Hopeful Adoptive Couple: Meet Melissa and Tim

I am excited to introduce you all to Melissa and Tim.  I have really enjoyed getting to know them and they are wonderfully kind people.  I was hoping to have their spotlight up last week but with the illness of my kitten and his passing, everything in my life got a bit delayed.  They have been so understanding and I appreciate the kindness that they have extended towards me.  So, without further ado, meet Melissa and Tim.

How did you meet your spouse?  How long did you both date before you decided to get married?  How long have you been married?

 Oh we love telling the story of how we met J 

The story begins with Melissa and her best friend deciding what to do one Saturday night in October.  They were close to New Brunswick and so the logical choice was the local college hang-out, The Melody.  Tim, as a regular fixture at the Melody, was there also and he spied Melissa & started to chat with her. Tim gathered the courage to ask for her number. Melissa wasn’t sure about this Stussy-baseball-hat-wearing-guy, but when he told her to feel his “rabbit soft hair” that cinched the deal & Melissa gave him her number. Little did Tim know, but this one comment appealed to Melissa’s love of animals, especially soft, furry ones!
Melissa received a scholarship to Duke University in North Carolina, so a good portion of our relationship was long distance. While Melissa headed to NC for a year of studies, and then a year in Washington DC, Tim remained in NJ. We both knew that to continue our relationship, we’d eventually have to minimize the 250 mile distance! Since Tim was traveling for work at the time, it was much easier for him to move. So the decision was made to be as close as you could be:  we moved in together.  
We bought a home, we adopted two adorable cats, we got married, we built a happy life together jam-packed full of memories with family and friends, hikes in the woods, kayak trips on the river, and travel.  We can’t believe how much time has flown by.  We’re about to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in October and are as much in love as we were back in 2002!  We’re looking forward to sharing our future and a whole lot of love with a little one to call our own and create even more happy memories!

What was the first thing you really came to appreciate about your spouse and why was that quality/characteristic important to you [if the ladies of the couple are answering this, then grab your husband's and have them answer it for you as well ;)  ]?

 Melissa about Tim: Wow, only one thing, that’s pretty hard because he’s such a good mix of characteristics – he’s kind, he’s affectionate, he’s strong and protective (he cooks! He adores animals!).  Sorry, I really can’t pick just one).  When we were dating, I realized he was “the one” when I’d had a bad day and he just made it (in fact, everything) seem better.  He didn’t get worked up about it, he was calm and supportive.  Friends call me a “smitten kitten” when I talk about Tim but I do adore him and I know he’ll be an amazing, caring father.  I can’t wait!

 Tim about Melissa: Melissa has a wonderful way of having fun with life. Her ability to be silly and cute, and enjoy even the most mundane things, makes my life with her that much better. She balances this fun and silly side with intelligence and focus when it's needed. She is definitely one of the smartest people I've ever met. We have a very similar sense of humor and make each other laugh every day. Whenever I see here I can't help but smile. We really do compliment each other's personalities. I often think, "How did I get so lucky?"

Do you have any current family traditions that you celebrate as a family?  If so, how did these traditions begin?

 Well there are lots of traditions that we both bring from our families but with just the two of us, we created some new ones:  For Christmas, we pick out the Christmas tree on December 12^th (an important family tradition for Melissa is observing the 12 days of Christmas).  At the Christmas Tree lot, we go rooting around in search of the perfect tree for us – usually Melissa just knows which one it is and proceeds to literally hug it… yes, she’s a tree hugger!   

We kick off the Christmas season with friends and family and their little ones with an annual holiday Cookie Makin’, Bakin’ and Decoratin’ (and Eatin’) Party that we host at our house.  The smell of freshly baked cookies fills the air, sprinkles, cookie decorations, powdered sugar and cookie icing is absolutely everywhere but it is so much fun!  We cap it off with warm cookies, cold milk and a viewing of Elf.  We can’t wait to introduce our little one(s) to this annual tradition! 

For Tim’s father’s birthday all the siblings, spouses and the kids gather for an awesome day of apple picking.  It is so much fun.  There’s tree climbing, apple tossing, apple eating, a lot of joking, apple wagon riding and photo taking!  The crisp Fall day always wraps up with a delicious meal with the whole gang. 

When we bring our little one home, we know that we’ll be celebrating many more traditions – some silly like Half Birthdays; pancake day (like we celebrate in England) ; trick or treating in home-made costumes (it was so much fun planning and making our costumes); later first day of school.  Putting shoes out for the return of the three kings like Melissa’s mother did when she was a little girl; writing letters to Santa; the traditional Easter Egg hunt around the house… all sorts of customs from both our childhoods that we can’t to share!

If you currently do not have children, how long have you been trying to grow your family?

