think that I'm going through an emotional rendering right now.
That's an interesting word, "rendering". It can mean a translation to something else. "Translation" is also an interesting word with spiritual connotation, but the basic meaning is a change from something to something else, a transition. I'm in this emotional bog right now where I am transitioning. I recognize how far I've come and I'm implementing what I've learned and I'm so grateful for it all, but I also realize that there is further to go. Baby Daddy... I've never felt anger towards him and I do now, and I think that my anger is more honest than my feelings of Zen towards him were because there was no enlightenment in my lack of anger then. It was fake. I didn't know how to feel about him. I was trying to figure out how I feel about me.
The fact that I feel the way I feel when I remember him tells me that I've got to tear through and remove the part of me that is still hurt. I can't carry that kind of baggage into a future with a good man.
I don't know if I've made all these connections effectively enough. Keriah is about honesty. It's about transition too, I believe. It's facing the fact that you hurt and it's letting the hurt be known and seen and felt, and over the course of Shiva, experienced. And then the mourning ends and you move forward. I don't know how much of this anger is straight anger or masked sorrow. That's the thing about grief is it can take a while to sort out what is what. It's taken me nearly 4 years to realize that I have all of this inside me and that it is directly connected to Baby Daddy. It makes sense. It wasn't just Baby Daddy though. It was all the guys who came before him, too. None of them were "keepers". I was desperate for marriage and an identity because I had no clue who I was. I know better who I am today.
It's hard not to compare all the men I've dated. They were all scumbags. Truthfully, they were emotionally and physically abusive scumbags. Today, I know a couple of guys who aren't scumbags, they are really great men. And one of them I really want to see what will happen with because he's great. I've talked about him recently on here. I don't know what he thinks of me. He's hard to read. And I can't help but recognize that I'm probably really hard for him to read, as well. Heck, I find myself hard to read and I'm me... so, there you have it.
This post seems really depressing, or maybe not, I don't know. I'm emotional right now, so it's hard to gauge how it comes across. What I do know is that I'm not the woman I used to be and that's good, and it's also sad because I lost a lot of innocence. But I'm stronger now than I ever was and that's a good thing. I don't know how I will ever answer the question about Baby Daddy and that's not good enough for Baby Boy because every person, at some point in their life, wants to know where they came from. I will learn how to answer that question because I know it will be important to Baby Boy and he deserves to know if he ever wants to know. What I do know is that the confusing emotions I feel right now about Baby Daddy are more honest than I've ever allowed myself to feel since I met him and it's uncomfortable, but change and transition usually are, and so I'm doing it right.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Gratefully Aware
“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
I spend a lot of time pondering. My mind can wander and travel through time and space and back without me even realizing it. Some call this ADD, I call it awesome. Something I've been thinking a lot about is how easily bitterness can be nourished within a person. The truth is that we all experience moments in life that could change us for the better or for the worse. What is the defining difference in our experiences? What is the piece that is present in an experience changing us for the better, that is not present in an experience changing us for the worst? That's what I've been thinking about lately. When I struggled the most through my decision to place my baby boy for adoption, I used to do posts on gratitude. I haven't done a post like that for a while now. I'm going to start doing that more frequently again. And I'm starting it right here, right now.
This week, so far, I am grateful:
-For rain clouds. I am in love with rain. I love the smell of it, I love the feeling of it, I love that it can be torrential or soft and quiet. Summer has come quickly to Utah, and this week, today is the second day in a row of overcast weather. I love Utah's rain season because it is an interruption and refresher to the consistent heat.
-My cat. Dang it, she's ornery and aggressive, but she is also the cutest furry gremlin I've ever seen. She is healing from being spayed and she is such a trooper. I'm grateful that she is strong because I've grown attached to her and I want to keep her around for a while yet.
-My family. We've had our differences in the past, but no matter how opinionated and passionate we can get about our differences, I know that they will always love me and watch my back. I know people who can't say the same about their family, and so I am truly blessed for my family.
-Air conditioning. End of story. Period. It's a wonderful thing.
-Antibiotics and Modern Medicine. You remember my experience of nearly slicing my finger off? Well, it became infected and it hurt. I called the hospital and talked to them about it and was issues and antibiotic which I have now taken for 2 days. It's helped tremendously. I can't imagine living in a time where this kind of injury and infection could lead to the loss of a finger, simply because there was no medicine to counteract the infection. It really is something to think about. Two-hundred years ago, the near slicing off of my fingertip and rehabilitation from said accident could have resulted in something quite different and not good.
What is the benefit of finding silly things to be grateful for? Well, before I wrote this post I was feeling pretty aggressive. I don't like my clients. I'm not grateful for them, and at the same time I am because they are a perfect road map to me of what I want to avoid and by acting as a microscope to their lives, I know the warning signs and how to avoid what their lives have become. So, for as much as I don't like them, I'm grateful for them... in a disconnected kind of way. Their drama has put me in an aggressive mood. But, by focusing on the pleasant things of the week, for as long as it took to focus and recount them, it took me away from the drama which is pretty great.
It's simple and it's easy to forget to do, counting my blessings, but it's absolutely necessary in order to stay grounded and focused. I won't always work with these types of clients, and as crazy as it sounds, there will probably come a day where I will miss this job because of all I've learned from it and will continue to learn from it. I've noticed that with my past jobs. There have been so many days where I've said to myself, "Holy crap, self, I would so take working with drug addicts over [insert client name here]." In reality, though, my life was often threatened at my last job, so do I really miss it? Not really. As cliche as it sounds, there really is a time and a season for everything. I don't pretend to believe that our lives are pre-destined, but I do believe in a greater power, even if I don't know what to call that greater power. The choice is ours but it doesn't mean that there isn't a more supreme being who looks at what we've chosen and given us specific opportunities to make the best of it.
I'm meant to be "here" right now. You are meant to be experiencing what you are experiencing now. I realize that my saying that could ruffle some feathers because I know there are people out there who are fighting through Hell right now and it's not fair that life can be so rough. I know that feeling. But, I also know that I wouldn't be who I am now without facing those moments that hurt the most. The defining difference on whether or not I choose to be bitter or happy is in me. It's my choice. I've had moments where I've felt that to close off and be bitter would be preferable because it felt the safest at that time. I can recall when I've said to myself, "Anger becomes you, so wear it." And I did. For a while, I wore it, and I liked it. And then it didn't feel right anymore. It was my decision. Maybe it served it's purpose, or maybe it just prolonged the lesson from being learned that I ultimately ended up learning. Either way, the decision was mine. We can choose to be grateful or we can choose to be angry. The decision is as individual to us as our unique experiences. Some experiences are harder than other's, but for every person who is struggling, their experience is the worst it could be. How we come out from it all, is under our control.
