I recently got rid of my home internet, and so I've found that I have loads of time on my hands lately. Even with school starting on the 9th of this month, I still feel that I will have invaluable time to focus on other projects.
I was meditating the other night... I know, that sounds weird, but it's true, I'm turning into one of "those" people. All joking aside though, once I finished meditating and laid down in my bed to go to sleep, my mind was in a calmer state and the thoughts that typically are zooming around too quickly to catch, were finally recognizable. One thought I had was to turn my pride into determination. I was so excited by this nugget of beauty that I immediately wanted to blog about it... and then I remembered I had no internet, and so I wrote it down to blog about once I found a second at my job that allowed for a break. That second is now.
It occurred to me that the actual definition of "pride" and "determination" was elusive to me. I know what they mean... in general terms, but I wanted to know what Meriam Webster says they mean and so I looked them up:
*Pride: The quality or state of being proud... ostentatious display.
-Ostentatious: Marked by... conspicuous or vainglorious and sometimes pretentious display.
--Vainglory: Vain display or show. Excessive pride especially in one's achievements.
*Determination: The act of deciding definitely and firmly; also: the result of such an act of decision.
For the longest time, I understood that pride was attributed to more of a negative quality, but I never understood why and there were times that I found I felt proud for something I accomplished accomplished but I didn't know if I should, because isn't pride bad? I've always known that I exhibit some of the more negative types of pride in my own life. I have a pride that is attached to my stubborness and it is a horrible thing. I knew that it was a horrible thing in a general sense, but now I understand fully how horrible a thing my pride can become. But I still don't think that every aspect of pride is "bad"... and I think for those times when pride isn't a "bad" thing, it's because it's become such a common-place things to refer to pride in regards to the good things in our life. Pride isn't good. So... what part of pride is good? I think there is a connection, however small, between determination and pride. The major thing that separates these two qualitites is that determination involves more action, whereas pride is, more or less, just a feeling that becomes us.
Goodness, I know that I am unleashing my full glory of nerdiness on you... this is why I'm an English major, because disection of words gets me going (nerd alert). You can have pride in your haircut. You can have pride in your grades. You can have pride in your car, but pride doesn't get you those things. Pride doesn't nurture progress. Determination brings about "something". Determination gets you the good grades. You can have pride in something that is... withering, but your pride won't provide the nourishment that "something" needs to heal and become something better than "it" already is. Determination to succeed, determination to find love, determination to nurture love, determination to make it through the difficult and downright seemingly impossible parts of life; it's a choice. Determination is a choice.
I think that determination is the good part of pride before it goes bad. I think determination gets you to that place where you know you can go and then once you're there, you believe that you'll always be there. That's where pride goes wrong. Life is progression and just because you finally got to where you were working so tirelessly to go... doesn't mean your done and there is nothing more to achieve, and that's pride; the belief that what you've got and were determined to get. will never be taken from you... or will never disappear and will always be what it currently is and so you no longer work to maintain it and it withers. That's sad.
How can we nurture what is most sacred to us and which we don't want to lose? The answer seems easier now, but only easier because I think I finally know the answer, and that's to always be determined to make whatever "it" is, better. Obviously, there is nothing easy about determination. Determination is a choice made over and over again... from day to day... from minute to minute... and even possibly from second to second, determination is a renewed choice. There is failure in pride. There is balance in determination. Let's not confuse the two.
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