We’ll be married 10 years in October – we are so happy with each other that it doesn’t seem that long!  Well, about 4 years into our marriage we decided to start trying to have a family.  We struggled for years to get pregnant and sought medical help.  After years of being jabbed by needles; having enough blood drawn to satisfy all the vampires in TrueBlood and Twilight combined; we finally got pregnant! But sadly, we miscarried each time.  It was too much.  We realized, at this point, there was another way.  One that would actually help someone else as much as it would help us:  Adoption was the clear answer!

We completed our homestudy in December of 2011, we were so excited to start the New Year on a positive note: We were going to build our family through adoption and we’ve been telling EVERYONE ever since!

How has your experience in the world of adoption mirrored or changed your expectation of adoption?

 Well, we knew it would take time.  We’ve been really fortunate to have a lot of cheerleaders (family, friends, and total strangers!) who’re there to encourage us.  Because we’re pursuing independent adoption, we are doing all the outreach and raising awareness ourselves (so we’re really thankful to Kathryn for profiling us on her blog) – we tell everyone we meet, and total strangers are so kind with encouragement, good luck and blessings. 

We’re not looking for “a baby” we’re looking for “our baby”.  We know that when the time is right a very special woman will read our profile and make the courageous step to call us.  We believe she’ll know in her heart that we’re the couple she wants to raise her baby…. Wow, we just can’t wait for that connection and to meet her!

How do you define open adoption?  What is open adoption to you?

We would define an adoption as open when the adoptive and biological parents  know each other and maintain a relationship before, during, and after the adoption – all for the benefit of the child(ren). The degree of openness will depend upon the circumstances of the expectant mother and father.  As the parents to our little one, we would always want our child(ren) to feel secure that we are their parents forever and they are part of our family forever.  There will be no secret for our little one(s) that they were adopted - precious, cherished, and wanted.  Having them know about their birth-family is an important part of this.

We do plan to work out a written agreement with our birth-mother.  We certainly do not want to break any promises after we have received the most amazing gift.  We want to honor our birthmother’s choice and trust in us to be absolutely brilliant adoptive parents.

What would your ideal relationship with "your" birth-mother be, pre-placement?  (Would you like to attend Dr. Appointments with her, have her to Sunday dinners, get together on a monthly basis for a movie, &etc?  How involved would you, ideally, like to be involved, &etc.)

 Well in an ideal scenario, we’d be absolutely thrilled to accompany our birth-mother to the doctor(s).  We know that this is totally up to our birth-mother but we would feel very honored if she would allow us to enjoy the milestones of her pregnancy with her. 

Again, ideally, we’d like to be within reasonable driving distance. This would allow for more frequent face to face meetings and visits. If an expectant mother is interested in us as potential adoptive parents for her baby, and isn’t geographically close, we’d use technology to get to know each other.  We were in a long distance relationship for a long time so we know that postcards, emails, texts, video chat and calls can really bridge the distance!

Getting to the point of being totally comfortable with each other, and building a real friendship with the birth-mother is important to us, but if this is not the desire of the birth-mother, we would, of course, honor her decision, and always be grateful for allowing us to build a family.

If you have yet to adopt, how do you anticipate building a relationship with the birth-mother?  How important do you perceive the relationship between you and birth-mother to be throughout the entire process that is adoption (pre-placement, placement, post-placement)?

 The key would be for as much communication as possible.  Of course this starts with that first phone call from an expectant mother… it is thrilling for us, but we’re sure is pretty nerve-wracking for an expectant mother!  Hopefully our profile has given some sense of who we are, but we know the expectant mom will have many questions for us as she makes her big decision.  We know she may have some tough questions but we always promise to be truthful and, of course, we would expect the same.  You can’t build a relationship unless there’s a good foundation of respect and honesty. 

We’d take our lead for the relationship from the expectant mother, while we’re eager to build our family through adoption; we want our birthmother to make her decisions because it is what SHE wants.  We’d hope that she has a good circle of family and friends, as well as the birthfather, who’d support her in her decision.  We’re ready to talk to the birthfather, relatives, friends and anyone else that the expectant mom would want us to – so that she can make her decision.

As we move forward toward placement, we’d do everything to keep that open communication going, by being supportive of her needs and wishes.  Of course we know that this will be an emotional time and believe our foundation of honesty will carry us through.  We’d hope that we’d become friends to continue a relationship after placement.  Not just for the benefit of our adopted child(ren) but because of how much respect and admiration we’d have for the woman who’d choose us.

For any young woman considering placing her child for adoption, and who is reading this right now, what do you want to say to her? 