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
I spend a lot of time pondering. My mind can wander and travel through time and space and back without me even realizing it. Some call this ADD, I call it awesome. Something I've been thinking a lot about is how easily bitterness can be nourished within a person. The truth is that we all experience moments in life that could change us for the better or for the worse. What is the defining difference in our experiences? What is the piece that is present in an experience changing us for the better, that is not present in an experience changing us for the worst? That's what I've been thinking about lately. When I struggled the most through my decision to place my baby boy for adoption, I used to do posts on gratitude. I haven't done a post like that for a while now. I'm going to start doing that more frequently again. And I'm starting it right here, right now.
This week, so far, I am grateful:
-For rain clouds. I am in love with rain. I love the smell of it, I love the feeling of it, I love that it can be torrential or soft and quiet. Summer has come quickly to Utah, and this week, today is the second day in a row of overcast weather. I love Utah's rain season because it is an interruption and refresher to the consistent heat.
-My cat. Dang it, she's ornery and aggressive, but she is also the cutest furry gremlin I've ever seen. She is healing from being spayed and she is such a trooper. I'm grateful that she is strong because I've grown attached to her and I want to keep her around for a while yet.
-My family. We've had our differences in the past, but no matter how opinionated and passionate we can get about our differences, I know that they will always love me and watch my back. I know people who can't say the same about their family, and so I am truly blessed for my family.
-Air conditioning. End of story. Period. It's a wonderful thing.
-Antibiotics and Modern Medicine. You remember my experience of nearly slicing my finger off? Well, it became infected and it hurt. I called the hospital and talked to them about it and was issues and antibiotic which I have now taken for 2 days. It's helped tremendously. I can't imagine living in a time where this kind of injury and infection could lead to the loss of a finger, simply because there was no medicine to counteract the infection. It really is something to think about. Two-hundred years ago, the near slicing off of my fingertip and rehabilitation from said accident could have resulted in something quite different and not good.
What is the benefit of finding silly things to be grateful for? Well, before I wrote this post I was feeling pretty aggressive. I don't like my clients. I'm not grateful for them, and at the same time I am because they are a perfect road map to me of what I want to avoid and by acting as a microscope to their lives, I know the warning signs and how to avoid what their lives have become. So, for as much as I don't like them, I'm grateful for them... in a disconnected kind of way. Their drama has put me in an aggressive mood. But, by focusing on the pleasant things of the week, for as long as it took to focus and recount them, it took me away from the drama which is pretty great.
It's simple and it's easy to forget to do, counting my blessings, but it's absolutely necessary in order to stay grounded and focused. I won't always work with these types of clients, and as crazy as it sounds, there will probably come a day where I will miss this job because of all I've learned from it and will continue to learn from it. I've noticed that with my past jobs. There have been so many days where I've said to myself, "Holy crap, self, I would so take working with drug addicts over [insert client name here]." In reality, though, my life was often threatened at my last job, so do I really miss it? Not really. As cliche as it sounds, there really is a time and a season for everything. I don't pretend to believe that our lives are pre-destined, but I do believe in a greater power, even if I don't know what to call that greater power. The choice is ours but it doesn't mean that there isn't a more supreme being who looks at what we've chosen and given us specific opportunities to make the best of it.
I'm meant to be "here" right now. You are meant to be experiencing what you are experiencing now. I realize that my saying that could ruffle some feathers because I know there are people out there who are fighting through Hell right now and it's not fair that life can be so rough. I know that feeling. But, I also know that I wouldn't be who I am now without facing those moments that hurt the most. The defining difference on whether or not I choose to be bitter or happy is in me. It's my choice. I've had moments where I've felt that to close off and be bitter would be preferable because it felt the safest at that time. I can recall when I've said to myself, "Anger becomes you, so wear it." And I did. For a while, I wore it, and I liked it. And then it didn't feel right anymore. It was my decision. Maybe it served it's purpose, or maybe it just prolonged the lesson from being learned that I ultimately ended up learning. Either way, the decision was mine. We can choose to be grateful or we can choose to be angry. The decision is as individual to us as our unique experiences. Some experiences are harder than other's, but for every person who is struggling, their experience is the worst it could be. How we come out from it all, is under our control.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
The God of Love and Fear
I just finished watching "Then She Found Me", which is a wonderful movie. It's rated "R" for language. It's got Helen Hunt, Colin Firth, Bette Midler, and Matthew Broderick in it. A main theme in this movie is adoption, from every angle. Another theme is infertility. And another theme is divorce and relationships, every kind of relationship, between families, lovers, etc. Another theme that surfaces is God and religion. It is a beautiful movie.
I haven't been religiously active for years now. There was a brief moment last year that I went to church consistently. It lasted 5 weeks. This blog post is not about what issues I may or may not have with religion, because quite frankly I haven't figured it out yet. I support my family and friends who are active in their religion. I am excited when my nieces and nephews participate in religious ordinances because it is important to them and I love them, so I support them.
There is this part in the movie where one of the main characters experiences a miscarriage after great difficulty getting pregnant in the first place and then begins the process of going through fertility treatments because of her difficulty in getting pregnant. Her birth-mother is at the appointment with her and the doctor wants to get started with the treatment and her birth-mother says to her daughter, "Do you want to pray?" and then at the doctor, "That's what she does, she prays a lot." Her daughter says she doesn't want to pray and this surprises her birth-mother who then asks the doctor if she could have a minute with her daughter. The doctor and assistant leave the room to give the patient a minute with her mother.
The birth-mother then starts asking her daughter why she doesn't feel like praying. The daughter gets defensive and gets up to leave the room to get the doctor but the birth-mother won't let her by. Holding her daughters hands she asks her for the fifth time, or so, why she won't pray at the most important moment of her life? Her daughter responds by saying something like, "Why would I trust this moment with someone I thought was..." and she stops. With tears in her eyes, crying a heart broken cry that we've all experienced at some point in our life, she says, "I thought God was loving and good... I had faith." At this point, I'm crying because watching this movie and seeing all that this character has been through, a lot of it relate-able, it was hard not to cry.
Her birth-mother responds, "What if God is difficult? What is He is awful? Even complicated?" Her daughter looks into her eyes and whispers, "like me." And the connection is made. This hit me hard. I know I've discussed religion on here before. The topic of religion is delicate and complex. It's a delicate place to be in when you know you've sinned, but from your sin comes your life's greatest accomplishment. How do you justify those feelings? It's also scary to consider trusting to someone else, anything else that could be remotely as important to you as your life's greatest lesson. And so, you just kind of go through life trusting yourself with yourself. I'm talking about being a birth-mother right now.
