Pink Vulnerability

I've been on a mission the last little while to understand vulnerability.  It's something I've all felt countless times in my life and that I believe is absolutely necessary in growing lasting relationships.  But, it can also be devastating when shared inappropriately.  So, where is the balance?  And what does this have to do with the Year of Pink?  Hopefully, that will all come across in the post below.  This is a bit of a free-write for me.

Another word I think of synonymous with vulnerability is victimization.  For a long time I couldn't separate these two very different words.  I think that there is a chronic error in society today that confuses what vulnerability is and how it should be expressed.  With social network sites like Facebook, it's easy to have complete transparency to your life, especially with GPS in smartphones, every movement you make can be closely monitored.  And the over-sharing information is shockingly accepted.

I know that in terms of my own life experiences, I have historically opened myself up (making myself vulnerable) to unnecessary hurt because I thought that by trusting [enter multiple names here] without knowing much about them and taking them for face-value, I would get on a "real level" with the other person.    That's a huge oversight.  That's the way I thought relationships were supposed to happen.  I recognize now that I opened myself up without completely understanding of the true intentions of others.  I was really naive.  And it hurt, a lot.  And it's a cycle, folks.  I did this over and over and over again, not fully understanding the hurt that my own actions were causing me.  And because I didn't see my "part" in any of it, I started to believe that maybe it wasn't worth it to trust people, because horrible things kept happening to me.  And for a really long time, I was in this emotional place where I just thought that the problem was everyone else's.  "Why would [enter multiple names here] treat me like that?  I would never treat someone like that.  Why does this keep happening to me?"  I was a victim.  Granted, I'm not taking full responsibility for the hurt I've felt at the hands of others, rather I'm taking owning my responsibility.  I was victimizing myself.  And nothing was changing.

About a month ago (Warning: I am a horrible gauger [is that even a word?] of time) I hung out with this guy.  He's a protector in the world.  He protects people and upholds the law.  I was hanging out with him and when it was time to say goodbye, I got really weird.  Up until it was time to say goodbye, I was absolutely fine.  I think I might have even been funny and engaging.  Then we were walking to our cars and I shut down.  I couldn't even look him in the eyes.  My eyes were watering and I couldn't say a word.  And I started thinking of all the men who had, in the words of Rosemary Clooney, "done me wrong."  He had nothing to do with them.  He's nothing like them.  He's decent and smart, and intuitive, and, overall, a stellar human being.  He noticed my weirdness.  He was trying to keep conversation going and I was uttering one-word responses.  We were at our cars and he told me, "I need you to give me a hug."  And I wanted to give him a hug.  So, I did.  It was a great hug.  I say that because it's on my list of "great hugs", it's one of four other memorable hugs.  I may be a list-addict at heart, I heart list-making.

That hug has stayed with me ever since.  He and I still talk.  I consider him a dear friend.  And I have a huge crush on him, but what's a girl to do in today's skiwampus world of dating?  Until I figure that out, he's a friend.  I got in my car and I drove away and I wanted to cry.  But I didn't know why.  All I knew is that I felt unbelievably vulnerable, only he did nothing to make me feel that way.  So, why was I feeling that way?  I think this is where I hope that all my ideas converge into one really great, "ah-ha" moment for you dear readers, as they have for me.  As usual, it's hard to articulate the "ah-ha".

The way I felt had nothing to do with him.  It had everything to do with the men I've allowed into my life and to whom I willingly opened myself up to being vulnerable to, without knowing their true nature.  That feeling had everything to do with me keeping myself in a place that I no longer wanted to be.  Honestly, it was a new experience for me to hang out with a guy who is decent and kind.  It was such a contrast to what I've known in my dating life up until that moment.  And that moment of, "this is so nice," converged so abruptly with memories of when I wasn't treated well, that it was shocking.  And overwhelming.