First, anyone considering making a plan for adoption is extremely brave.  To make such an unselfish and absolutely loving decision is amazing.  We can’t even begin to imagine how difficult this must be, and know that what’s in front of you now is an enormous life decision.  We imagine that picking THE best parents that YOU want for this little one may seem quite daunting.  But know that many, many people would cherish your little one – just as we would.  You are giving an adoptive parent the greatest gift possible, and as you talk with potential adoptive parents for your child, we believe you will know when you have met the right ones.

We want you to have the peace of mind that we will be the best parents we possibly can be – loving – encouraging – giving all the opportunities that we possibly can, so that this baby has an amazingly bright and happy future..  We want you to know, through conversations and meeting us that we have the foundation (in a great friendship and marriage) to provide a loving, secure and fun future for this baby.  We would forever consider it a privilege to be shaping a young lady or young man, instilling in them self-confidence, and compassion for others.  We would encourage them in their own pursuits; helping to bring out their own, unique personality.  We hope that with an open adoption, we can confirm that the decision you made, to pick us, was absolutely the right one. 

Do you have a blog that you would like to share with those reading this today?  If so, what is the address of your blog?

Yes, we’d love anyone reading this to consider getting to know us a little more by visiting our website www.melissaandtimadopt.wordpress.com 

Thank you!

♥

Loss, We Meet Again... Again

I've been trying to figure out how I wanted to write about this.  My little kitten, Mischief, died on Thursday.  He had feline infectious peritonitus.  If this post feels familiar to you, it's because this has already happened... with my last kitten, Ellipses.  I have no words to explain the frustration I feel over losing 2 kittens within a matter of months.

I have sat down half a dozen times to blog about this only I have no idea what I want to say about any of it.  I am feeling so many emotions all at once.  I figured I would tell you about it all, but I don't want to re-hash it and so I'm not.  The summary?  Mischief was a healthy kitten for 2 weeks and then he started to get weak.  He had anemia, and then his belly started to bloat.  The vet recommended a change of diet, so we put him on prescribed food and that helped for 1 week.  And then he started to lose weight that he didn't have and then his belly bloat came back.  A urinalysis proved that he was eliminating vast amounts of protein through his urine, meaning that he wasn't gaining muscle.  He began to fever and became so exhausted that he couldn't even make it to his litter box, so he would pee on himself and lay in it.  I got to the point where I was coming home from work during lunch n order to move him to his water bowl and food bowl so that he could eat in hopes to keep up his energy levels until we knew what was going on with him.  I would also place him in his litter box so he could relieve himself.  The blood work proved that what he had was fatal and that his intestines were shutting down and next would be his heart.  That's when I made the decision to have him put to sleep.  That was this past Thursday.

And that's all I've got to say.  I'm trying to find the wisdom in all of this.  With Ellipses I learned a lot about love and the hidden emotions that come up unexpectedly for a birth mother when faced with loss.  This time around, I'm mad.  I don't know who I'm mad at though.  If you all knew half the stuff I've been dealing with this summer, then perhaps this post would make more sense to you.  This summer has been a ridiculous one with hardship after hardship.  Mischief was the one thing I looked forward to every day.  He made me smile and he made me chill out and let things happen as they happen and not try to control them.  His little meow was the cutest thing ever.  And his purr was calming.  I don't think he ever knew how truly small he was in stature because he would parade around like a lion.  And though his meow was tiny and quiet, I think he probably felt like a king when he would vocalize.  I loved him.  He was my little friend and he depended on me and he died; I'm not even going to touch up on how confusing the emotions are that surround that realization.

My roommates cat, Mayhem, has since waited by my bedroom door for Mischief's little paw to peek underneath and for them to be able to play by paw.  Once his health started to decline, I kept Mischief quarantined in my room until we knew what he had for sure.  And during their separation, that was their way of staying in contact with each other.  It breaks my heart when I see Mayhem waiting patiently for Mischief's paw to come out.  I pick him up and cuddle him and tell him, "I'm sorry bug.  He isn't here anymore" and then he meows.

It all seems ridiculous to me.  When does one experience enough loss to finally be left alone?  That's the one thought that has occupied my mind?  Sometimes I feel like I am responsible for death because I've seen enough of it in my lifetime.  That sounds so dramatic.  And I know I'm not responsible for death, but I'm sick of it.  I just wish that I found something lasting and that it wouldn't leave.  I know that I am responsible for my actions and my actions have led to separations and I get that.  But the things that are out of my control... those moments are still plagued by absence and missing and loss and I'm exhausted by it.  For the short month that I had Mischief... I just can't even express how much I grew to love him and look forward to his company.  There is something about a tiny fury creature who is dependent on you that finally gives you perspective, and that was Mischief.  I miss him a lot.

Language is Perspective

I just read an article on The Salt Lake Tribune about Open Adoption and it was an informative article.  For those of you who don't know, the adoption practices of Utah in comparison with other states, has been called in to question; what that question is has morphed in to something rather ugly and bigger than it needs to be, in my opinion.