I could sit here and say that the reason I don't go to church is because the bishop I spoke to after I placed Baby Boy for adoption didn't handle it very well and punished me further after I had just made it through 9 months of spiritually self-refining fire. I could. Religious figures always make for a great scapegoat. I could think up a dozen issues I have and place the blame elsewhere instead of owning them as my own insecurities about religion. But really what it comes down to is that I once had faith. I once trusted that God was loving and good. Maybe that's ridiculously cliche for me to say. I mean, of all the scapegoats there ever were in the history of mankind, of course I'd be angry at God. There is no originality in that one. I get it. And maybe it's selfish of me to feel like I deserve a break. But, we've all been there. So, clearly there is enough judgment to go around in a situation such as this.
I had a dream about a baby girl the other night. I was holding this baby girl and she had raven-black hair. She was tiny. And I loved her. I could feel my love for her and it was radiating and I knew she could feel it too, even though she didn't know what it was, except that it felt safe. My entire dream consisted of me looking down into the eyes of my baby girl and being so proud of her. She was tiny and she was mine. Do you know how badly I want that? It hurts bad.
The main character of the movie ends up praying. She is Jewish and so her prayer was sung. She translates it for her birth-mother afterward because her birth-mother is not Jewish. Translated, the prayer meant: "Listen, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Listen, O Israel, the God of love and the God of fear are one."
To be human is to be a paradox. If it is human nature to be a paradox; to be awful and wonderful, to be complicated and simple, to be difficult and effortless and if we are to believe that we are creations of God, then wouldn't it make sense to believe that God is infinitely more complicated than we are? This is a huge thing for me because I have felt so much guilt about my anger towards God. And the fact that I feel guilt makes me even angrier. But, God created emotion and emotion is confusing. We know joy because we've felt sorrow. We know love because we know anger. And He created it all, so knowing that, I know he can handle my anger and desire to shut Him out right now. It's complicated. And this post could offer great offense to some of you out there; I realize this. But, if I am being honest, I don't feel safe in religion right now. And I don't trust God right now. And that's okay because God is merciful and He can handle my anger towards Him. Not many beings can handle this kind of anger, but He can. He can handle it because he is the God of love and fear. He knows the delicate difference between the two.
I haven't been religiously active for years now. There was a brief moment last year that I went to church consistently. It lasted 5 weeks. This blog post is not about what issues I may or may not have with religion, because quite frankly I haven't figured it out yet. I support my family and friends who are active in their religion. I am excited when my nieces and nephews participate in religious ordinances because it is important to them and I love them, so I support them.
There is this part in the movie where one of the main characters experiences a miscarriage after great difficulty getting pregnant in the first place and then begins the process of going through fertility treatments because of her difficulty in getting pregnant. Her birth-mother is at the appointment with her and the doctor wants to get started with the treatment and her birth-mother says to her daughter, "Do you want to pray?" and then at the doctor, "That's what she does, she prays a lot." Her daughter says she doesn't want to pray and this surprises her birth-mother who then asks the doctor if she could have a minute with her daughter. The doctor and assistant leave the room to give the patient a minute with her mother.
The birth-mother then starts asking her daughter why she doesn't feel like praying. The daughter gets defensive and gets up to leave the room to get the doctor but the birth-mother won't let her by. Holding her daughters hands she asks her for the fifth time, or so, why she won't pray at the most important moment of her life? Her daughter responds by saying something like, "Why would I trust this moment with someone I thought was..." and she stops. With tears in her eyes, crying a heart broken cry that we've all experienced at some point in our life, she says, "I thought God was loving and good... I had faith." At this point, I'm crying because watching this movie and seeing all that this character has been through, a lot of it relate-able, it was hard not to cry.
Her birth-mother responds, "What if God is difficult? What is He is awful? Even complicated?" Her daughter looks into her eyes and whispers, "like me." And the connection is made. This hit me hard. I know I've discussed religion on here before. The topic of religion is delicate and complex. It's a delicate place to be in when you know you've sinned, but from your sin comes your life's greatest accomplishment. How do you justify those feelings? It's also scary to consider trusting to someone else, anything else that could be remotely as important to you as your life's greatest lesson. And so, you just kind of go through life trusting yourself with yourself. I'm talking about being a birth-mother right now.
I could sit here and say that the reason I don't go to church is because the bishop I spoke to after I placed Baby Boy for adoption didn't handle it very well and punished me further after I had just made it through 9 months of spiritually self-refining fire. I could. Religious figures always make for a great scapegoat. I could think up a dozen issues I have and place the blame elsewhere instead of owning them as my own insecurities about religion. But really what it comes down to is that I once had faith. I once trusted that God was loving and good. Maybe that's ridiculously cliche for me to say. I mean, of all the scapegoats there ever were in the history of mankind, of course I'd be angry at God. There is no originality in that one. I get it. And maybe it's selfish of me to feel like I deserve a break. But, we've all been there. So, clearly there is enough judgment to go around in a situation such as this.
I had a dream about a baby girl the other night. I was holding this baby girl and she had raven-black hair. She was tiny. And I loved her. I could feel my love for her and it was radiating and I knew she could feel it too, even though she didn't know what it was, except that it felt safe. My entire dream consisted of me looking down into the eyes of my baby girl and being so proud of her. She was tiny and she was mine. Do you know how badly I want that? It hurts bad.
The main character of the movie ends up praying. She is Jewish and so her prayer was sung. She translates it for her birth-mother afterward because her birth-mother is not Jewish. Translated, the prayer meant: "Listen, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Listen, O Israel, the God of love and the God of fear are one."
To be human is to be a paradox. If it is human nature to be a paradox; to be awful and wonderful, to be complicated and simple, to be difficult and effortless and if we are to believe that we are creations of God, then wouldn't it make sense to believe that God is infinitely more complicated than we are? This is a huge thing for me because I have felt so much guilt about my anger towards God. And the fact that I feel guilt makes me even angrier. But, God created emotion and emotion is confusing. We know joy because we've felt sorrow. We know love because we know anger. And He created it all, so knowing that, I know he can handle my anger and desire to shut Him out right now. It's complicated. And this post could offer great offense to some of you out there; I realize this. But, if I am being honest, I don't feel safe in religion right now. And I don't trust God right now. And that's okay because God is merciful and He can handle my anger towards Him. Not many beings can handle this kind of anger, but He can. He can handle it because he is the God of love and fear. He knows the delicate difference between the two.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Radiate
On Friday, I took my first yoga class. I've wanted to take a yoga class for a couple years now but I was scared because it's something new and I didn't have someone who would be brave to go with me, and being brave alone is sometimes scary. Who am I kidding? Being brave is always scary. I don't know of too many people who think to themselves, "Gee self, you know what? Today I am going to do something that scares the wits out of me and I'm going to like it. I can't wait to traumatize myself." Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. Regardless, for 2 years now I've wanted to take a yoga class and last week I started.