So, where is the balance between "vulnerable" and "victim"?  I don't have that answer.  I'm still learning it.  But, what I do know, is that you don't just trust blindly.  Vulnerability is opening yourself up to being emotionally wounded.  It's taking a chance on something, knowing very well how much it could hurt, but also hoping for how much good it could bring to your life.  I guess it's a gamble, but even gambling is all about numbers and odds, so you don't go into it completely blind.  And maybe that's how you gauge your vulnerability, you don't share it until you are absolutely certain that the odds are greater in your favor that the person you want to open yourself up to and get to know won't hurt you.  I just heard a giant and collective, "duh!"  I know, it's such an obvious thing!  Don't follow virtue blindly, check.  But, for some reason, I didn't know I was believing without seeing until very recently.

Vulnerability is Pink.  The more I think about it, the more I realize that just as pink is a mixture of white and red, two very opposing colors, I believe vulnerability is the mixture of knowing when to yield (white) some of your control and put some trust in someone and when to fiercely protect (red) your heart from a person.  This is my year of pink.   

It's Been A While

It's been nearly 3 months since I last posted.  The major things to catch everyone up on is that Spring semester is over by a month now and I'm glad for it!  That was a long semester.  I ended up passing my math class which means I never have to take another math class again (YAY!)  I actually passed it with a whole grade better than I thought I would, so that's cool.  I did what I set out to do when I signed up for my first math class; I made it through every single one of my math classes without having to take any of them again, which is not the standard at UVU, so that's an achievement of it's own.

My Rhetoric and Grammar classes went well.  What I know is that I don't like rhetoric and grammar can go to you-know-where, which is pretty much where it's going now days, anyway.  Seriously, college grammar is an unpleasant way to torture oneself.  Truly unnecessary in my opinion.  If you can't tell, I'm really glad this last semester is over.  The classes were difficult, my work schedule was not pleasant, and I came out of something in December that truly messed with my mind and there was no time to "work through it" before Spring semester started and so I was working through the residual emotional stuff the entire semester.

All in all, I'm in a great place right now.  Truly.  I:'m going to Iceland in November with my best friend and I can't wait.  My cat has survived her boosters and being spayed, so she's a strong one and I'm glad for it because you all know I haven't had the best luck with kittens.  I live alone which is so nice, and my best friend lives right next door and we have lots of fun all the time.  

I've spent so much time thinking about what I've wanted to write about, and true to form, the thing that is inside of me that I need to "write out" of me is difficult to say simply.  So, I'm just going to write and hope it is cohesive.  

This last winter lasted forever and it really took it's toll on me emotionally.  The thing I "got out of" in December and that followed me all through this last semester was another really deep betrayal and it's really messed with me.  I've been angry.  I'm sure you've noticed it in the timbre of my writing.  And I will never understand why this person did what they did to me, let alone the man I spent a good amount of time loving and how he betrayed me as well.  The thing that happened to me has no rational explanation and in trying to rationally understand it, well that's the thing, how does a rational person learn to understand an irrational thing?  It's a mind-trick, over and over again.  And I've spent a lot of time obsessing about it.  And I'm done obsessing.  

Yesterday I came home from work and I started thawing out some ground turkey and I got an onion out and a cutting board.  I was dicing the onion when I cut a portion of it unevenly, so I went to correct the cut and I put my entire hand underneath the onion and sliced down and cut very deeply into my finger.  My neighbor-friend was talking to me when it happened and she saw the whole thing and she covered her mouth and screamed.  I immediately pulled my hand back and looked at my finger which hadn't started to bleed yet and I told my friend, "It's okay, I just nicked it."  And then blood just started pouring profusely from my finger.  I put my hand under cold running water and the water ran red, at which point I calmly said, "that's not good."  My friend was pacing and asking if she should take me to the hospital.  I told her that wasn't necessary, because it was just a little cut.  She told me she would get me a towel and I thanked her for that.  I pulled my hand out from under the faucet thinking the bleeding would stop.  I watched my hand as blood ran down my wrist and forearm and elbow.  It wasn't stopping.  My friend got back and we decided that maybe I should have it looked at.  We ended up at the hospital and in true form when I am afraid or nervous, I was cracking jokes right and left with the staff and we were all laughing as I was holding my hand up clasped with a towel. Long story, short (too late), the emergency room doctor ended up poking and prodding and causing all sorts of discomfort before he determined that my fingertip could just be glued and stitches weren't necessary.

