Open Adoption Roundtable #37

I missed the prompt for number 36, so if you are looking for it that's why you can't find it :)  You all know by now how awesome I think the woman who issues these prompts is.  And if you want to see other people's response to this prompt, you can find them here: http://openadoptionbloggers.com/2012/04/24/roundtable-37-after-a-visit/

The prompt this time around is:
How do you feel after a visit?


I remember the first time I saw Baby Boy after I placed him in the social worker's arms at the hospital.  He was four months old the first time I saw him after placement.  And he was chunky and so adorably perfect.  He was so round, it looked like he was missing a neck, and wrists/ankles, and elbows... he was all squish.  I was mesmerized by him.  It was hard to leave after that first visit.  And I remember feeling similar feelings from when I left the hospital.  I felt lost and unsure, but relieved for him at the same time.  But I missed him so deeply that it echoed in me.  I can't describe the feeling.  I missed him so deeply that I felt the hollowness in my fingertips... I felt empty, literally.


The next couple times I saw him, I was surrounded by his extended family and certain of my family members and it was in celebration for a very special religious observance for Baby Boy and his family.  It was hard not to feel the joy that was so contagious.  I remember feeling better when I left these events.  I felt happy for him and secure in knowing I made the right decision for him and that he was where he needed to be.  I felt love for his family and extended family.  It felt right and I didn't feel disconnected or empty like before, but I still didn't want to leave him because I felt like I wouldn't see him again.


The next 3 times was for his first birthday, and then an adoption walk, and then his second birthday.  I followed him around everywhere during those visits.  I was amazed by him and his growing and development.  He had my heart completely.  And I think he recognized me... at least my voice.  I remember when he would see me the first time he would look at me, furrow his brow like he was thinking, and cock his head to the side and just watch me.  I would giggle at his cuteness and I would say "Hi there sweet boy."  And it was at my voice that he would look at me straight on and hold his arms out to me so I could pick him up or he would engage in a different way, but he would always engage with me after he heard my voice.  When I left from these visits I didn't feel the anxiety I felt with leaving the other visits, rather I felt like I was leaving a family reunion and feeling secure in what was going on and that I would always be a part of them.


I just recently had the opportunity to go to the park with him and his mom and brother.  It was a blast.  I followed him around like I was the paparazzi and he knew he had an audience and he was totally performing for me.  He is absolute precious perfection.  He was animated and talking and interacting and engaging with me and I am absolutely and emphatically in love with this child of my heart.  It was time for all of us to go home, he had played hard and needed a nap.  I gave hugs goodbye and gave him kisses and loves and he let me love him and then I helped get him in his car seat and then when they were situated, I got in my car and I drove off.  I remember that drive.  The park wasn't too far from my apartment and so it wasn't a long drive at all.  I didn't feel anxious at all.  And I reflected back on the other goodbyes and my heart was warmed because this one was fine.  He is fine.  I am fine.  We are both fine and good and in a secure place.  I know that I will see him again.  If it's in a picture or in person doesn't matter, I'll see him again.  This is such a different place for me to be in.  I love him and I'm happy for him and for his family.  They are my family.  That's the big difference I believe.  I am secure in my relationship with his parent's via his mother that I know that he is secure and that he will know of me and he will know how much I love him and always will.  It's a good feeling.


It took time and consistency to get here.  I am so blessed that his parents have allowed me to be as actively involved as they have.  They handled all of this brilliantly.  They have kept the door open to me and they have included me in special events and through this I have recognized their love for me and that right there makes the partings easier.  I'm a blessed birth-mother to have them for my adoptive couple.  I am blessed.