I walked into the class and I was scared. The instructor came in and I introduced myself (voice cracked). She was very nice and her entire demeanor was calming, something I've always wanted to command in myself. I grabbed my mat and I set up and class started. The music was beautiful; piano/Celtic with a backdrop of thunderstorms and rain.
Mid-way through the class my legs were shaking and we were getting into more difficult poses. I started to stress out because I struggle with feeling weak and letting others see me struggling. The whole class, the instructor was encouraging the whole class. By the end of the class, I was feeling refreshed and extremely shaky. I was also tired from the week. Then this song came on that I recognized from my childhood, it was on my Celtic Moods c.d. that I would listen to when my anxiety presented itself. This song has always been a calming one for me.
We moved into a pose (I don't remember the name) where our chest was raised up towards the ceiling and the stretch was allowing for an opening of the chest and it felt wonderful. The instructor started talking about opening our heart up to possibility. She talked about being willing to receive from the world what you put into it. She talked about how the universe is here to carry us and care for us and we receive what we put into it and if all we've put in is good then there is no need for us to fear what we will receive in return. At this point, I'm maintaining the stretch and hold of the position, and I'm looking skyward, and silent tears are streaming down my face. She goes on to say, "You are worthy to receive the good you put into the world. The only one holding you back from fully opening your heart to receive the good back, is yourself. Open your heart and receive." The stream of tears cascaded down my neck and my breathing was thrown off from my attempts to not audibly cry. I'm sniffling and maintaining my pose and the entire moment was so therapeutic for me.
There is no need for me to focus on the detail of why this moment was so groundbreaking for me. For those of you who have read my posts faithfully, we've been through a lot together. Based on the comments I've received on this blog and privately, I know that some of what I've talked about has resonated deeply with you, and so I say that we have been through a lot together. It's scary to open yourself up. It's scary to believe that there is still good out there when you've been burned so many times. It's scared to hope when your individual hope has gone to battle too many times to count. That's where I've been lately. Completely devoid of the desire to open up and try again. And this yoga class has really made me think.
Every person out there, at one time or another in their life, has had the desire to be something beyond what they think they are capable of. We all, for the most part, want to impact the world in a greater way than we've been impacted by it. That goes for the good and the bad. Experience, if not analyzed, can lead to pretty destructive behavior. But, if you are able to look at your experience and know that, in reality, that difficulty was exactly what you needed, and you move forward with that understanding, then you are giving back good into the universe. The only one holding me back right now, is me. I can have the love that I've given. I can have the joy and happiness that I've inspired in others. I can. And I will. I will because I haven't given up. I thought I had, but that's the thing about Hope, she never gives up. Hope is my heart and my heart is strong and unwavering.
The instructor ended the class with a quote that is so resonant to what 2013 and the theme of pink is for me and all that this year will inspire in my life. It's by William George Jordan, from his book The Majesty of Calmness. It goes:
"The only responsibility that a man cannot evade in this life is the one he thinks of least, his personal influence. Man's conscious influence, when he is on dress parade, when he is poising to impress those around him, is woefully small. But his unconscious influence, the silent, subtle radiation of his personality, the effect of his words and acts, the trifles he never considers, is tremendous. Every moment of life he is changing, to a degree, the life of the whole world. Every man has an atmosphere which is affecting every other. So silent and unconsciously is this influence working, that man may forget that it exists. Into the hands of every individual is given the marvelous power for good or for evil, the silent, unconscious, unseen influence of his life. This is simply the constant radiation of who a man really is, not what he pretends to be. Every man, by his mere living is radiating sympathy, or sorrow, or morbidness, or cynicism, or happiness, or hope, or any of a hundred other qualities. Life is a state of constant radiation and absorption; to exist is radiate. To exist is to be the recipient of radiations" (emphasis added).
You give what you get. Karma returns 10 fold. You receive what you radiate. However you want to say it, your unconscious effort is the most influential and impactful. This is important to remember. This quote is hanging on my cork board at work where I can see it every day.
I walked into the class and I was scared. The instructor came in and I introduced myself (voice cracked). She was very nice and her entire demeanor was calming, something I've always wanted to command in myself. I grabbed my mat and I set up and class started. The music was beautiful; piano/Celtic with a backdrop of thunderstorms and rain.
Mid-way through the class my legs were shaking and we were getting into more difficult poses. I started to stress out because I struggle with feeling weak and letting others see me struggling. The whole class, the instructor was encouraging the whole class. By the end of the class, I was feeling refreshed and extremely shaky. I was also tired from the week. Then this song came on that I recognized from my childhood, it was on my Celtic Moods c.d. that I would listen to when my anxiety presented itself. This song has always been a calming one for me.
We moved into a pose (I don't remember the name) where our chest was raised up towards the ceiling and the stretch was allowing for an opening of the chest and it felt wonderful. The instructor started talking about opening our heart up to possibility. She talked about being willing to receive from the world what you put into it. She talked about how the universe is here to carry us and care for us and we receive what we put into it and if all we've put in is good then there is no need for us to fear what we will receive in return. At this point, I'm maintaining the stretch and hold of the position, and I'm looking skyward, and silent tears are streaming down my face. She goes on to say, "You are worthy to receive the good you put into the world. The only one holding you back from fully opening your heart to receive the good back, is yourself. Open your heart and receive." The stream of tears cascaded down my neck and my breathing was thrown off from my attempts to not audibly cry. I'm sniffling and maintaining my pose and the entire moment was so therapeutic for me.
There is no need for me to focus on the detail of why this moment was so groundbreaking for me. For those of you who have read my posts faithfully, we've been through a lot together. Based on the comments I've received on this blog and privately, I know that some of what I've talked about has resonated deeply with you, and so I say that we have been through a lot together. It's scary to open yourself up. It's scary to believe that there is still good out there when you've been burned so many times. It's scared to hope when your individual hope has gone to battle too many times to count. That's where I've been lately. Completely devoid of the desire to open up and try again. And this yoga class has really made me think.