What does any of that have to do with winter and obsession, or even the color pink?  When I got home from the hospital last night and I was laying in bed thinking back on the day, the shock wore off and it occurred to me how bad the situation could have been.  Had I cut a little deeper, the situation could have been so much worse, I could have chopped the tip of my finger clean off.  And that's when it occurred to me that everything I'd been obsessing over up until that moment was really quite unnecessary.  Since I got out of this "thing"/situation in December that I was in, I've felt like the betrayal I experienced took a piece of me.  And that piece, I didn't think I would ever reclaim.  And that is what had been making me so mad.  What I realized is that in the case of what I escaped from in December, I can reclaim that part of me.  I can take it back.  But, the incident that happened last night, that could have literally resulted in a piece of me being separated from the rest of myself and that would have sucked big time and would have been instantaneously more painful than the entire betrayal leading up to December and the residual anger that's occurred since then.  Good Heavens, I hope this is making sense.  

Betrayal is cold like winter.  Betrayal blocks out light and peace and happiness and it can last as long as the night for a child who is scared of the dark.  And in that dark lies obsession, a drive to understand what we will never understand because we aren't meant to understand it.  That obsession can blot out the morning when clarity does come because we don't see the blessing before our face because we want to understand the betrayal, so we are blinded to the joy.  That's where I've been.  My pink has been muted and made dingy and it no longer radiated light.  But, I saw the red last night for all that it was and it was cleansing.  I didn't lose my fingertip and I'm really happy about that.  And while the pain of accidentally cutting into my finger was blocked until I had a doctor poking and prodding at it, once I felt it, while it hurt, I was glad to feel it because I could feel.  How is that for a metaphor?  The physical injury to my finger last night acted as a ginormous metaphor for the last 2.5 years of my life.  And while I've been more open to feeling this year, with pink being my theme, I was only dabbling.  

For the first time in a very long time, I'm back.  It's been growing delicately, but I've got a new drive and a new passion.  This is my year to radiate love and life and I haven't done that for years.  It's scary, but it's good too.

Radiate

On Friday, I took my first yoga class.  I've wanted to take a yoga class for a couple years now but I was scared because it's something new and I didn't have someone who would be brave to go with me, and being brave alone is sometimes scary.  Who am I kidding?  Being brave is always scary.  I don't know of too many people who think to themselves, "Gee self, you know what?  Today I am going to do something that scares the wits out of me and I'm going to like it.  I can't wait to traumatize myself."  Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way.  Regardless, for 2 years now I've wanted to take a yoga class and last week I started.

I walked into the class and I was scared.  The instructor came in and I introduced myself (voice cracked).  She was very nice and her entire demeanor was calming, something I've always wanted to command in myself.  I grabbed my mat and I set up and class started.  The music was beautiful; piano/Celtic with a backdrop of thunderstorms and rain.

Mid-way through the class my legs were shaking and we were getting into more difficult poses.  I started to stress out because I struggle with feeling weak and letting others see me struggling.  The whole class, the instructor was encouraging the whole class.  By the end of the class, I was feeling refreshed and extremely shaky.  I was also tired from the week.  Then this song came on that I recognized from my childhood, it was on my Celtic Moods c.d. that I would listen to when my anxiety presented itself.  This song has always been a calming one for me.