Initially it started with the rights of birth-fathers and what exactly their rights are.  This is a sensitive place for me.  In my work life, we help mediate divorces and get a stipulation in order that will be turned in to an Order through the court system.  Most often than not, the divorces involve children and we set up parent time plans and calendars.  More often lately we've seen a lot of mediations come through that are paternity mediations, meaning mom and dad weren't married, but dad wants rights.  I think this is great to a degree.  That sound harsh.  It's hard to separate my individual experience with everyone else's.  I need to remember that not all birth-fathers have put the birth-mother's life in danger on multiple occasions and not all birth-father's would be a danger to their child.  In fact, sometimes it's the exact opposite, only mom doesn't want dad to have any custody or rights because that would limit the amount of child support she receives from him; she wants him to have just enough in order to get money from him.  It's the truth and it's disgusting.  But, I digress.

Should birth-father's have legal rights in the adoption process?  That's the initial question to the debate that has unfolded.  Though, now it has morphed in to every birth-mother who has had a bad experience through the adoption process coming forth and bad mouthing open adoption because of their singular bad experience.  Do promises get made that aren't kept?  Yes, probably more often than not, and that's wrong.  And if you are an adoptive parent who promised the moon and stars only to pull the rug out from the birth-mother once the adoption was finalized, then serious shame on you.  However, as a birth-mother/parent, it is important for us to set boundaries for ourselves and the child we placed because, truth of the matter is, we signed our rights away.  So there is reprimand to go around on every angle of this debate.  There is not one side that is purer than the other, the only purity out of all of this is the child that was born and placed; they are the light.

It wasn't the article that bothered me.  It was the comments being made that were truly disturbing.  Critical phrases were being thrown right and left and accusations from one's personal experiences were being generalized on the "whole" experience that is adoption.  I typically don't make practice to respond to newspaper articles, but I did on this one.

Here's what we all need to remember folks:
-Don't make promises you can't keep.
-Don't place your child for adoption with people you aren't 1000% sure about.
-Set boundaries for yourself, this goes for birth-parents, adoptive parents, and extended family.
-Know your weakness and anticipate it surfacing through rehabilitation.  For a birth-mother, this would be feelings of anger towards the adoptive family because they can offer what you can't.  That's natural, but it doesn't mean that it's "their" fault.  It's not your fault, it is what it is.  There are always going to be the what-ifs to any situation and there are always going to be acknowledgment for things you could have done differently, and that's the point... and that's why it isn't "their" fault.  As for an adoptive parent, I can only assume what the feelings might be, and this blog is not the place for assumptions, so I'm not even going to go there.
-Be kind with your language.  A child wasn't "given up", they were placed.  In my case, he was placed lovingly and with a tear-drenched head into the arms of his parent's social worker.
-Your experience isn't the "whole" definable experience.  Do not ever dare associate all of what open adoption is with your experience only.  I've had a great experience; I'm one of the lucky birth-mother's whose adoptive couple kept their word and were honest when they weren't able to make promises.  I know this isn't the case for every birth-mother out there and that's unfortunate.  On the flip-side of that proverbial coin, if your experience as a birth-mother is rotten, that doesn't mean that all of Open-Adoption is, so be careful in how you express your experience, because it may feel all encompassing and total, but it isn't, it is your's and very singular in the details.
-This isn't about you (adoptive parent or birth-parent).  "This", meaning open adoption, is about what is BEST for the child who is placed.  Remember that.

Here is my fear.  If the fight gets bigger and the sides get more defined and the "vision" of open-adoption gets so completely muddied by individual experiences, then it will be legislated.  The law will get involved and it will make it definable.  For the adoptive parents out there who are reneging on their promises, you are damaging more than just a birth-mother's soul.  You are throwing the gauntlet and forcing legislation to make a decision that could potentially harm you in the future and the promises you make.  For the birth-mother's who demand a constant presence in the child's life that you no longer have legal rights to, you are throwing the gauntlet and forcing legislation to make a decision that will impact every future birth-mother to come, and that may not be for the best, even though in your individual case it might be.  An entire communities rights should NEVER be defined by an individual's wrongs or victimization and that is what I'm afraid will come from this debate.

It started simple, should birth-fathers have a say in the placement of the child (I still don't fully have an opinion on this, because my opinion is clouded by personal experience).  It's morphed in to, should verbal contracts made before placement be binding after placement.  In one instance, the answer is an easy "yes" because, perhaps then, people will be more careful in what they want to promise.  Then again, the answer is an easy "no" because by legalizing everything, the communication will be forced and "force" is not good for a child.  There is no balance in enforcement.