Every person out there, at one time or another in their life, has had the desire to be something beyond what they think they are capable of. We all, for the most part, want to impact the world in a greater way than we've been impacted by it. That goes for the good and the bad. Experience, if not analyzed, can lead to pretty destructive behavior. But, if you are able to look at your experience and know that, in reality, that difficulty was exactly what you needed, and you move forward with that understanding, then you are giving back good into the universe. The only one holding me back right now, is me. I can have the love that I've given. I can have the joy and happiness that I've inspired in others. I can. And I will. I will because I haven't given up. I thought I had, but that's the thing about Hope, she never gives up. Hope is my heart and my heart is strong and unwavering.
The instructor ended the class with a quote that is so resonant to what 2013 and the theme of pink is for me and all that this year will inspire in my life. It's by William George Jordan, from his book The Majesty of Calmness. It goes:
"The only responsibility that a man cannot evade in this life is the one he thinks of least, his personal influence. Man's conscious influence, when he is on dress parade, when he is poising to impress those around him, is woefully small. But his unconscious influence, the silent, subtle radiation of his personality, the effect of his words and acts, the trifles he never considers, is tremendous. Every moment of life he is changing, to a degree, the life of the whole world. Every man has an atmosphere which is affecting every other. So silent and unconsciously is this influence working, that man may forget that it exists. Into the hands of every individual is given the marvelous power for good or for evil, the silent, unconscious, unseen influence of his life. This is simply the constant radiation of who a man really is, not what he pretends to be. Every man, by his mere living is radiating sympathy, or sorrow, or morbidness, or cynicism, or happiness, or hope, or any of a hundred other qualities. Life is a state of constant radiation and absorption; to exist is radiate. To exist is to be the recipient of radiations" (emphasis added).
You give what you get. Karma returns 10 fold. You receive what you radiate. However you want to say it, your unconscious effort is the most influential and impactful. This is important to remember. This quote is hanging on my cork board at work where I can see it every day.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
"Little Miss" by Sugarland
This song has been on my mind for a while. I bought this c.d. a couple of months ago and have listened to it a TON. This song is one of those songs that, for me, once I heard it, it just completely resonates with me on a deep level.
This song is for all women/girls out there- regardless of your age- who have ever given up on love, who feel like they are about to give up on life, who feel like they have to always be strong because there is no one else looking out for them. This song is for those who don't want to be seen or "worried" about anymore, who feel like no matter what they do they just make a bigger mess of things, who give everything they have to everyone else and are still lonely, and who are so exhausted because their personal best is never good enough. This song is for those who keep going and going without rest, who are taken advantage of, who have lost so much and feel like they continue to lose everything. This song is for all those who have ever been pushed to be what everyone else wants or thinks they should be and have lost themselves in the process. This song is for anyone who smiles even when they are distressed because they can never let their guard down; for those who are afraid to let people in and so they keep everyone on the outside.
For those of you who connect with what was said above and who connect to this song, you are strong. Life is hard, but we make it. All the losses you've felt will only make us appreciate when we win. For as hard as it is today, you've just got to believe that it can get better. And that's hard, but it will get better; I promise you. There is always a brand new start, a way to be reborn, and when you least expect it is when you will be ready to open up and bless the world with who you are. You are loved.
You are lovable and you just need to find those people in life who you can trust to define your love-ability. And for those who make you doubt in yourself and feel less than you are worth; you let them go and you rebuild. Don't trust your self-worth with just anybody; they have to have proven that they are deserving of it. Once you understand that you are lovable and capable of loving, then you will be able to better see who deserves to be a part of your life. You are loved. Don't doubt it, not even for a second.
Lyrics: 'Little miss "done on love", little miss "I give up", little miss "I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore". Little miss "checkered dress", little miss "one big mess", little miss "I'll take less when I always give so much more". It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win. It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it'll be alright again.
This song is for all women/girls out there- regardless of your age- who have ever given up on love, who feel like they are about to give up on life, who feel like they have to always be strong because there is no one else looking out for them. This song is for those who don't want to be seen or "worried" about anymore, who feel like no matter what they do they just make a bigger mess of things, who give everything they have to everyone else and are still lonely, and who are so exhausted because their personal best is never good enough. This song is for those who keep going and going without rest, who are taken advantage of, who have lost so much and feel like they continue to lose everything. This song is for all those who have ever been pushed to be what everyone else wants or thinks they should be and have lost themselves in the process. This song is for anyone who smiles even when they are distressed because they can never let their guard down; for those who are afraid to let people in and so they keep everyone on the outside.
For those of you who connect with what was said above and who connect to this song, you are strong. Life is hard, but we make it. All the losses you've felt will only make us appreciate when we win. For as hard as it is today, you've just got to believe that it can get better. And that's hard, but it will get better; I promise you. There is always a brand new start, a way to be reborn, and when you least expect it is when you will be ready to open up and bless the world with who you are. You are loved.
You are lovable and you just need to find those people in life who you can trust to define your love-ability. And for those who make you doubt in yourself and feel less than you are worth; you let them go and you rebuild. Don't trust your self-worth with just anybody; they have to have proven that they are deserving of it. Once you understand that you are lovable and capable of loving, then you will be able to better see who deserves to be a part of your life. You are loved. Don't doubt it, not even for a second.
"Little Miss"
by Sugarland
Lyrics: 'Little miss "done on love", little miss "I give up", little miss "I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore". Little miss "checkered dress", little miss "one big mess", little miss "I'll take less when I always give so much more". It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win. It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it'll be alright again.
It'll be alright again- I'm okay- it'll be alright again, I'm okay. It'll be alright again, I'm okay.
Little miss "do your best", little miss "never rest", little miss "be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out". Little miss "you'll go far", little miss "hide your scars", little miss "who you are is so much more than you like to talk about". It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win. It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it'll be alright again. It'll be alright again- I'm okay- it'll be alright again, I'm okay. It'll be alright again, I'm okay. Hold on, hold on, you are loved. Little miss "brand new start", little miss "do your part", little miss "big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love". It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win. It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it'll be alright again. It'll be alright again- I'm okay- it'll be alright again, I'm okay. It'll be alright again, I'm okay.'
Little miss "do your best", little miss "never rest", little miss "be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out". Little miss "you'll go far", little miss "hide your scars", little miss "who you are is so much more than you like to talk about". It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win. It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it'll be alright again. It'll be alright again- I'm okay- it'll be alright again, I'm okay. It'll be alright again, I'm okay. Hold on, hold on, you are loved. Little miss "brand new start", little miss "do your part", little miss "big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love". It's alright, it's alright, it's alright. Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win. It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it'll be alright again. It'll be alright again- I'm okay- it'll be alright again, I'm okay. It'll be alright again, I'm okay.'