We moved into a pose (I don't remember the name) where our chest was raised up towards the ceiling and the stretch was allowing for an opening of the chest and it felt wonderful.  The instructor started talking about opening our heart up to possibility.  She talked about being willing to receive from the world what you put into it.  She talked about how the universe is here to carry us and care for us and we receive what we put into it and if all we've put in is good then there is no need for us to fear what we will receive in return.  At this point, I'm maintaining the stretch and hold of the position, and I'm looking skyward, and silent tears are streaming down my face.  She goes on to say, "You are worthy to receive the good you put into the world.  The only one holding you back from fully opening your heart to receive the good back, is yourself.  Open your heart and receive."  The stream of tears cascaded down my neck and my breathing was thrown off from my attempts to not audibly cry.  I'm sniffling and maintaining my pose and the entire moment was so therapeutic for me.

There is no need for me to focus on the detail of why this moment was so groundbreaking for me.  For those of you who have read my posts faithfully, we've been through a lot together.  Based on the comments I've received on this blog and privately, I know that some of what I've talked about has resonated deeply with you, and so I say that we have been through a lot together.  It's scary to open yourself up.  It's scary to believe that there is still good out there when you've been burned so many times.  It's scared to hope when your individual hope has gone to battle too many times to count.  That's where I've been lately.  Completely devoid of the desire to open up and try again.  And this yoga class has really made me think.

Every person out there, at one time or another in their life, has had the desire to be something beyond what they think they are capable of.  We all, for the most part, want to impact the world in a greater way than we've been impacted by it.  That goes for the good and the bad.  Experience, if not analyzed, can lead to pretty destructive behavior.  But, if you are able to look at your experience and know that, in reality, that difficulty was exactly what you needed, and you move forward with that understanding, then you are giving back good into the universe.  The only one holding me back right now, is me.  I can have the love that I've given.  I can have the joy and happiness that I've inspired in others.  I can.  And I will.  I will because I haven't given up.  I thought I had, but that's the thing about Hope, she never gives up.  Hope is my heart and my heart is strong and unwavering.

The instructor ended the class with a quote that is so resonant to what 2013 and the theme of pink is for me and all that this year will inspire in my life.  It's by William George Jordan, from his book The Majesty of Calmness.  It goes:

"The only responsibility that a man cannot evade in this life is the one he thinks of least, his personal influence.  Man's conscious influence, when he is on dress parade, when he is poising to impress those around him, is woefully small.  But his unconscious influence, the silent, subtle radiation of his personality, the effect of his words and acts, the trifles he never considers, is tremendous.  Every moment of life he is changing, to a degree, the life of the whole world.  Every man has an atmosphere which is affecting every other.  So silent and unconsciously is this influence working, that man may forget that it exists.  Into the hands of every individual is given the marvelous power for good or for evil, the silent, unconscious, unseen influence of his life.  This is simply the constant radiation of who a man really is, not what he pretends to be.  Every man, by his mere living is radiating sympathy, or sorrow, or morbidness, or cynicism, or happiness, or hope, or any of a hundred other qualities.  Life is a state of constant radiation and absorption; to exist is radiate.  To exist is to be the recipient of radiations" (emphasis added).

You give what you get.  Karma returns 10 fold.  You receive what you radiate.  However you want to say it, your unconscious effort is the most influential and impactful.  This is important to remember.  This quote is hanging on my cork board at work where I can see it every day.

2013 - The Year of Fullness

The color for 2013 is pink.  I've thought long and hard about how I want to talk about pink and what pink means to me.  When I think of pink I think of softness and I also think of vibrant power.  Pink is an interesting color for me.  I never liked it in my early adult years.  I remember when I was a child I was obsessed with Hot Pink.  I wanted to be a rock-star with the name Hot Pink, but then when I got into my pre-teens and teenage years, I was embarrassed by the color pink in all it's shades, and instead became obsessed with the color black (so original, I know, you never see an angry teen wearing black and condemning the world for it's injustice... I was a total trailblazer).

