Dear Sweetheart,

Dear sweet little-man, baby boy.  Today you are 3 years old.  I can't believe it.  I still remember everything about you.  I had the wonderful opportunity to see you recently and you are spectacular!  There are no words to express effectively how mesmerized I am by you.  From the moment I met you to know, you have my heart completely.

You can be shy, but you are always a show-off, and in me, you have the most captive audience and you pick up on that very quickly.  Even though you missed out on a complete nap the day we saw each other, and you were clingy to your dad, it didn't take too long for you to warm up to me.  You were running all over the place and I loved watching your independence.  You are not afraid of the big slides.  I think you might be an adrenaline junky, and that makes me so happy because that means that you aren't phased by the idea of not being able to do "something", you'll try it and, from what I can tell, you excel at whatever "it" is.

It was fun playing with you.  I love your fist-pump when you are about to do something you want everyone to know about.  I love your victory dance when you know you've done a good job.  And I absolutely love your upbeat attitude at thinking you always win the game... even if that's not the case.  Your laughter is music.  Your voice is music.  The little way you talk melts my heart.  I'm the luckiest birth-mother in the world to know your light.  I love you with all my heart, baby boy.  I always will.  You are the child of my heart.

Sincerely,
Your birth mother

Quiet Mind

“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” 
― Nathaniel Hawthorne

I love this quote.  I've been thinking about the topic of happiness a lot lately and then also about this quote.  I think it is natural to think that happiness must always be with you... or that if you are unhappy then you are ungrateful.  And so you settle on a happy that isn't happy, but is... something drastically less, because you don't want to be ungrateful and so you will be "happy".  

This post is starting to sound like I'm depressed.  Actually, I'm not.  Something happened to me this past week that I am still thinking on.  I've been sick for the last month.  I'm not joking.  I'm stressed, I'm cold, I don't get near enough sleep, and I don't have enough recuperation time to get over being sick.  I've had everything from the stomach flu to this winter's brand of lingering cold.  And for the first while... I was exhausted with frustration at not feeling well, and that exhaustion was eating at me emotionally.  

It was in a moment of... I don't know what you would call it... it felt desperate.  In this moment of "desperation" I let someone I love dearly know that "things" aren't easy.  I opened up to this person and afterwards I felt ashamed, but the response I received back was pretty spectacular.  They let me know that they appreciate me not "sugar-coating the hell" out of what I was trying to say.  They told me that in letting them know how hard of a time I've been having but how I'm pushing through it made them feel like I was actually letting them in to the person that is me.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about that ever since.

This week has not been easy.  I began to feel better last Sunday.  That was the first day in a long time that I felt human and not like a walking illness.  I was able to get up and clean and my energy lasted all day, not just a couple of hours.  And then by Tuesday, I was coughing again, only my cough was worse and moved into my lungs.  My schedule this year does not allow for being sick and so I had to push through it all week.  And then Friday came and I got home and I was fevering.  I spent all last weekend fevering as well.  I don't have insurance.  I can't afford the doctor and so I just treated myself.  

The major difference from this weekend and last weekend, was this weekend... I'm not waiting for things to get worse.  It's something I've been focusing on for the last couple of weeks or so.  I've always been a person who constantly anticipates that things can always be worse... and so I should be grateful and appreciative of what I have now because even if what I have now is a fever... well, it can always get worse.  The person I am now and that I am focusing on becoming is a person who always anticipates that something greater is around the corner.  And that's the difference.  I still don't feel my best but I know that I won't always be sick.  I know that the cold of winter won't always be so biting.  I know that all the frustrations and all the pain and anger I've felt for the longest time... it's melting.  It will resurface here and there, but that's life.  The place I was 1 year ago was dark and angry and hopeless and I was on the verge of inner destruction; that's not an exaggeration.  I was so lost and all that I knew was that I was lost in anger.  I've made a lot of changes since then and for the first time in my entire life I know what it means to feel quiet and peaceful and aware of the softness of happiness.  

Meditative Musings

This morning I went to the gym with a friend of mine and usually we talk a lot, but today we were both pretty tired, and as it was only 5:00 in the morning and I'm getting over being sick and she is coming down with something, so we just weren't in the talking mood.  We talked for the first half hour, but the rest of the workout, I didn't have anything to distract me.  She brought a book to read and I left my music at home.  I decided that I would meditate for the rest of my workout and it was pretty awesome.

Normally I start my mediation with a question, but today I didn't.  Instead I started thinking of the things I'm grateful for in my life and there are a lot.  I focused on what my body was feeling and... my body is tired.  And then I zoned into specific areas of my body and I focused on their strength and why I appreciate them, which is something I've never done before.  I've never felt confident in my body.  Ever.  I've always noticed the flaws and compared it to other's.  A running joke I have is that my chest should start paying rent because it's always there and does nothing for me.  How acidic is that?  It's funny, but to say that about yourself is extremely hurtful.  I've said it about my butt too.  Focusing on the beauty of my body was very powerful and made me grateful, and I never thought that would happen.  I then started thinking about my long term goals and "where" I want to be and am working towards.  It's beautiful, the goals I have and they are attainable.  It's going to require a lot of work and determination, but it is possible and I believe that now.  Before I always hoped for the possibility.  But now, I know it's possible.

In terms of "where" I want to go, it's hard to not try and put a time-frame on it because that's how I work towards goals, but this kind of goal has nothing to do with time and everything to do with preparing myself to be the person that is involved in the "where" of where I'm going.  And that's been a hard thing to try to resolve.  Where I want to go cannot be forced and it cannot be limited to increments of time.  It was at this point that the thought came to mind "You owe nothing to Time but your best effort."  You wouldn't believe the comfort that I've already felt today from that simple truth.  I've always "known" that all I need to do is try my best, but somewhere in the throws of becoming an adult, I lost the real meaning of what that means... what my personal best is and I believed instead that everything worth wanting in life has to be learned and earned "now" and if I wasn't my best "now" then it was impossible.  I hope this is making sense.  So, to be inspired of this truth this morning... was exactly what I needed.

This is my truth:  I owe nothing to Time but my personal best.  And in doing so... just living my personal best each and every day, that is how I will become the woman I know I am capable of being... and that's how I will get to where I'm going.  It's as simple as that.  I think I'm pretty awesome right now, but you guys haven't seen anything yet.  The woman I know I will be, she is spectacular.  And today, I am one step closer to my transcendental transition into becoming her.  That's pretty exciting.