Have you ever experienced an inner quietness so intense that you can feel time shift? I know that sounds cooky, so allow me to explain. I know this guy, we used to date forever ago and I care tremendous amounts about him. We just recently started talking again, out of the blue, and have gotten together a couple of times to hang out and get caught up with all that is new in our lives. He told me that he's missed me and I told him the same, and whatever it is we are doing and wherever it is we are going together, we've both decided to just let it occur naturally and in it's own time-frame... and to let it occur slowly. I wanted to be up front and honest with him about everything, in case recent events in my life would sway his decision, you know, maybe he wouldn't want anything to do with me after he knew I had placed a child for adoption. It happens. Instead, he handled it extremely well. It blew my mind how kindly and delicately he handled the news. We went our seperate ways and he kept telling me before we parted, "It's okay. (laugh) I can tell you are nervous and you don't have to be. I'm glad you told me and it's going to be alright. I'm fine with it." He then gave me a hug and we went our seperate ways. I was freaking out on the way home. I always told myself that if I had another chance with this man, that I wouldn't blow it, and I felt like I had already blown it before the second chance even presented itself to me.
He called me while I was driving and, once again, assured me that everything was fine. He asked me to explain my concerns to him and I did and then he told me that he might become a father himself in the next couple of weeks (this was a couple of weeks ago) and he wanted to tell me because he could tell I was really worried when I left and he wanted me to know about this, as well. He didn't know if he should tell me before or after the little girl got here, but after seeing my concern he decided to tell me before she got here.
Well, his little girl was born yesterday at 4:30 in the afternoon. He cried the first time he held her. We were texting last night on my way home from the gym and I felt that moment again, only through him. That moment when your life changes drastically and you aren't the same person anymore and you realize you've got to now figure out who it is that you are. That moment. He was talking about how much he wants to always be a part of her life and how he hopes he is good enough for her. I was calm and peaceful from the gym and the car radio was off and so all around me and inside me was quiet and calm like the first time I held my baby boy and I remember feeling time shift then, and I felt it again last night. It's amazing the impact that something so small like a newborn can have on adults- on us- adults who think they know everything and who believe that they are everything- and then you hold something so small and completely helpless and reliant on you and you realize that you know nothing and you are nothing because this little thing, this newborn baby in your arms, is everything. That's a very humbling moment. And, it catches you completely of guard. Your world can change in a matter of moments, seconds, at the intake of a breath your world can change and time shifts and you are someone you don't know or recognize, but it's no longer about you, it's about someone else. Time shifts and your world is forever changed.
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