It wasn't until I became pregnant that I started really loving the softness of pink, maybe it was hormones, maybe it was something else, I have no clue.  Though in my heart I know it had a lot to do with honesty, which is something else Pink is.... honest.  It is the blush of a cheek that can't be hidden.  Leading up to my pregnancy.  And since then, I've slipped back into the habit of hiding.  When I told my family I was pregnant, my biggest secret was out in the open and it was a relief.  Pink is honesty and relief.

When I think of pink now, I think of it in terms of what it is made up of.  And that's where things get real fascinating  As any child learns in school when mixing paint color, in order to get pink you have to mix red and white.  How much red you use determines the depth of color.  Red and white are very differing colors.  Red is the color of emotion: passion, anger, humiliation, power/authority, shame, etc.  Red suggests a strong personality and presence; it asserts itself.  White, on the other hand, is the color of peace, purity, cleanliness, humility, transition, innocence, morality, etc.  White suggests everything that Red does not.  What an interesting contradiction, and this contradiction has found it's home in Pink.

Pink is the balance between Red's authority and White's submission.  Pink is easily associated with anything female-related.  Pink is caring and nurturing, it houses passion but with reservation.  Pink knows the boundaries.  Pink can swell up with emotion, but can also quiet down with soft confidence.  Pink also symbolizes trust.  Pink stones, when used in stone therapy, are used for calming feelings and neutralizing disorder.  The quality of energy in pink stones is very much determined by how much Red is present, in comparison to White.  It is in this regard that Red and White work together; White promoting fullness, and Red being the catalyst to achieve fullness.

I think back on my experiences and I've never been one to allow myself to be vulnerable in a healthy way.  What I'm learning about femininity is that it is vulnerable, but in a strengthening way.  I want so badly to be in a relationship that is healthy and safe and special and perfect for me and whoever "he" ends up being.  My vulnerability lays within that desire.  I'm ready to find my husband and to build my family with him... "our" family.  In looking back at my past relationships and the pain they've caused me and in asking myself some very hard questions lately as to how I came to be in those relationships... what I've learned is that the way I make myself vulnerable to these "men", is by having no feminine authority in myself.  I let them take control and I match what they show me.  I hope that makes sense.  That hasn't worked for so I'm not going to do that anymore.

Pink has nothing to do with trusting men or belittling them.  Pink has everything to do with a woman trusting herself and being confident in herself.  If a woman can trust herself and her feminine instinct then she can achieve fullness in every aspect of her life.  It's okay to have authority.  Vulnerability has nothing to do with hoping you are good enough for someone else.  Vulnerability.... healthy vulnerability is being honest with those you are considering a relationship with.  Letting them know what you've experienced and letting them know what you don't want and if that's what you are shown then you'll walk away.  And then letting them prove themselves to you... not bending over backwards proving yourself to them, because you've already been honest in your expectations.  Vulnerability is about not hiding what you've learned, but still trusting that you can find what you want, all while remaining true to your truth, and not submitting to anything less.  To do this, you need to be an authority of yourself, you need to be more red than white... but you need to let white be your balance.

And this is what 2013 is about for me.  Finding fullness in all my relationships.  Letting people prove themselves to me and standing up for whether or not what they are proving is working for my life dynamic or not.  It has nothing to do with being judgmental.  It has everything to do with being an authority of my own life and actively deciding who will be a part of it.  I've been through Hell and back more times than I wish to consider... but that's because I didn't trust my own instinct and I had one-million-and-one reasons to justify away my gut feelings.  I have actively gotten myself to where I am and that's the Red in me talking.  The White in me is telling me to be compassionate towards myself and let the lesson be just that, an invaluable lesson.  The Pink is whispering to my heart to trust myself because I know what I'm doing, I just need to believe it.  I can have fullness in life and this year is going to be the year to understand that.

In summary, Pink and 2013 are for finding and nurturing:
-my life energy and purpose
-the encouragement of my individual confidence
-the eradication of dysfunction and disorder from my life
-balanced happiness
-self-trust
-individual instinct
-proper expression of emotion
-feminine acceptance
-protected vulnerability
-balanced authority

I'm ready.