Friday, May 27, 2011
Summary of My Gratitudes for 5.19.2011 to 5.26.2011
I am Grateful for:
-The song "A Day Without Rain" by Enya: I am grateful for this song because it reminds me of a time when I felt the most secure and safe.
-My friends: I am grateful for my friends (they know who they are) because of their patience and kindness and because of no matter how frustrating I can be, they still love me.
-Leaving work early: Always a nice thing to get to do.
-A night of peaceful sleep: I am grateful for that moment when you are semi-conscious and completely aware of how comfortable you are and that you get to continue being that comfortable for a while longer.
-My dad: He fixed my car and bought the parts. He has saved me thousands of dollars over the years because of his help and I am grateful for him.
-My brother: He helped my dad to fix my car. He is so easy to talk to and he gives the best hugs. I gave him a hug goodbye and when I pulled away to go home, he pulled me in closer and hugged me longer and I really needed that. I'm grateful for his love.
-A moment of tranquility: I was swimming in my apartment's pool that is outdoors and I stared up at the mountains that still have snow on them and it was odd to me to be outdoors swimming when there is still snow in the mountains. But, the longer I stared at the mountains, it was like all the tension literally washed from my body and it was a wonderful moment. I'm grateful for that moment and for my ability to recognize it for what it was.
-The sun: The sun shone bright one day and it was so warm on my skin and nurturing. It felt nurturing and it made me happy and hopeful. I focused on all those things as I walked around outside and I want to always remember that moment because it was... a soft moment, if that makes sense. I felt like I was walking in softness and it was beautiful. This is another moment I'm grateful I was able to recognize.
-Swimming lessons: My dear friend Beauty taught me how to swim better because I was pretty much only capable of the doggy paddle and I had loads of fun.I have much more fun when I swim now because I actually swim rather than just wade.
-The rain: I've complained a lot about the rain lately, but as I checked my mail one evening I got a whiff of rain mixed with dirt and the sidewalk and flowers from somewhere. I love the combination of those smells. If only that smell could be captured in perfume. I love the way the rain surrounds you and revitalizes your spirit. I am grateful for the rain for as long as it should last because I know I'll miss it when it's gone.
-Therapy sessions: I am learning so much and I'm grateful for this. I am learning how to better react to difficult situations and it has already made all the difference in the world just since this last Tuesday. I am learning I impact those I love most depending on my reactions to them. And I'm learning alternatives to some of the negative ways that I react. I don't need to control every situation and the people in it, I just need to control how I respond and there is power and peace and joy in the control of my emotions. I'm grateful to learn this.
-Birth Mothers Group: I am grateful that I felt confident to share what I've learned with the girl in group who is currently pregnant. I felt a shift of... "emotional atmosphere", if you will, from when all the other birth mom's were bombarding this girl with their opinions to when I leaned across the table towards her and calmly asked her what her biggest fear was. That was the first time anyone listened to her and I felt this quieting moment as she gathered her thoughts to answer. And every time one of the other girls would cut her off, I would bring the dialogue back to her. I felt protective of her. I wanted her to feel like she had a voice in all of this; she needs to orate her story and she needs to figure out what her voice in all of this is and I wanted her to express it, I didn't want it to be told to her. I can't explain the shift of emotion, but I felt it and I am grateful because I was able to experience where I've come from, where I currently am, and where I want to be one day all within the same moment and it was beautiful. I'm grateful for that.
-Staying late at work (on occasion): Since I've started going back to therapy and attending group, I haven't been making my 40 hours per week. One night, we all stayed late at work because we had to finish a Procedural History to file with the court by the next morning and it was kind of fun to chill out with my boss and co-worker as we drafted and re-drafted the document. I'm grateful for this moment because I haven't always seen the niceties about my job. I've complained a lot about it and so I'm grateful that I am learning to notice the good moments when they come and they come a lot more often than I've previously realized. I'm grateful for staying late at work tonight because it will get me closer to my 40 hours this week.
Focusing on the things that I am grateful for and actively looking back on each day's activities and recognizing that there is much to be grateful for each day has helped me so much this last week. I am excited to see what I learn from the next week to come.
-The song "A Day Without Rain" by Enya: I am grateful for this song because it reminds me of a time when I felt the most secure and safe.
-My friends: I am grateful for my friends (they know who they are) because of their patience and kindness and because of no matter how frustrating I can be, they still love me.
-Leaving work early: Always a nice thing to get to do.
-A night of peaceful sleep: I am grateful for that moment when you are semi-conscious and completely aware of how comfortable you are and that you get to continue being that comfortable for a while longer.
-My dad: He fixed my car and bought the parts. He has saved me thousands of dollars over the years because of his help and I am grateful for him.
-My brother: He helped my dad to fix my car. He is so easy to talk to and he gives the best hugs. I gave him a hug goodbye and when I pulled away to go home, he pulled me in closer and hugged me longer and I really needed that. I'm grateful for his love.
-A moment of tranquility: I was swimming in my apartment's pool that is outdoors and I stared up at the mountains that still have snow on them and it was odd to me to be outdoors swimming when there is still snow in the mountains. But, the longer I stared at the mountains, it was like all the tension literally washed from my body and it was a wonderful moment. I'm grateful for that moment and for my ability to recognize it for what it was.
-The sun: The sun shone bright one day and it was so warm on my skin and nurturing. It felt nurturing and it made me happy and hopeful. I focused on all those things as I walked around outside and I want to always remember that moment because it was... a soft moment, if that makes sense. I felt like I was walking in softness and it was beautiful. This is another moment I'm grateful I was able to recognize.
-Swimming lessons: My dear friend Beauty taught me how to swim better because I was pretty much only capable of the doggy paddle and I had loads of fun.I have much more fun when I swim now because I actually swim rather than just wade.
-The rain: I've complained a lot about the rain lately, but as I checked my mail one evening I got a whiff of rain mixed with dirt and the sidewalk and flowers from somewhere. I love the combination of those smells. If only that smell could be captured in perfume. I love the way the rain surrounds you and revitalizes your spirit. I am grateful for the rain for as long as it should last because I know I'll miss it when it's gone.
-Therapy sessions: I am learning so much and I'm grateful for this. I am learning how to better react to difficult situations and it has already made all the difference in the world just since this last Tuesday. I am learning I impact those I love most depending on my reactions to them. And I'm learning alternatives to some of the negative ways that I react. I don't need to control every situation and the people in it, I just need to control how I respond and there is power and peace and joy in the control of my emotions. I'm grateful to learn this.
