I haven't written anything for the longest time. The holidays have all come and gone and a new year is officially here and I still don't know how I feel about any of it. It's confusing. I didn't know what to expect this year with Thanksgiving, Christmas, or the New Year. Last year, rather 2009, everything was still so fresh from my baby boy's adoption that Thnaksgiving was a blur. I hardly remember it, that could be because of the pain medication I was religiously taking. Truth be told, I didn't want to be aware of Thanksgiving 2009 and I was extremely thankful for my pain meds. I'm ashamed to say that, but if this blog is anything, it's honest. My baby was born November 13, 2009 and a week or 2 later I was sitting at a table surrounded by family and eating turkey and I don't remember any of it, all I remember is that I was empty. I no longer had a child inside me and I was cold. And then Christmas came.
Christmas 2009 was even colder and I was surrounded by loved ones. My oldest sister and her husband literally took me in and welcomed me in to their home so that I wouldn't have to be alone at my apartment and I'm eternally grateful to them for that kindness. That was a spiritual Christmas for me and that was the first time in a long time that I actually felt safe... I remember that feeling very well. As a child I was obsessed with Christmas trees, but Christmas 2009 my obsession became... I sat in the livingroom every night till extremely late and I just stared at my sister's beautifully decorated Christmas tree and I wished that I was holding my son and sharing that moment with him and the longer I stared at that tree the easier it was to imagine him there with me and I never wanted to look away, afraid that the I wouldn't feel him in my arms anymore. Christmas 2009 came and went and then the New Year came.
The year 2010 came and I welcomed it eagerly, desperately seeking a new beginning and I've learned so much. I am of the opinion that 2010 was a refining year and a year of transition, transition into what, I know not, but I've got this feeling that it was in preparation for 2011 and I'm excited for 2011. The beginning of 2010 was tenuous. I had to get a grip on who it was I thought I was and I had no clue who that was quite frnakly but I knew that she was strong and willing to experience the transition and so I went with the flow. The theme color for 2010 was blue which represents water and fluidity of life and I chose that color specifically so that I would be reminded to let life happen. You can't control water, and for the most part you can't control life and I wasn't going to try to control it anymore. Spring and Summer of 2010 were beautiful and warm and full of progression and surprises... beautiful surprises. And before I knew it, Autumn came and with it... more surprises, thought these ones not beautiful or comfortable, but full of valuable lessons and potential for growth if I didn't push them away. And then Thanksgiving came.
Thanksgiving 2010... I didn't know what to expect. It was hard to be around my family because I want a family. My sibling's families are beautiful and I am blessed to know such beauty and love. It's interesting. Before I had Baby Boy it was difficult to go to family functions because I wanted what my siblings had, a family of my own, only I didn't have it and so to be surrounded by what I dreamed of but hadn't achieved was painful beyond words. And Thanksgiving 2010, again, I found myself surrounded by my wonderful sublings and their beautiful families and again, I desperately wished I had a family of my own; only this time, I felt the loss in a deeper way, a loss of knowing my son and his perfection and knowing that I couldn't offer him what he deserved... Thanksgiving was hard and I didn't expect that.
The next month passed within a moment and Christmas was here and... I... was having a hard time preparing myself to, again, be surrounded by my siblings and their gorgeous families. I sound horrible saying all of this. Please, don't for one second think that I feel resentment towards my family because I don't, I love them all dearly and would do anything for them. And that's the point I'm trying to make, I didn't expect any of these feelings to be present for the Holiday season, but they were and they were more intense than I ever thought possible... it's confusing.
And here we are, 2011 is now here and I am excited and scared at the same time. Scared might be the wrong word, perhaps apprehensive is the correct word. And yet, I feel more in control of myself going in to 2011 than I did in 2010. When 2010 came around I was barely existing. And now 2011 is here and I feel like I'm... ready to live again. I'm learning about myself and who I am. Not so much who I want to be in the sense of who I think people want me to be, but I'm learning to embrace and love the me that is me. And in case you are wondering who that is, she is a girl who is meant to shake things up which can be uncomfortable, but that's the point. Trials are meant to stretch us to the point where we can accept change in to our lives. Trials grow us for change. It's beautiful. Difficult, but beautiful and well worth the discomfort. I'm ready for it.
I love you all. Thank you for your continued support. Let's learn and grow. Let's make 2011 beautiful.
No comments:
Post a Comment