-Birth Mothers Group: I am grateful that I felt confident to share what I've learned with the girl in group who is currently pregnant. I felt a shift of... "emotional atmosphere", if you will, from when all the other birth mom's were bombarding this girl with their opinions to when I leaned across the table towards her and calmly asked her what her biggest fear was. That was the first time anyone listened to her and I felt this quieting moment as she gathered her thoughts to answer. And every time one of the other girls would cut her off, I would bring the dialogue back to her. I felt protective of her. I wanted her to feel like she had a voice in all of this; she needs to orate her story and she needs to figure out what her voice in all of this is and I wanted her to express it, I didn't want it to be told to her. I can't explain the shift of emotion, but I felt it and I am grateful because I was able to experience where I've come from, where I currently am, and where I want to be one day all within the same moment and it was beautiful. I'm grateful for that.
-Staying late at work (on occasion): Since I've started going back to therapy and attending group, I haven't been making my 40 hours per week. One night, we all stayed late at work because we had to finish a Procedural History to file with the court by the next morning and it was kind of fun to chill out with my boss and co-worker as we drafted and re-drafted the document. I'm grateful for this moment because I haven't always seen the niceties about my job. I've complained a lot about it and so I'm grateful that I am learning to notice the good moments when they come and they come a lot more often than I've previously realized. I'm grateful for staying late at work tonight because it will get me closer to my 40 hours this week.
Focusing on the things that I am grateful for and actively looking back on each day's activities and recognizing that there is much to be grateful for each day has helped me so much this last week. I am excited to see what I learn from the next week to come.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
An Exercise in Gratitude
I started attending therapy this last week. On top of attending therapy I have also returned to the birth mother's group offered through the agency whom I placed through. It's made quite a bit of difference already. I stopped attending the groups because things with work got extremely busy but then things got to a place where I could have continued attending had I chosen to, but I didn't want to. I wanted to believe I was to a place where I had coped and dealt with everything and I was the epitome of "alright". Anyway, I have now attended to birth mother's groups and the first week I went back resulted in a flood of emotion during group. I didn't realize how much pent-up grief I had inside me. I was a mess. But, when I drove home that night I felt so much... so much more intact than I have for a long time now. Nothing changed. My sorrow was still there and I was more aware of it than in a long time and the situational circumstances that were wearing on me were still there, but I was finally paying them attention and that's what the difference was. I was recognizing what was going on. I wasn't trying to push it away, or looking for some way to mask it, I was aware of it and that recognition brought with it that feeling you get when you exhale a long exhale after a long day of difficulty because it's over, that day is over and you survived. I felt that.
At this last weeks group we talked about gratitude and how there have been studies done about people who are experiencing grief or working through trauma and during all of that, the people experiencing these hardships are more recognizing of the blessings in their life. The studies have gone on to state that, in some cases, these people recognizing the blessings and what they are grateful for benefit more from that alone than actual therapy. More studies have been conducted that have proven that people who attend therapy and don't facilitate and accept real changes in themselves will regress into the same negative patterns as early as 5 years after they attended therapy. But, the people who learn to recognize the blessings in their lives and who are grateful for those blessings benefit more long term than the ones who don't recognize the blessings. We were given a gratitude journal at group and an assignment to write down three things every day that we are grateful for that happened that day. I've decided that I am going to make this a consistent habit and that I am going to share it with all you, my dear friends.
Yesterday I was grateful that the morning divorce mediation I had to assist with ended early. I wasn't feeling ready to listen to people argue for hours on end and I didn't want to do it, but it ended after an hour and was rescheduled. That was a blessing and I am grateful for it. I was then able to make a lot of progress in my other cases.
I am grateful for understanding friends. I only have my perception of events and I was not aware that I had hurt a dear friend of mine the day before. It was brought to my attention and I felt bad, but my friends are patient and understanding and I am grateful for that. The hurt has been healed and I understand myself better and how I can come across and that is valuable knowledge to have and I have my dear friends to thank for helping me understand this. I am grateful to them.
I am grateful for Murdock my lily plant. I know that sounds silly, but he is beautiful and you look at him and he is so happy. It's been a long couple of weeks and the weather has been drizzly and depressing. I love the rain, but not when it is constant. Rather, I love the thunderstorms that hit out of nowhere and last for a bit and then go away and leave the world refreshed and then the sun comes out and it's beautiful. The rain we have had in Utah has been constant and the sun... not completely present. I came home from work yesterday and Murdock was on the table outside and he has new blossoms and he was bright against the contrast of the sky. I looked at him and my heart was happy and I smiled. I'm grateful for my lily, Murdock. I will post a picture of him. I think you'll agree that he is fantastic.
I won't post these gratitude posts every day. Instead, I will collect them throughout the week and post the highlights on a weekly basis. I can tell you today that I am already starting to recognize quicker the moments that lead to my gratitude. It's a good feeling, being grateful.
At this last weeks group we talked about gratitude and how there have been studies done about people who are experiencing grief or working through trauma and during all of that, the people experiencing these hardships are more recognizing of the blessings in their life. The studies have gone on to state that, in some cases, these people recognizing the blessings and what they are grateful for benefit more from that alone than actual therapy. More studies have been conducted that have proven that people who attend therapy and don't facilitate and accept real changes in themselves will regress into the same negative patterns as early as 5 years after they attended therapy. But, the people who learn to recognize the blessings in their lives and who are grateful for those blessings benefit more long term than the ones who don't recognize the blessings. We were given a gratitude journal at group and an assignment to write down three things every day that we are grateful for that happened that day. I've decided that I am going to make this a consistent habit and that I am going to share it with all you, my dear friends.
Yesterday I was grateful that the morning divorce mediation I had to assist with ended early. I wasn't feeling ready to listen to people argue for hours on end and I didn't want to do it, but it ended after an hour and was rescheduled. That was a blessing and I am grateful for it. I was then able to make a lot of progress in my other cases.
I am grateful for understanding friends. I only have my perception of events and I was not aware that I had hurt a dear friend of mine the day before. It was brought to my attention and I felt bad, but my friends are patient and understanding and I am grateful for that. The hurt has been healed and I understand myself better and how I can come across and that is valuable knowledge to have and I have my dear friends to thank for helping me understand this. I am grateful to them.
I am grateful for Murdock my lily plant. I know that sounds silly, but he is beautiful and you look at him and he is so happy. It's been a long couple of weeks and the weather has been drizzly and depressing. I love the rain, but not when it is constant. Rather, I love the thunderstorms that hit out of nowhere and last for a bit and then go away and leave the world refreshed and then the sun comes out and it's beautiful. The rain we have had in Utah has been constant and the sun... not completely present. I came home from work yesterday and Murdock was on the table outside and he has new blossoms and he was bright against the contrast of the sky. I looked at him and my heart was happy and I smiled. I'm grateful for my lily, Murdock. I will post a picture of him. I think you'll agree that he is fantastic.
I won't post these gratitude posts every day. Instead, I will collect them throughout the week and post the highlights on a weekly basis. I can tell you today that I am already starting to recognize quicker the moments that lead to my gratitude. It's a good feeling, being grateful.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Lots of Thinking Going on Today... and Lately... In General
This song has nothing to do with Mothers Day except for the fact that if I could put all my feelings and emotions over the last little while of my life into one piece of text, then the lyrics to this song would be what I would say.
I wish I could fix all the wrong that I've done to myself and to others. Sometimes it's easier to pretend like everything is fine and you can go along in that way for a while, but it gets exhausting. And when it becomes exhausting, that's when it's easier to run away. But, running away doesn't solve anything. I know this for a fact.
You'll make strides and then something will happen and hiccup the progress and it may not seem fair and it might involve more hearts than just your own. You might have brought on the pain all on your own or it might have involved other people. Upsets will come and how you weather the storm is the telling factor of what will come of it. You may choose to ignore it or you could face it head on. Experience has taught me that the outcome is better if you face it head on rather than pretending that everything is fine. In fact, if you face it head on, you'll get through it; rather than pushing it back to another time to resolve.
I feel beaten down and exhausted. I want to run away, but I stay. I want to hide, but I also want to live. I want to give up, but my determination won't allow for it. Life can't always be fixed. And that's part of living. One decision can alter the rest of your life and all the best intentions in the world might not fix the mess that's been made... and that's still not a good enough reason to give up. The beautiful thing about life is you can mess up all you want, but you still have the rest of your life to make it right and the lessons that come along the way make it all worthwhile because you become a better person for having experienced all of it.
Today is Mother's Day and... it's a ridiculous day created by corporations to market chocolates and flowers... it means nothing. I am a mother but no one knows that. I love my son and I gave him the best I could and that was a life with opportunity. Do I wish I could have kept him? Every second of every day I wish that I could have kept him. Did creating him alter my entire life? Completely, but I am thankful for the difference. He's made me better. Are there days when I want to give up and run away? All the time.
This song has nothing to do with Mother's Day... but, it sums up all that I want to say right now.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Babies on my Mind
It's interesting. I am so baby hungry. Truth be told, I've been baby hungry since Baby Boy was four or five months old. Motherhood is a complicated thing... beyond that "birth-motherhood" is an even more complicated thing. As a birthmother, you take joy and pride in your creation... the most beautiful creation you've ever accomplished... but you observe from a distance. My eyes are watering right now. I can't describe in words what my heart feels. My son is beautiful and perfect, but he is no longer mine. To be honest, I'm surprised by these feelings. And, I think... I know I've mentioned it in previous posts that... when these feelings hit is anyone's guess. And these feelings are hitting me again and they've come out of nowhere.
This time isn't like the last time these feelings struck. The last time they hit, the emotion was easy to recognize because it was pure sorrow mixed with quiet reflection. This time... it's confusing. I want a baby really bad. But, not just to have a baby. I'm not taking on, or promoting, the ideology that if I had a baby my life would be perfect and no longer filled with "the stuff of life" that makes life sometimes difficult to swallow. A baby is not a fix all. I want a baby because I want to start my family. There are children that are meant to be with me and I want to get them here. Just as Baby Boy was not meant to be with me... there are children who are meant to be with me and I am so excited to meet them and be with them. It's just a matter of timing. I've never been good with my life's timing and I've learned that a lot of it is based on patience... and I'm more patient now than I used to be. But patience is still hard to digest when you know the beauty that is to come.
I am in love with an amazing man and he is in love with me and we often talk about our future family and how excited we are to meet our children. He is wonderful. This is the same Mango I've always talked about. I am a lucky girl to know his love. Together, he and I are going to create a beautiful family... but, it's going to take some time and patience to get there. We are both working on our individual stuff with a united front for a common goal. That common goal is marriage to each other and it's going to take some time and that is fine. I've got time. I don't know what the common thread of this post is. I've just been sitting in my office at work today and the only thing I can think about is my future family.
I stood at the window and let the warmth of the sun flood in upon me and it was wonderful; it was the first solid stream of sun Utah's had for weeks now and it was greatly appreciated. And as I stood there, I imagined this little girl with long hair and she is shy and her presence is like the warmth of a ray of sun... peaceful, enveloping, and quiet. And... it sounds crazy, but that little girl is mine. She's mine. I can't describe how I know this, but I do and I can't wait to meet her. It's going to take some time and that is fine. I can be patient when I know that the outcome is as beautiful as the sun. I am baby hungry, but this time I'm going to do it right.
This time isn't like the last time these feelings struck. The last time they hit, the emotion was easy to recognize because it was pure sorrow mixed with quiet reflection. This time... it's confusing. I want a baby really bad. But, not just to have a baby. I'm not taking on, or promoting, the ideology that if I had a baby my life would be perfect and no longer filled with "the stuff of life" that makes life sometimes difficult to swallow. A baby is not a fix all. I want a baby because I want to start my family. There are children that are meant to be with me and I want to get them here. Just as Baby Boy was not meant to be with me... there are children who are meant to be with me and I am so excited to meet them and be with them. It's just a matter of timing. I've never been good with my life's timing and I've learned that a lot of it is based on patience... and I'm more patient now than I used to be. But patience is still hard to digest when you know the beauty that is to come.
I am in love with an amazing man and he is in love with me and we often talk about our future family and how excited we are to meet our children. He is wonderful. This is the same Mango I've always talked about. I am a lucky girl to know his love. Together, he and I are going to create a beautiful family... but, it's going to take some time and patience to get there. We are both working on our individual stuff with a united front for a common goal. That common goal is marriage to each other and it's going to take some time and that is fine. I've got time. I don't know what the common thread of this post is. I've just been sitting in my office at work today and the only thing I can think about is my future family.
I stood at the window and let the warmth of the sun flood in upon me and it was wonderful; it was the first solid stream of sun Utah's had for weeks now and it was greatly appreciated. And as I stood there, I imagined this little girl with long hair and she is shy and her presence is like the warmth of a ray of sun... peaceful, enveloping, and quiet. And... it sounds crazy, but that little girl is mine. She's mine. I can't describe how I know this, but I do and I can't wait to meet her. It's going to take some time and that is fine. I can be patient when I know that the outcome is as beautiful as the sun. I am baby hungry, but this time I'm going to do it right.
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